Get yourself a nemesis
The mental health tool I didn't know I needed.
My dear reader.
A thing I have learned this spring is that when both of your parents are dead it is helpful to have a nemesis.
I cannot do anything about the dead parents of it all — the constant low-grade sadness, the many mundane moments of “wow so I’ll just never be able to call them ever again,” plus the singularly lonely feeling of knowing that the only two people in the world who loved me unconditionally, even when our relationship was stormy, are just… gone. I cannot change that that is true, but what I can do is go out into the garden and yank up all the swallow-wort I find.
This goddamn swallow-wort, I swear. It’s invasive, it’s harmful to the sheep and to monarch butterflies, and of course it’s the kind of vegetative bully that releases chemicals to suppress the growth of neighboring plants. I’m like, my guy, just leave the neighboring plants alone!
This is my third year of learning to garden and therefore my third year of being thwarted by the swallow-wort. The first two years I felt so frustrated, constantly overpowered by this Sisyphean weeding task. But this year, ohhh, this year I am a person whose parents are dead and that means I am simply done fucking around and getting bested by my swallow-wort nemesis.
And okay, not to tell you what to do with your life, but probably you should declare a nemesis of your own.
Declaring a nemesis gives you the fun of having a proper (if frivolous) adversary that when so named can invite you to uplevel your knowledge and skills in order to fight it.
Regularly doing battle against a mediumly-inconsequential-but-extremely-satisfying-to-beat foe, especially when there is so much pain in the world that I cannot meaningfully impact, has given me a real mental health boost over the past few months. It might sound silly, but whenever I stomp out to the garden for another skirmish of “Nic vs the swallow-wort” I feel invigorated. The chore is no longer tedious, it’s purposeful, gifting me daily moments of vindication wherein yes my parents are still dead but at least some of the swallow-wort is too. And maybe that’s not the healthiest way to cope but you know what, we do what we can with what we’ve got.
The art of the nemesis: I recommend you try it.
And if you already have one, I’d be absolutely delighted for you to tell us all about it in the comments.
Nemesis for everyone!! This is my 2026 life hack.
I love you. Keep fighting the good fights. More soon.
Nic
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Laughed out loud at this whilst feeling such tenderness too- I love your writing. Not a nemesis here, but similar energy- I believe in the power of petty in testing times. I try to commit to deep regard and flexibility most of the time in my relationships. But sometimes, only petty will do. Recommend it as a little treat.
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It's additionally satisfying if, like swallow-wort, your nemesis has a very nemesis-sounding name! I need to find a better nemesis then the hair I seem to shed everywhere I go in my house (seriously, WHY?!)
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Apologies to the New Yorkers present, but the Knicks are my current nemesis!
Go Spurs Go!!!!
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Also I play this song every time Jalen Brunson specifically is my nemesis: https://youtu.be/qrXJi5PBEK0?si=dq74A1Wcb3sfmdAF
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lol, as a Celtics fan I got you. Go Spurs
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NKH is my nemesis. (It's a rare metabolic disorder my son died of. I raise funds for research into a cure. We just sent £35k to research. Fuck you NKH).
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That's so kind 💜 We founded a charity in his honour, and we support research happening at UCL and the University of Colorado: mikaerefoundation.org/nkh
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Oooooh, I love this! Mine is Himalayan Balsam and I too can attest to the therapeutic qualities of absolutely rampaging through its growth on my walks like an angry rhino.
This stuff is also invasive (beautiful though) and grows to be like two meters tall and is spreading all along our local riverbank. It has seed pods that burst and scatter the seeds all over and where it grows practically nothing else does except stinging nettles and maybe some brambles which makes this task extra exciting.
I have declared war last year and it also felt like an unsurmountable task. It grows so fast and once the pods are out it’s basically too late to stop them reseeding for the year and the seeds can stay in the ground for several years.
This year I started yanking it out by the bag full when the shoots were just out of the ground and made a real dent in some of the populations.
Now they’re approaching my height and I just rip as many out as I can and stomp all over it and it is SO freaking satisfying even as it feels never ending.
