No show today, but instead a $0 budget music video. No show came from the collapse of funding… With the original tour, we would have shot across Pennsylvania in our classic 15-seat rented van to play Cleveland on 3.14 and Cincinnati on 3.15 before heading to Chicago on 3.17, and closing out the tour in Pittsburgh on 3.21. This all collapsed when the grant we were promised by funders we’d get, we didn’t get, and thus shows were cancelled, bands DM’d and venues emailed, in a tone of disappointment and sadness trying to cover up the pure feeling of embarrassment and defeat that has settled deep in my bones. It was humiliating to have failed.

But shift and pivot, we have a flexible problem-solving ethos. Two cars, half the tour. Drive the 1 hour from Bethlehem to my parent’s house in Philadelphia.  We’d spend the day in suburban PA to shoot a music video ourselves on iPhone 5C for our b-sides (coming out April 15, not announced yet <3), Jenna directing it. From there we’d go home to NYC, play a show (a drag variety show!) and then drive 75% of the way to Chicago on Monday and play there on Tuesday. No show in Pittsburgh, mostly because the venue’s temporary license to operate was revoked by the city (another example of small/DIY venues/spaces closing across the country). So we’d drive straight from Kenyon College in Ohio to Philadelphia, drop off the second car, and drive back up to NYC. Not a bad solution, but being who I am, when my plans get crushed it feels like an existential denial of my will (to live). Dramatic, I know.

And thus, in the past year or so, the logistics side running a band has grown to the point it has gobbled up the creative side. This is just a fact and a sad one. And it’s one I’m not quite sure how to rectify besides stopping any music careerism trajectory. Time is finite. I know some of you in this inbox will say that stopping the careerism is the solution. And I know that for spiritual reasons (i.e. the writer’s block) you’re ~probably correct.

But it felt good to wake up in Philadelphia and put on a little outfit and get in the car and drive out to Gladwyne and lay in the middle of the road shrouded in Jenna’s fur coat and go to a field and watch some hawks and pet some donkeys and go to a diner and drink a milkshake. It’s definitely a small and silly video to make, but good because it’s fun and just fun.

In sum, I’m constantly being humbled by being forced to be present in the everyday experience of being alive. The hum of sheer ambition rings futile and vapid with each passing moment. For this, I’m grateful.

What we listened to driving around Southeastern Pennsylvania

1. It’s Working - MGMT

2. The Reeling - Passion Pit

3. Liztomania - Phoenix

4. When You Were Young - The Killers

5. Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon

6. Daylight - Matt and Kim

7. I Was Never Young - of Montreal

<3

next show in chicago, tomorrow. yes I’m a day late on the emails ````