Hello dear ones,

Let’s take a breath together, as we do, here and now.

We return this week to 2022-Rebecca, two weeks after the wildfire—a plot twist she’d never expected.

The fire and ensuing incidents scrambled her from routine, yet time continued on. We never know what will unfold each day.

May these entries inspire continued cultivation of the inner witness——the one who can see the sensations and feelings you experience, without judging them. Sensation as neutral.

While non-judgement is one layer, adding compassion widens further. Seeing your experience through compassionate eyes—ooh, what gold. This can be offered to yourself hours later or years later, as I’m practicing while rereading.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca

[If you’re newly joining, this is part 13 of an ongoing journey. You can begin with part 1 here.]

May 3, 2022 [Loam 10% Post]
My young coworker mentioned that she’s going to Phoenix for the weekend with the older coworker I admire, and hearing this triggered a familiar pain-cycle feeling of isolation/loneliness/left out / betrayal from the older coworker.

I noticed this was happening before I got pulled in too deep, and looked for a sensation in my body. Usually when this particular feeling is triggered, I feel alone and unliked and left out. And then on top, I feel ashamed and embarrassed for having envy of this younger gal and her friendship with my other coworker. 

I envy their comfort and how often they hang out outside of work. I grieve the fact that I don’t have this type of relationship with this work friend, who I really enjoy spending time with, and who I’ve known twice as long. And then I judge those feelings; it feels so icky.

But today, I paused and got curious about the strong emotional reaction by looking for a sensation. I noticed that while it was still stronger than I’d like, the emotion was not as strong as three weeks ago. I’m widening the story in my body.

May 8, 2022
Evan was just here for pancakes—it’s fun to share them with Bobby or Evan when they’re working custodial here on the weekend. 

In hearing bits of his reality, it made me realize how much of my experience is built from my perceptions. I mean, I know this, but it's so easy to forget it.

The way I feel around Kai and Kira is because of me and my wiring. My experience of them is different from Evan's, is different from Kira's, is different from Cameron’s. Yet here we are, all having our own experiences simultaneously.

When Evan described that his relationship issues with his girlfriend started when he first went on a walk with me in March, I did not apologize. I'm only realizing now, but it was not a reflex. This is great, because I did nothing wrong. It's bringing up fear of losing a friendship, like what happened with Brad when he started seeing Sierra.

~ ~ ~ 

Okay, let’s try a Havi stone skip. How did you feel when Kira mentioned Kai is going to this expensive concert with her and her parents in September for both of their birthdays? I can feel tears coming. My jaw is tight. I wanted emotional intimacy with him but told myself it wasn’t possible to hang out because of his family, his community, his work commitments. I didn’t ask.

There’s a sadness/loneliness in being left out. I wanted him to confide in me over others. Be useful. So when I see him hanging out with Kira so often, I wonder how it’s enjoyable? How is that fun? What is the benefit? And I see that she is fun/wanted and I’m left behind. He doesn’t want to hang out with me. Other stories: I’m too sensitive to be around.

But, let me interrupt. Why does his friendship mean so much? There’s something with his energy – we’ve known that from the start. It is strong and safe and he won’t intentionally hurt me. 

Then there’s envy of the frequency of their texting, the ease of making weekend plans – I want a friend like that. I’m crying. I feel sad. This strikes a deep nerve.

Okay, let’s try to Witness Compassionately:
Oh honey, of course you feel envious and sad! You enjoy being around Kai’s energy so much! He’s funny and interesting and safe and knowledgeable and patient and spiritual. It’s so many of your interests at a deeper level of conversation! Of course you like being around him. 

And Kira’s hard for you to be around, of course it’s a shock to the system that they hang out. 

But – she doesn't see all his light like I do, and she doesn’t appreciate his energy like I do! She’s just getting drunk and having fun!

And so is Kai… [find a neutral sensation]

Thicken: What’s also true? Kai likes to drink whiskey and hang out with Kira.

What’s the fear? What’s underneath?
If Kai and Kira are close friends, I get left out at work. They’ll be on projects together and I’ll get stuck with Ricardo. Their energy combined is hard for me to contradict. They are the “cool kids” who have fun, and I won’t learn as much, I’ll be the "responsible one” who gets our work done and who organizes the day.

