What to eat after a colonoscopy
Today’s question comes to us from Kio Stark:
What should I eat after my colonoscopy?
First of all congratulations on heeding the call of preventative healthcare. For those yet to heed it, or not yet at the age for heeding it, which the Mayo clinic says is 45, a colonoscopy is both a fucking pain in the ass (I see it. I meant it.) and potentially life-saving. So it kinda evens out.
I’m not going to get into the details of what happens, because you’re all on the internet, you can find that, and it’s beyond the purview of today’s question. There is one important piece of pertinent information though: before your colonoscopy you can’t eat. You have to drink some horrible shit to empty you out that tastes like Project 2025 if it were a liquid. And while you may not exactly be hungry beforehand, you will be afterwards.
Best case scenario is you’re walking out of that doctor’s office with a slight limp, a clean bill of health, and a hearty desire to FUCK 👏 YOUR 👏 COLON 👏 UP!
Let’s look at a menu:
PIZZA. Let’s be real, if you live in a city, it’s going to be right there. Corner shop. Walk in and grab a slice. But Mike, I don’t do carbs. Today you do. Free pass. Get the greasy slice too. You’ve earned it. Also this counts as an appetizer. So just do the one slice.
BURRITO. You literally just cleared a space in this exact shape inside your body. Fill it with a delicious burrito. Al pastor? Fuck yes. Extra cheese? Yes again. And don’t ask for a spinach tortilla. You know deep down inside that a spinach tortilla isn’t made of spinach. It’s still a tortilla. Just eat it. (Also, this may be a geographically biased answer, since I live in San Francisco. But every culture has their own delicious tube food. Falafel, shawarma, etc. They’re all good. But not wraps.)
A FUCKING SANDWICH. I’m talking a proper deli sandwich. Jewish deli. Italian deli. (Again, geographic bias in play here. We have close to zero of either in SF, but I grew up in Philly and these were the two genders delicatessens came in, and we loved them both.) Get a hoagie. Get a meatball sub. OMG, get a fucking reuben, it comes with a pickle! Take it to the park. Find a nice bench to sit on. Watch old people play chess. Eat that motherfucker. Your colon is ready for it.
CLAMS CASINO. Look, man. It’s seafood and dairy. Together. And it comes with three martinis. At lunch. If you’re ever going to have this you’re either on a three day bender with your racist grandpa or you just got out of a colonoscopy. Might as well.
ENCHILADAS. This would 100% be my choice if I were living in Los Angeles or the really anywhere in the Southwest. At the kind of place where the server screams HOT PLATE as they put 3000 calories of cheese and a giant poblano pepper that was autopsied, filled with cheese, and then deep fried, in front of you. The kind of plate that makes you go “Oh fuck me.” because you’ve already inhaled enough guacamole to feed a family of four. You are well and truly fucked, but you are going to eat it, and you are going to think of ZZ Top as you do it.
LASAGNA. Trust Garfield. He was right about Mondays, and he’s right about this.
SOMETHING YOU BOUGHT FOR YOUR DOG. Look, we know their food is better than our food. You’ve always wanted to find out for sure. Today is your day.
AN ENTIRE SAFEWAY CHICKEN. It’s three dollars, it’s been there for over a week, and chicken should probably be in quotes. Get two. One for the dog because you ate his fucking food. (Take the bones out first.)
A REALLY NICE MEAL AT A PLACE YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO. Now I’m getting serious, you did the thing. You scheduled the colonoscopy. You did the nasty prep, you went through an invasive procedure, and that all sucked. But you took care of yourself, and that’s pretty great. So before all of that happens: right after you schedule the colonoscopy, make a reservation at a nice place. Maybe it’s for that night, maybe it’s a few nights out, but make the time to celebrate. It sucks, but you did it.
And for folks needing to find out more about colon health, the Mayo Clinic has a nice write-up that I don’t think was written by robots.
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