Thank you, Nic, for writing this. So much resonates, as usual. I am so sorry that you have joined the Dead Dad Club. My own relationship with my dead father was complex and accordingly my grieving encompasses anger and longing, relief, gratitude, sorrow. Your writing shows that you already know this, but I hope it's okay to reaffirm that any and every form that your bereavement takes is right, for it is yours and yours alone.
When my father died suddenly almost a decade ago, I felt many many things, but mostly I felt that urgency and clarity you are describing so poignantly. The phrase "we never know how much time we get" arrived in my mind and took up permanent residence. While his death wasn't my first brush with mortality, it was the catalyst that fused it with every fiber of my being. That deep bodily Knowing of how anything and everything could end in an instant -- it propelled me to start truly seeing and accepting myself. To begin walking towards a life with which I am more aligned. It led me to initiate my divorce shortly thereafter. It eventually led me to leave the corporate world. It led me to buy my boat, and it still leads me today.
It feels so deeply unfair that it took his death for me to step through this portal, meaning I can't ever share my experiences on this side with him. And yet, it also feels like a gift he is still giving me, that he will never stop giving, though his ashes have returned to the universe to build new plants and fish and babies and stars.
May your urgency continue to be that bittersweet final gift that reminds you of what is truly important in life 🖤
Thank you, Nic, for writing this. So much resonates, as usual. I am so sorry that you have joined the Dead Dad Club. My own relationship with my dead father was complex and accordingly my grieving encompasses anger and longing, relief, gratitude, sorrow. Your writing shows that you already know this, but I hope it's okay to reaffirm that any and every form that your bereavement takes is right, for it is yours and yours alone.
When my father died suddenly almost a decade ago, I felt many many things, but mostly I felt that urgency and clarity you are describing so poignantly. The phrase "we never know how much time we get" arrived in my mind and took up permanent residence. While his death wasn't my first brush with mortality, it was the catalyst that fused it with every fiber of my being. That deep bodily Knowing of how anything and everything could end in an instant -- it propelled me to start truly seeing and accepting myself. To begin walking towards a life with which I am more aligned. It led me to initiate my divorce shortly thereafter. It eventually led me to leave the corporate world. It led me to buy my boat, and it still leads me today.
It feels so deeply unfair that it took his death for me to step through this portal, meaning I can't ever share my experiences on this side with him. And yet, it also feels like a gift he is still giving me, that he will never stop giving, though his ashes have returned to the universe to build new plants and fish and babies and stars.
May your urgency continue to be that bittersweet final gift that reminds you of what is truly important in life 🖤