I love this idea! I love how it lets me let off steam and get my hands into the dirt and occasionally my feet in the stream and my body moving and sweating. I also like thinking of it as causing “good damage”.
Also occasionally people stop and chat and sometimes even join in for a bit.
Love how you have articulated this and agree, this sort of nemesis is really good to have.
Once I’m done with the boss I’m going for the sidekick “little balsam”.
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Oh my goodness, I LOVE that you have declared the swallow-wort your nemesis and are joyfully waging war against it, although I must say your nemesis is quite pretty 😂
I generally like to think of myself as a kind and decent person but I have declared one of our neighbor's my enemy although nemesis sounds so much better. Now this poor woman has done absolutely NOTHING to me and I'm sure she couldn't pick me out of a lineup, but there was a house in our neighborhood that I fell in love with and was quite obsessed with, and as my husband and I were casually discussing whether we should even consider putting an offer on this house, this lady swooped in and bought it (above list price). So now when I walk around our neighborhood and see her, I mutter "there comes my enemy" while my husband (if he's feeling brave) points out that she's not my enemy cause she doesn't even know who I am.
Again, I'm sure she's a lovely person but it does bring me joy to mutter under my breath before saying a cheery "good morning" to her 🤷🏻♀️
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goddamn canadian thistle...my NEMESIS.
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Creeping bellflower, goutweed and buckthorn are constantly fighting for nemesis spot #1 in our yard. You are right though, it’s great to duke it out in the dirt.
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Wow I simply fucking love this.
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My Forest nemesis is Autumn Olive. It’s invasive and terrible beast. It takes over forests, growing faster than native trees and it is very hard to kill. I admittedly, am not doing anything about it lol. But my dad is, and he’s done a lot on our family’s up north land to get rid of it. I am rooting him on. And also it’s nice because we can see farther, which means we can see bears. Bears are sneaky.
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My partner’s nemesis is the dandelion, as it was his father’s before him.
Sometimes we burn weeds with a blow torch thingy, especially drive or patio weeds that grow through the gaps. VERY satisfying, though obviously don’t try this at home if you’re in a fire zone.
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My nemesis is buckthorn, and sometimes I go on a rampage and pull a bunch out and take pictures of myself holding it up like I'm a man holding a fish on a dating website.
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I love this so much, Nic. Such a tangible way to process and embody grief. Sending you lots of love.
My nemesis right now is the higher-ups at our (national) fertility clinic company. My partner and I are having a tough time on our fertility journey - which is no one's fault, and the providers at our local clinic have been nothing but wonderful. But I've found some of the materials from the national company misleading on probabilities, finances, etc. I have now engaged in a prolonged email battle with the company to get them to make their resources clearer and more transparent. Am I misdirecting my grief? Perhaps. Is it satisfying to get these private equity-owned fuckwads to admit they are skewing their graphs? Absolutely. So I will carry on.
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This made me think I have a never before articulated nemesis in people who litter! I finally got a trash picker for myself and bring it on most of my walks. I am so self-satisfied with picking up trash and I can imagine expanding this practice to have some self-talk like yours. Any ideas of what I could mutter to myself while picking up trash?
I also definitely have a nemesis in AI and companies that rely on AI for customer support/chat support. I went to battle with a company for six months this past winter because of how much AI was f'ing up an order (on an eco-friendly product too, the irony)!! One could say it was a waste of my one wild and precious life but at the time it felt worth it to scream over and over again HUMAN AGENT!! HUMAN AGENT NOW!!! For six months of headaches and AI f'ups...I persisted...got my eco-friendly product...and will never recommend or order from them again. :)
Thank you, that felt good just to type out.
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Thank you for understanding!! I feel like my true kindreds now consist of those who deeply and viscerally relate to this! Sadly it wasn't my first and won't be my last time screaming this!!
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Damn thistle and burdock root. Digging it up with a 25lb pick axe. Then it comes back. I kill it again. It will never end, but it doesn't know I won't stop until it is GONE.
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