🎃 SpOoKy sChOoL 🎃

Join me and Erika next Friday for How to Business Good. It’ll be a good hang.

This week’s question comes to us anonymously:

Is it worth it to be friends with someone when you know you are going to do all the work?

No. That’s not friendship.

I say that while acknowledging that friendship is both complicated and broad in scope.

I have friends I only ever see in the dog park. We sit on a bench, we give each others’ dogs treats, we talk about the weather, local gossip, a new restaurant that just opened, or perhaps one that recently closed. That is the extent of our friendship, it will most likely never grow beyond that, and nevertheless I treasure it.

I also have friends who know my deepest, darkest secrets and I know theirs. They’re my ride or die. We’ve been there for each other when shit hit the fan, and we’ve been there for each other in good times. We’ve been to each others’ homes, we’ve shared meals, we’ve actively sought out each other’s company. If they call, I pick up. (Mostly because if one of my friends makes a telephone call I know something is wrong.) These are people I would punch a cop for, and vice versa. Always know which of your friends would punch a cop for you.

I also have friends that fit between these categories. We see each other once in a while. If they’re in town they may or may not let me know, given their circumstances, and if I’m in their town I may or may not let them know either, again depending on circumstances. I’m happy to see them when I see them. Some of them send a yearly holiday card, which is always appreciated. And some of them text me once in a blue moon because they heard a record they thought I might like, or because they just ran into someone who mentioned me, or just because. That’s also very nice. And honestly, something we (including me) should do a lot more often.

I think the majority of our friends fall into this last group. We move through life making connections tied to places and circumstances, and when those places and circumstances change the connection changes as well. This doesn’t make the friendship any less meaningful. It just places it in time, where you can still find it.

The commonality between all of those groups is that everyone expects the same level of engagement from one another. If I started asking one of my dogpark friends about their private life they might be alarmed, as it’s a topic we don’t usually broach. If I walked past one of my ride-or-dies on the street and didn’t stop to say hello, they’d be justifiably upset and wonder what was wrong. There’s a level of expected reciprocity that comes with friendship. An expected level of equal love, care, and kindness. And while we all have our good days and bad days, along with a variable level of energy that doesn’t always match up, for friendship to work it needs to more or less equal out over time. Which is not to say that you should be keeping score, but more like—as your question stated—you eventually realize you’re doing all the work. Which is exhausting.

I had two ride-or-die friends in elementary school. We did everything together. We were in all the same classes, traded lunches, walked home together, went to each others’ houses, shared books and videogames. Typical “friends forever” stuff at that age. Then we graduated. One of them went to a different high school, and that was that. But two of us ended up at the same high school. We didn’t see each other over the summer, because I was shipped off to my grandmother’s house, but by the time school started I was excited we were going through this high school thing together. Except, something changed over the summer. When I spotted him in the hallway he just nodded. When I walked up to his table in the lunchroom he pretended not to know me. And after a few attempts, I gave up and gave him the space he seemed to be wanting (teenage boys are not good at expressing their feelings.) This was my first experience with a friendship dying, and it stung. But it was also a good lesson to get out of the way. Friendships end, and new situations will definitely affect friendships. We both ended up making new friends in high school and by the time we graduated we were cordial enough.

The same pattern would repeat itself many more times over the course of my life. Friends I was very close to in college eventually faded away. Friends from work. Friends from the neighborhood. Friends from professional organizations. Online friends. People move. People have kids. And sometimes, people just change. Friends who at one time were your ride-or-dies become friends who send you a holiday card once a year, which is still nice. Our lives weave themselves closely together for a little while, and then they go their own separate ways, to entangle themselves elsewhere. Which doesn’t mean those entanglements were any less real, or any less important. They just… were.

Friendships exist in time. Sometimes their time is up. Doesn’t mean that someone necessarily screwed up (although that can definitely happen), but sometimes it just means that for a little while two people found themselves in a time and place where they were open to each other’s company, had a hell of a run, and then that window closed. And while it would be amazing if that window closed for both of you at the same time, sometimes it only closes for one person, leaving the second one feeling lonely, which is understandable if not easy. Life kinda sucks sometimes. I’m sorry.

I’m guessing there was a time when you and your friend had an equal understanding and/or equal capacity to hold your friendship together. I’m also guessing it was an important friendship, otherwise you wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of continuing it, even as it's destabilized to where you’re “doing all the work.” (Your words.) There might even be a possibility that your friend is in a place where they need you to do all the work at the moment, and it’s worth hopping on the phone or getting a cup of coffee together to have a real conversation. The kind we can only truly have with our ride-or-dies. But I have a feeling that may have already happened.

Sometimes it is time to mourn.

I recently mourned a friendship with someone who’d previously been a ride-or-die. And I won’t go into the details because those are my business, but it was clear that this friendship was over. It was also incredibly gutting. And I spent some time trying to fix it, which honestly I don’t regret. I don’t regret that I tried. (I also don’t regret that it didn’t work, because I can’t regret someone else’s actions, or inactions.) There comes a time when you have to call it, otherwise you’re just gaslighting yourself. There was a friendship. It was real. Then it ended. So we mourn it, because it was important. But we also honor that things exist in time.

The gospel of St. Paul tells us that “the ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please.” (Three of you will get that joke.) And we walk the Earth with love in our hearts. We extend it to others, and they extend their love to us. Embellishing both our lives, and that is beautiful. Somewhere out there, there is someone waiting for a new friend. Energy that we spend on those who love us least is never replenished.

There are eight billion people on the planet. Some of them are awesome. A small group of those awesome people are compatible with you. An even smaller group of those awesome compatible people are in your general area. This still leaves a lot of possible friends out there.

Every time you walk into a room there is someone in that room who would punch a cop for you. It’s on you to find them.

Good luck.

🙋 Got a question? Ask it. You too can get a meandering disappointing answer to your troubles!

💸 Enjoying this newsletter? Gimme $2/mo for the labor. I bring it to you every week!

🛋️ Got troubles? Need a 1-on-1? I got you.

🍉 Please help the children of Palestine.

🏳️‍⚧️ Please protect trans kids.