What’s also true?
I have a bright light – many superpowers. I am creative, resilient, bold, courageous, curious, warm, loving. I moved to three new countries and learned new languages from scratch.

I had unexpressed feelings of love for Kai, and I felt envious the day Kira said “I love you” to him at work, and it was no big thing. She can be her. I can’t express for fear of how it’s received –especially with friends whose ages are closer to mine.

What’s also true?
Kai gifted me a candle for my birthday, a week after.

What else?
We only talk when the occasion arises at work.

When Kai chooses to work/be with other people, I believe the story that he doesn’t want to be around me for xyz reason.

What’s also true?
Kai said I’m a quality person and he gave up time with his daughter to talk with me a month ago when I was having a rough go.

What are the superpowers here?
A context in which I can practice Curiosity, Acknowledgement & Legitimacy and see the edges of my loving Kira. 

A context in which I can practice stating my needs/truth while releasing control of the outcome. A context in which I can practice shining my light from inside, not soaking in Kai’s light on me.

Do-Overs Forever!

I want her gone from work, and that feels horrible to admit. It’s my truth today. I’m afraid once she moves to Crater, I’ll never get time with Kai after work this summer, because she’ll always be there.

I want to be able to celebrate their friendship and not feel “other” around them.

I want to feel safe and strong in myself, not just when I’m with Kai. 

May 12, 2022
And so I write. I got overwhelmed and overstimulated or something at HQ for Kee’s retirement when everyone was in the room to get food. So I stepped outside and cried for a second and felt my heart beat. 

I ate with Evan and Hillary. Gave Kee my card and he gave me a hug. 

Kai printed a map for me, for Saturday. And when I left, and got in the work truck, I began crying and felt that deep lonely pain. 

What caused it? Why now? 

Grief from Kee retiring? Grieving still the relationship I don’t have with Kai? Just all the energies after being alone so many days this week? Not sleeping well last night? 

I hope the tides turn tomorrow. The final Friday 11:00 with the therapist.

May 29, 2022 Sunday
A lot has happened in the past 17 days. I’ll play catch-up for posterity’s sake. 

Two days after Kee’s retirement, Evan and I went to the Kachina dances in Kai’s village. (He originally invited anyone to the celebration who wanted to go, but then he was no longer able to be there – yet still offered a place to use bathroom/etc.) Kai gave me a house key and maps.

I drove an hour to Pueblo, and then Evan drove us in his jeep. He warned me it was loud, I didn’t know what exactly that meant. I’d brought sushi from Fry’s and we stopped on the way out on the FS Road and had a picnic. 

It was so nice talking, I partly wanted to stay there and have that be my afternoon. 

We got to the town around 3pm. Lots of family was inside the house – I was so grateful for Evan who loudly announced our presence from the back.

“Hello? We’re friends of Kai”  

We left our food stuffs inside and walked around in the heat talking. (So hot! No shade!)

Watching the dance is when I would have preferred to be done – to notice at my pace. I felt self-conscious of his speaking volume when he talked to me during the dance. Aware we were ‘outsiders,’ visitors to this celebration. 

I wished we had some sort of context for what was going on, what did this dance mean… I would have to ask Kai later.

There came a good stopping point; we still had an hour drive back (then another hour’s drive for me) plus he had to work the next day. I was so hot and tired from all the stimulation. 

When we got closer to the VC at Pueblo, Evan asked me if I ate wheat. Yes. 

Do you want to have dinner at my place? Yes.

I knew starting my drive home would have been better for tired me, it was almost 7pm, but I was so enjoying his presence and didn’t want to leave.

We ate pasta. It was really yummy.

Then he poured a cup of tea. I knew I should leave – so tired – but something kept me there. 

Sitting down with tea, suddenly he said:

“Full transparency, I have feelings for you. And normally I don’t date coworkers…” (I don’t remember it all, mainly the transparency and feelings). 

Time slowed down and all my senses amped into turbo. 

Is this really happening? 

I was just glad to be potentially making a friend! I was not expecting this at all. And on our first go-somewhere hang out.

…

We texted/voice messaged during the next week, both highly anticipating Saturday afternoon picnic/hike. He came after work, arrived ~4pm at Pinyon. I brought vegan gyros I’d made. Picnic off of the cabin trail. After eating we turned to face one another for Qs.

I asked one about the relationship he’d recently ended with Callie, which they’d kept on the down low since she also works for the park, in another department. 

