Last night, I met someone who’s seeing his dad today for the first time in six years.

He was ambivalent about it; his dad hadn’t been around for much of his life, and he didn’t really feel seen or recognized in the relationship.

His dad is 62, the same age my dad was when he passed last year. 

Everyone’s story is different, and this one brought me a lot of sadness. I spent so much of my adult life in active conflict with my dad, resisting his attempts at closeness or care, hiding away in my own room when we were together, fighting him on little details.

To be fair, I had a lot to be angry about. My dad wasn’t always aware of his own impact. He couldn’t sit with patriarchy or caste oppression, and was highly impulsive and defensive. 

Also, a lot of the traumas and patterns my dad carried are alive in me. It’s clear that some of the work I have to do in my life is his unfinished business - and it goes way beyond him.

I’m grateful that in the last year of my dad’s life, we started to turn towards mutual understanding and repair. It’s a much longer story than I wanna tell right now, but I feel so proud of both of us. 

And I grieve the lost time and possible futures where we could just live in this plane of existence, in harmony, friendship, and shared understanding. 

That door is closed for us, but it may not be for you. Time is precious.

I have no right to tell anyone how to relate to their parents. That is the most fundamental relationship for most of us, even when (especially when) there’s absence. 

But time is precious. That’s all.

I leave for India in exactly 3 weeks. I plan to be away for about 6 months. My dad’s passing will be very, very present for me on this trip. But I initially felt the call a little before he died. It’s not clear to me what I’m being called for, but I hope to share about it here. 

Meanwhile, every single moment I have left in the Bay is charged with meaning. There is a feeling of ceremony in the air.

I asked my new friend last night: “if you knew that this was the last time you’d see your dad, what would be important to say to him?” 

What feels important to you, reading this, knowing that time is precious?