Good morning good morning! God my hair is so long. I am doing pony tails again. I need a haircut so bad. Just the back. I think I’ll go to supercuts greatcuts whateverits called down by the grocery store. Tell em they can only work on the back. This was my wife’s idea. Is this a terrible idea?

Rain! We’ve had four days of rain it is so awesome. Thank you, Rain gods. And thank you for only raining at night, I guess, that is convenient, but we could use more. You have my permission to rain 24/7 for a few days. Although maybe wait till next week when my daughter is out of tree climbing camp.

Teenage riots! The country is being swept up with teenage flashmob parties and old people are freaking out! There was one in Raleigh on the Fourth of July and four people got shot! Why do teenagers have guns?! My god you’d think a lifetime of drills in school would make them not ever want a gun. But then again they’ve had a lifetime of propaganda about how great guns are. I assume that the news about these teenage riots is as hyperbolic as ever and we as a country have learned nothing on how to report on such things in 100 years. I assume the only teen freakouts we hear about are the ones where someone gets hurt or a small business owner is upset that no one’s buying their sandwiches. I assume that most of them are fine. I don’t know, man. When I was a kid we did dances at hotels. it worked great. I — well, I was the second generation, an awesome kid named Amy started it before me – would rent out a hotel ballroom or a Moose Lodge or something and throw a dance party. It worked great!

For about a decade. And then one soldier dude from Ft Wainwright went and shot someone and the dances — after a decade of violence-free events — got splashed on the front page of the newspaper and the whole city clamped down and no one would rent to us anymore (it was the third generation of organizers by then). It was total BS. Ten years of no-nonsense, successful events all fucked by one out-of-town adult soldier. And the city hasn’t really had them since.

So, you know. Unless I hear otherwise from, like, an academic, I’m gonna assume this is all another moral panic and the only thing we should do about them is ban guns and donate a night club to a kids council.

War’s back on today, great, great. And an Emirati cargo plane is missing, went missing right around when we decided to use up half our missile arsenal killing kids in Iran again. Awesome times. Get your war on. We are so back.

(N.B. I do not like war or killing kids. Last weekend, I got in a giant fight again with that high school friend because I told him that a kid in a uniform with a gun is still a kid and you should not kill kids, ever. And he told me I was a lying asshole and feigned moral outrage because if a kid with an assault rifle was coming at my family I would definitely kill him. Apparently I am going to that with, I don’t know, the baseball bat I have. He also told me I was personally supporting Hamas, and that I worked for a fascist country. I am not sure whether he meant working towards or actually for. Killing kids is apparently controversial these days. He also told me I had no Jewish friends and I should really speak to a Jewish friend before I form such opinions. So, you know, all you Jewish friends of mine who, like half the Jews in America, worry Israel is committing a genocide, you don’t exist. Sorry.)

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We’re listening to Slift again today and they fuckin rule. Great band. Love the new album Fantasia. Man I want to see this band live some day. I want to FREAK OUT at the show by standing there with my eyes closed and nodding my head slowly while occasionally putting my hands in the air and then bringing them down very quickly on the beat. If I were getting married to myself I would have Slift play at the wedding.

Listened to Operation Ivy yesterday for the first time in, oh, thirty years and you know what? Pretty good band. Lotta lyrical inventiveness. People maybe have a point saying they were good.

I guess I am mostly okay with Taylor’s wedding. It was at a venue in New York and she served pizza. My wedding was at a venue in New York and I served pizza. I mean, I chose a better pizza place then her and also served La Esquina but, you know, same diff. She had Sir Paul McCartney I had Freezepop and Plushgun. We had 500 guests, she had 1,000. Twice the number of guests isn’t unreasonable for a global celebrity or two, I suppose.

I sure do wish she hadn’t invited the fascist-enabling prison owner that would have been nice. But maybe that was her one little gift to her husband: yes you can have your best friend’s daddy at our wedding that is not weird at all. I will happily take a major hit to my fame and reputation for your best friend’s daddy who doesn’t invite their best friend’s daddy to their wedding.

Some of my Maine friends say that Patrick Dempsey is all right, so that is promising. There are a few other names being brandied about that I am endeavoring to learn so I can stay “with it” during this Platner saga. A

lso my friend put forth a theory that Platner’s creepiness is why Mills ran: she knew she was too old but knew we needed an alternative. Gah. Maybe she shoulda just said that. That woulda been hilarious. Her campaign ads coulda just been her sitting on a Maine beach (does Maine have beaches? It must) sipping a Maine cocktail (does Maine have a state cocktail? It must) in shades saying “I’ll be here when you need me. I’m old but I’ll vote right and let you guys pick someone else when the time is right.

(If you are an editor and could tell me whether that second “it must” should have a period after it, that would be lovely k thnx).

No one is blunt enough.

ALTHOUGH I was sitting in a meeting with a bunch of adult grown-up finance people recently and I was thinking “you guys are all wrong and I am right” and I regret to inform you all that I kept my mouth shut and did the adult thing and thought “maybe I’m the one person here who’s wrong” which, I have learned through schooling, is what I am supposed to do.

But boy it felt shitty.

Jane’s on a punchy kick again. At least one bedtime screaming freakout a day, bouts of intentional rudeness it is a bummer. She snaps out of them quicker but, god, I feel like I have been writing those two sentences back-to-back for years. Though I just read an email from a friend who listed their partner’s negative traits and they read exactly like my daughter’s, so, you know, some people really don’t grow out of this, I guess. WE ARE TRYING. I am trying so hard to make a good person. It’s so weird, though. We have made a smart person without even trying. But we try real hard to make a good person and… well, I think she’s definitely on the better side of humans but.. barely? Like C+ maybe? Be nicer! Can’t everyone just be nicer why is everyone so meeeaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn.

She does seem to be nice to everyone else, though. Besides us. Which, I GUESS. I mean I did not have a kid to be my servant.

So if she needs us to be her sin eaters, so be it.

I do not have a playlist today. Man what is going on. I am listening to so much new music. It is a mystery. I watched a lotta good music from Youtube last night, though. Couple good metally bands I didn’t know – Just Mustard and Oranssi Pazuzu. A pretty solid performance at Roskilde from Blackpink’s Jennie decent Wedding present performance. But I think this one was probably the best I watched last night. I like the idea of this band but have not historically loved their music. But this ruled.

Okay time to go gotta poop. Love you. Normalize telling people you have to poop.