I had a second Q, but asked him to go next.

He said, “I need you to know that I don’t want kids, and I’ve known this for a long time. I love them, but I just don’t want my own...” 

By then the air was punched out of me and I pushed back an urge to cry.
(My body’s response was immediate and strong!)

I smiled and said I was 100% sure I wanted them.

And we looked at each other.

And looked.

I felt so much, each of our truths hanging in the air.

We lied down and held hands. 

I folded up my piece of paper and pocketed the rest of my questions, no longer needed.

He told me he actually has a vasectomy scheduled for June 1.

That was so near! Plot-twist. I could feel all the grief I’d have to wade through the next day. I’ve learned not to understand/question feelings with Mind-Ideas—my body is processing real energy, an imagined future gone. Such strong energetic connection with Evan. Body is expressing what it needs to.

Back at my house, we lied down and cuddled. I cried. He cried.

Then, he said suddenly, “I think I need to cancel the appointment.” 

It felt fast, and also I felt much relief. I emphasized he needed to do what was right for him. (Please don’t do this for me!)

He had clarity: He wanted “us” to continue. Or rather, have a chance to become. He had to go home, he had an hour drive and worked at 6am the next day. 

I said take a few days to think about it.

On Monday I left Kira and Kai doing a plumbing work order to help Evan at the warehouse. We held hands for a moment and it was lovely. So much warm energy.

He came and had lunch with all of us at Crater, then we both had evals with Bill.

Wednesday at the end of crack sealing there was a fire on Beebee’s Ranch, so nearby. We could see smoke and hear it on the radios. We ended crack sealing early, adrenaline pumping through my body, Evan and other Pueblo residents rushed back to their homes to prepare for potential evac, the rest of the crew regrouped at the warehouse and convoyed back to Pinyon.

I felt unsettled, and wanted to talk to him after work to calm down. I called at 5, no answer. Recorded a vocal message and walked.

After 7, I received a vocal from him sharing that Callie had called and they talked for like three hours. (She had been in a training with him Tues/Weds and hadn’t even made eye contact.)

He was upset and said it was like nothing had happened, had he made it all up?

I was pissed he said nothing about the fire and that I had to comfort him about Callie. I listened.

(Later we learned the BeeBee fire had been a prescribed burn—but they hadn’t notified our park so we didn’t know. False alarm.)

Thursday Evan and I got to have lunch at my house during safety training day, since everyone was at Pinyon.

He had taken off on Friday, so that morning he came over for pancakes. After eating we sat on the couch and talked and talked, asking the Qs and sharing. He had to leave at 1, when his parents got into town.

The next day was his birthday, and he was spending it with his parents.

I made a squash book card in the morning, but generally felt sluggish and foggy all day, unfocused. Tore apart some paper piles. Received buddhist prayer flags from Black Mountain and put them in the backyard.

Then I saw Kai pull into the maintenance yard. It’s a weekend, what’s he doing here?

I went into the yard to make my presence known, looked at my plants in the garden, but did not acknowledge I knew he was there. He started washing his truck.

Back inside, I see I had a missed call from Evan two minutes earlier. I called back. 

Did I have energy for him to stop by? Yes.

He came over and I got to deliver his birthday card in person! I was a little distracted that Kai was so nearby, but didn’t say anything and don’t think he saw Evan come in. 

He had to leave at 4:30 for D&D. And today I slept in majorly and came camping–my solo-refresh away from work that I had requested off for last month. 

He texted Callie his new boundary this morning – he doesn’t want her to call/contact him. I wonder her response and how he’ll take it, and also he said not to worry about it. 

I’ve begun to tell some non-coworker friends about Evan so it’s feeling more concrete. We have plans to hang out when I’m back on Wednesday.

Current mind worries: If he so recently got so entangled with Callie in an unhealthy way, how trustworthy is his attraction to me? What will be our breaking point? When will the good feeling end?

I love the support and love he shares with me, his patience to ask and be intentional.

This morning he messaged and asked if I’d be willing to send him a picture of me or take some to put on his wall. I would be afraid to ask that to a new love interest, but so admire how he did. Yes!

I will use the next two days camping to process this new relationship, celebrate and reflect on the past year, look forward and decide what’s important to me now / make promises with my Wider Self before continuing with Evan. I brought along “How to Be an Adult” by David Riccho and the codependency book to help me. Plus lots of blank paper.

