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This week’s question comes to us from Amy Mabli:

If you had to leave the U.S. where would you live?

The first city that popped into my head is Copenhagen. I’m lucky enough that I’ve been there a handful of times and it’s always a great place to visit. Lots of bikes and bike lanes. They make good coffee. One of my favorite record stores in the world is in Copenhagen. There’s a thriving artist community. Those weird open-faced sandwiches are great. And the people are very friendly. Also, they all speak English, which is handy, since it’s one of the two languages I speak, and the one I’m most comfortable in. Oh, and water. Gotta be surrounded by water. I also like cold places, and Copenhagen definitely fits the bill. Although, I’ve also been there in February, when it was below zero, but that’s why Spain exists, right?

And while Copenhagen was the first place that popped into my head, it was quickly followed by other cities I’ve enjoyed visiting. Tokyo. Amsterdam. London. Wellington. Melbourne. I think I’d enjoy living in any of those cities. Also, I have never been to Barcelona, but I have a feeling that once I do it will rocket to the top of this list.

Also Nazaré, which is in the part of Portugal where my people are from. And where I spent summers with my grandmother when I was a kid. If you’ve seen the HBO show 100 Foot Wave you’ve seen Nazaré. Home of the titular 100 foot waves. Which existed when I was a kid of course, but the larger world didn’t know about them yet. They were our secret. My grandfather and I would walk to the lighthouse and watch the waves hitting against the cliffs and he’d tell me that these were the biggest waves in the world. I didn’t believe him, of course. I thought it was standard grandpa hyperbole. But I also didn’t want to believe that I was seeing the biggest of anything. Not yet. I wanted the really great things to be in the future. Something to aim for. Which means I missed out on some great things that were right in front of me.

To be fair, the waves in Nazaré aren’t 100 feet tall in the summer, which is when these trips with my grandfather would happen. The Atlantic saves its rage for the winter months. I finally got to see them in their full majesty last December, when I went to Portugal to bury my father, which we’ve already discussed and won’t linger on about. Other than to say that the waves were beautiful, they gave me what I needed at that moment in time, and I finally had to admit that my grandfather was right.

However, living in Nazaré carries with it the stigma of moving back, which is always loaded. It’s deciding to live with ghosts. The ghosts of my grandparents, the ghost of my younger self, and the ghost of my father, which—no. So while I don’t think I could live there, I could see spending winters there. Which is weird, because I didn’t go there in winter as a kid. I went in the summer. But while I love water, and I love the ocean, I am happier staring at it, and fearing it, than I am swimming in it. So yes, I think there are some winter months in Nazaré in my future.

It’s also the only place on my list that isn’t a city. I need to live in a city. I like cities. They have things, and people, and buses, which are things filled with people. Also noise. I love the noise of a city.

Here’s the thing, though. Let’s go back to Copenhagen for a sec. As much as I’ve enjoyed visiting Copenhagen, living somewhere is always different than visiting. As much as I like Copenhagen, I think what I might really like is being on vacation in a place where I have zero responsibilities. If I lived there I wouldn’t be waking up whenever, spending the morning in cafés, eating wee open-face sandwiches for lunch, digging through record store crates in the afternoon, and scoring drugs in Christiania at night. Living there would mean going to work, figuring out a way to pay rent, dealing with visa issues, finding a doctor, and meeting deadlines. And while it might still be an amazing place to do all of those things, it’s worth remembering that when we say “I could live here” what we might really mean is “I would really like to be on vacation forever.” Which is fair.

Also, those people who hang out with you when you visit a city? They’re excited that you’re visiting their city. They want to show it off. They may even take a couple of days off to show you around and enjoy being a little ambassador full of civic pride! But all of those people eventually have to go back to work, do laundry, and go grocery shopping. (Fun weird fact: I love going to laundromats and supermarkets in other cities.) They got to take a little vacation too. Which was nice. But eventually, they also have to go back to their lives.

But let’s talk about what we’re really talking about when we talk about leaving the US…

In the past couple of years, I’ve had friends leave the US. All of them had their reasons, which aren’t mine to divulge. Except they all revolved around safety. Either for themselves or for their kids. And I’m glad they’re all in a safer place. I truly am. I also think those friends would acknowledge the privilege it takes to be able to make a move like that. Which, like all privileges should be extended to everyone. I’d like everyone to be able to choose where they live, and be safe where they choose to live.

