How to get wise
This week’s question comes to us from Rain Vichy:
If you were 35 years old again, how would you proceed in life?
Oh, I’d fuck it up.
I was pretty stupid at 35. Not as stupid as I was at 25, but definitely more stupid than I was at 45. I’m now 57, and still fairly stupid, but the real trick is that at 57 I’m relatively comfortable with how stupid I am, whereas at 35 I was desperately trying to proof to everyone that I was incredibly smart. Which I was not.
When we’re young we’re taught this story about aging where as you get older, you get smarter, and eventually wiser. What they don’t tell you is how wisdom actually works.
When we enter the adult world we’re desperately trying to prove ourselves to the world. We’re making our way, we’re trying to impress people, and we’re trying to get that all-important first job. But most of all we’re trying to convince ourselves that we’re worthy of this new “adult” label, especially if we’re saddled with a mountain of student debt. (There’s nothing more American than debt being the major signifier of adulthood.)
As a newly-formed adult, I spent a lot of time trying to convince others (but mostly myself) that I was a worthwhile adult. Which means I spent a lot of time flapping my gums, and not that much time listening to others. (I doubt I was alone in this.) I also spent a lot of time trying to convince people that there was nothing they could teach me, because I already knew everything!
Here’s an example: when I was younger and someone mentioned a book they’d just read, or a movie they’d just seen, or an album they were into, and asked “Have you read/seen/heard it?” I would’ve most likely said yes. Because I didn’t want to seem ignorant. The thing is, that person was most likely wanting to share their joy with me, and had I been honest and admitted my ignorance of that book, or movie, or album, they would’ve enthusiastically told me a little bit about it to get me to want to experience it as well. And then I would’ve learned something I didn’t know.
The path to wisdom is being confident enough to admit you don’t know something. So getting back to your question, if I was 35 years old again I’d (hopefully) be much more open to admitting the things I didn’t know anything about. I would enthusiastically say “No, that’s new to me! Tell me all about it, it sounds amazing.”
Now, if you’re the person on the other end of that equation? When someone admits their ignorance about something, under no circumstances should you admonish them and make them feel stupid. Honor that they were brave enough to admit it, and say something like “OMG, I’m so excited that you’re about to experience that. You’re gonna love it!” Therein lies grace.
Grace is the path to all of us learning a little bit more about one another.
At 57, I get excited when I encounter something I’m still ignorant about. It’s an opportunity to go to bed smarter than I woke up.
I wish I’d been able to do this at 35. But hey, I got there eventually.
🐐 Simone Biles started the morning of her historic Olympic gold medal victory with a therapy session. It’s official: therapy leads to gold medals. Still waiting for my therapist to award me mine, though. Someday.
🙋 Got a question? Ask it, and I might answer it!
🤡 JK Rowling remains a clown. I’m not going to link to anything specific. The statement is evergreen.
📖 Buy a zine. If you’re an educator looking for zines for your students, hit me up!