I’m grateful for the safety and enjoyment I feel in Elereen – that we just need a quiet spot among the trees and birds, and we have everything we need. Space, peace, connection, joy. Reminder to self to do a camping trip each quarter – even just one overnight an hour away!

June 1, 2022
How I love a morning alone; this is grand.

I love enjoying Evan’s company and still deeply enjoying my own company – there’s not that energetic pull like with Matt/Nate/Justin/Kai. I can remain grounded in myself. Now it’s a matter of keeping my mind in the present with my heart and spirit.

My mind keeps looking for the red flag, the this is too good, when will it end.

I can hear the angel saying “Enjoy this Rebecca! Smile and rejoice! We’ve orchestrated this beauty, let it flow!”

And so I give thanks and blessing, for the zigzag path and learning that brought me here, for the doors and healing that are opening with this new intimate relationship. Thank you for everything, I have no complaints. 

June 4, 2022
I’m so sleepy still. I got home at 9 from Evan’s and went to bed right away.

His maps are magical. Reminded me of burning edges of paper bags for book covers in school, inventing lands, and sparked ideas for my spring map in the Loam.

Part of me feels ashamed at how tired I feel today and how slow of a morning it’s been. Not wanting to admit my capacity. Afraid I won’t be able to give Evan the quality time he needs because of my energy levels. But, now I know I must leave before 8pm (probably 7) if I’m driving home from there, or bring my pillow to sleep in the car and drive back in the morning.

Also noticed: How I was afraid to tell Evan the exact cost of the items he’d asked me to pick up for him from the grocery store – would he have spent less on his own? So I felt awkward when he repaid me. Noticed.

Week of June 7 [Loam Post]
Another fire broke out here yesterday, not far from our April 19 fire. Nearly the same size, spreading quickly.

I was safe, at home at Pinyon. Canyon residents (coworkers) were evacuated (again) — but this time it also included Kira, now that she's living there. All got out safely.

I could see the distant smoke from my yard. I was with my work-friend-newly-romantic partner Evan at the time, during his lunch break. He’s a required occupant at our northernmost park. 

You’d better leave and start the hour-drive back before they close the highway, I said.

He took off and made it through. Then I received a phone alert that the highway is now closed.

When I started getting the evac notices on my phone—and a text from my supervisor that we will not report to Canyon on Monday morning, go to Pinyon (just like last fire)—I noticed I felt very jittery and ungrounded. It was 2pm. I couldn’t spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in this.

I texted my coworker Bry who also lives at Pinyon and asked if he and his girlfriend wanted to go for a walk; I’m feeling anxious about the fire, I wrote.

Ten minutes later we were out walking with one of their dogs, and the short walk calmed my nerves considerably. That’s my growth: I knew my body needed community and movement in that moment, and I asked for what I needed.

When I got home, I baked banana muffins to take to work tomorrow. My hands were making. I listened to radio traffic all evening.

When I got an update from Evan that he (and everyone at our third monument) will likely get evacuated (again) tomorrow because of spot fires near them, I felt more emotion come up. It had been very hard for him last time, being displaced, his cat in a shelter. 

It was late, 9pm—usually I’m asleep by 7:30—and I did not feel safe to cry with my housemate home. Very non-routine for me, but without thought, I got up out of bed, grabbed my keys, threw on sandals, and walked out into the dark night.

The warm air felt comfortable on my bare legs. The nearly-full moon lit up the sky. I walked away from the house a distance and sat at a tree, looking up at the moon. Cries came. I gave my worries to the Earth and let emotion move through me. I asked for strength and peaceful rest. To protect the people and their animals. To bless the firefighters.

Before I’d left the house, I’d had a comparative thought that I was safe, I wasn’t the one evacuated this time or last time, and yet trauma was coming up in my body. I accepted this and gave myself the space to feel.

I’m celebrating these tiny differences amid the hard feelings this morning, the unrest from fire nightmares. It hasn’t quite sunk in that this is truly all happening again.

And, there are things I learned from the experience of April’s fire. I’ll continue to tend to myself and my people and our nervous systems as best I can, using that knowing, as we see how this unfolds.

My intention is to not judge all the emotion that I know will arise in me, nor compare myself to my coworkers who have very different nervous systems.

[o o o]