I also answered your question with privilege. I answered it with the idea that I would be able to choose where I could live next. Not to mention the privilege of having sampled enough other places throughout my life that I was able to consider multiple options. And again, this is a privilege we should extend to more people, not less. I genuinely think we’d be kinder to each other if we ate one another’s food, as Anthony Bourdain used to say. But not everyone who’s left the US in the last couple of years has been able to choose their destination.

In 2024, shortly after the election that brought Trump back to power, I was invited to a friend’s housewarming. And despite not being in the best mental state at the time (see: election, results) I went, wanting to support my friend, and also because maybe it would be nice to be around other people. It wasn’t. I found myself standing on a balcony with several people as they discussed where they would be moving to before Trump got sworn in. Several places were bandied about including the various capitals of Europe, New Zealand, as well as Hawaii. (To be fair, their list wasn’t that different from my list above.) I believe an English guy, who referred to himself as an “ex-pat” was considering moving back. (I enjoy how English people always refer to themselves as ex-pats, never immigrants, which is how they’d describe anyone else who’s taken the exact same journey.) (Also, I just wrote a list of everyone who’s going to send me an angry email about that last parenthetical. I look forward to checking off every name.) The phrase “ride it out” was used a few times.And yes, I think all of these people would describe themselves as privileged, there’s enough self-awareness in them for that. They’d also describe themselves as liberal, which to be honest means something different to them than it does to me.

Eventually I started asking people when they would come back, and most of them gave me some variation of returning when conditions improved. At which point I’d ask them who they thought would be working to improve those conditions, and they’d make some excuse to walk away. I am fun at parties. Also, I was working through my own shit. And while maybe I could’ve extended people a little more grace, I still wonder about that question.

None of them left, of course. Just like no billionaires moved out of New Your City when Mamdani was elected mayor.

My parents left Portugal in 1970, a toddler and a new baby in tow. At the time they left Portugal was decades into a fascist dictatorship, so I’m glad they left. And yes, I see the hypocrisy between that statement and the last couple of paragraphs. Which is to say that I understand both the complexity of the situation and the complexity of my own feelings about the situation. (Again, I am so happy that my friends who are in targeted groups, or have children in targeted groups are getting out. Truly.) But when the fascist dictatorship was toppled in 1974, a wave of my parents’ friends started moving back. As did other Portuguese who’d emigrated to other parts of the world. I didn’t visit my grandparents that summer, because the situation on the ground felt a little too volatile but I went the summer after. By then, my grandfather’s main concern was the wave of “returnados” (returnees) who’d moved back “after we did all the work.” (To be clear, my grandfather did none of the work, and his actual affiliation is shrouded in family mystery and questionable.)

But I think there is a difference between leaving for safety and leaving for inconvenience. I also don’t think I get to decide that for anyone. As much as there are days when I want to do so. I miss my friends, and I’m glad they’re safe.

I have lived in California for longer than anywhere else. I have lived in my apartment in San Francisco longer than I have lived anywhere else. And while I love to see other places, and meet other people, and eat their food, and yes, even think to myself “I could live here” as I am packing up to come home—home is here. Not just my stuff, but my people. My community is here. And quite honestly, I’m too tired to learn how to live somewhere else. Plus we have burritos and nice light.

I like it here. I’m staying. I will make here safe.

🙋 Got a question? Ask it! C’mon I need more questions!

🏖️ Mule Summer School got off to a bang this morning with Erika and Kristina Halvorson talking about selling work. Everyone had a blast! Next week: How to Talk to Strangers w/Erika and Kio Stark! Fun! And then…

🏖️ How to Start a Newsletter w/me and Steph Monette, and…

🏖️ How to Make a Book w/me and Lucy Bellwood!

📓 Looking for some light summer reading? My new book, How to die (& other stories), is perfect for the beach! Seriously! (and if you order one now, I’ll sneak in one of those hot pink tombstones!)

🍉 Please keep supporting the children of Palestine.

🏳️‍⚧️ Please keep supporting trans kids.