Kia ora!

I’ve released probably one of my favourite songs I’ve ever written today. I don’t usually feel the need to explain them very often, but I thought with this one, I’d do a bit of a deep dive into what inspired it and how it came to be. And share some bits from shooting the music video (which was a whole labour of it’s own haha).

As a woman of a particular age (late thirties), I often notice that a lot of people around me are either pregnant or have kids. At one stage, when I was still married, I thought that maybe this would have been me too. But after my ex and I broke up and time passed and I started to figure out what I actually wanted, the further and further “having kids” drifted from my mind.

It’s not that I don’t like kids! For the most part, I find them really funny and you usually end up receiving their honest, unfiltered take on the world around them. I sort of see myself like a big kid too sometimes, so we have a lot in common.

Pusher! is a bit of a mish mash of a couple of different things - the most obvious being pressure: of time, of feeling like babies are everywhere and everyone around you is having them. But it’s also about feeling alienated. Wondering why I don’t have this strong “pull” towards motherhood like so many others do. Your child becomes your whole world. I really like who I am, now. Who might I be if I had a kid? Would I become a completely different person? Which parts of me would I loose and would I still like myself?

When I came to the writing session with all these thoughts and questions, I had the word “pusher” in my head and this idea of running away from some sort of monster, like being stuck in a horror film. ”Pram pushing psychopath” was a line I had sitting in my notes app. Emily really liked it and the rest fell into place.

A drug “pusher”
Physically “pushing” a living being out of your body
“Push Her”

We wanted the song to have a drudging, relentless forward motion, but still have this swaggering blues groove. This was helped along by Ems’ very tasty guitar hooks and her live hi hats (the rest of the drums are programmed). I don’t like re-recording vocals once we’ve made the demo, so the vocals on the song are the first passes from those first sessions we had (including my scream in the horror-inspired bridge). I usually find my demo takes are the best takes anyway!

Then there was the music video. One thing to know about me is that I have a very strong imagination and a knack for good creative ideas. But for whatever reason, I had a hard time coming up with one that added another visual layer to the song, without it being too corny or overdone.

I asked my friend Emma Newborn to come on board to help direct and facilitate the video. At that point, all I was sure of was that I wanted a person dressed in a giant papier-mâche clock for the bridge (we still kept the clock idea, but I bailed on committing to the glue and newspaper).

The Pusher! music video became “the little music video that could”. First, we went back and forth on the concept for ages, trying to crack it. It wasn’t until another clever friend, Alice Tanner, said she’d imagined me in an exercise class where everyone around me started having babies and a lightbulb went off (thanks Alice)!

Then once we had locked in a cast, choreographer (Hillary Moulder), secured venue and rehearsed the thing - I got the mega flu right before shoot weekend. So then we had to postpone the shoot for a mont. Then we had to recast it, as one of the original members couldn’t do it. THEN we had to secure somewhere we could shoot with haze (a reminder of what happens when you can’t isolate alarms). BUT FINALLY, we got the dang thing done. It truly was an achievement of all hands on deck and I just can’t believe how much I lucked out with all the talented people that helped me make it.

(Fun fact: the baby dolls and pregnancy bumps are props from a theatre show I made in 2019..but I can tell you about that another time…)

Pusher! is a total ear-worm if I say so myself, which I have Emily to partly thank for that. I really enjoy exploring big, complex ideas within a pop formula - it’s like a puzzle, trying to land the right metaphor within a certain amount of syllables and rhythm to say exactly what you mean. While I think it’s dangerous to believe anything is perfect, I think we got pretty close.

Also, I guarantee that after watching the video, you will never look at a baby-doll the same again.

Enjoy!
Phoebs xx

ALL THE ALBUM PROMO LINKS AND SUCH:

- My album is out NEXT WEEK - pre order it here
- My release show is NEXT WEEK! If you’re in CHCH come on down - tickets are here
- Catch my live to air with Jesse Mulligan on RNZ here
- Did you get tickets to Electric Ave? See you there!
- I have a website now! Who still uses them for music? Don’t know! But it’s here