How to enjoy Thanksgiving
This week’s question comes to us from Jared Spool:
What do you think we should do about Thanksgiving?
TL;DR: We should spend it with people we love and who love us back.
My family didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving when I was a kid. We were immigrants and this wasn’t our holiday. But my brothers and I eventually wore my parents down. We were young and impressionable and we really really wanted to celebrate the same holidays that our friends did. We were young and stupid. We’d seen A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, and we wanted that. So we wore down our parents and Thanksgiving became a regular holiday at our house.
And of course, since it was a meal at our house, it shared all the dynamics of a meal at our house. My mother would cook. My father would expect to be waited on. My mother would say “I’m afraid it’s not very good.” My father would grunt and say “It’s edible.” My brothers would argue until they got a look from my father. Or if he was in a particularly foul mood, a slap. Or a salt shaker would get thrown, either at a body or a piece of infrastructure.
This was the dynamic at every meal, but the fact that a holiday meal was supposed to be a special event, with the expectation of everyone being on our best behavior, only ever drove us to be on our worst.
As we got older, it only got worse. My brothers and I diverged paths. I headed in one direction, and they headed in another. Racism, which was always welcome in our house growing up, became a main character with a seat at the head of the table. As I got older and more uncomfortable with that (and here I must admit that I was too comfortable with it for too long), my requests to not use certain language at the table was usually met with some manner of “we’re amongst our own here” or “stop picking fights with your brothers.” And for years, shamefully, I tried to make peace with this.
“It’s just one dinner. You can ignore it.” I’d say.
“Maybe if I get really high before I get there.” I’d think. (I did try. It was never enough.)
I have a feeling my house wasn’t the only place with this dynamic.
Eventually, I started making excuses to not go. Which wasn’t the same as addressing the problem head-on. It was avoidance. But it was avoidance of a thing that needed to be avoided. And in time, I did tell my parents why I wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving anymore. And they made it very clear that I was being the problem. Which made the decision easier, if not heart-breaking.
Don’t feel bad for them.
On November 5th, 2024, we found out that there are plenty of people who want to spend Thanksgiving at my parents’ house. America really really really wants to be able to say the n-word at dinner. Which, of course, they always could, and always have. They just didn’t want to have to pay a price for it. And for years, we didn’t ask them to.
You don’t have to join them.
The history of Thanksgiving is the history of gaslighting. It is the history of inviting people to sit at your table only to fuck them over. But things don’t need to end up where they started. Atonement and grace are always on the menu.
So this Thanksgiving, share a meal with people you love who love back. Love you wholeheartedly. Love you for who you are. I guarantee they are there. Welcome them into your home. They will bring weird-ass side dishes. They will bring amazing side dishes. They will, OMG… they will bring pie. Someone will bring a Tofurkey loaf. And that’s fine! And if someone invites you into their home you go. Take a pie. It’ll be amazing.
As we learned in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, it’s not the meal that makes it special—it’s the company.
❓ Got a question you need answered? Ask it. I may have an answer. It might even be good.
🎂 Today is our friend Dan Sinker’s birthday. We’re glad he’s here. He wrote a wonderful post about the Gaza Skate Team. Read it, it’ll make you feel nice. Then honor his birthday request and smash that donate button.
📕 Ok, last week I made a mess of the book announcements (look, I wasn’t at my best for reasons, ok?) I do apologize though. And I’m still in the middle of sorting it. But AS OF RIGHT NOW… the new Design Is a Job paperback (red cover) should be available wherever you buy books online. In the US, I suggest getting it at Bookshop. In Australia, I suggest Fishpond, etc. etc. Also, your local bookstore can order it for you. Tell them it’s in the Ingram database. (That’s the default database they always check when you ask about a book.)
🌹 If you are feeling the need to do something, may I suggest going to a DSA meeting? I’ve gone to two since the election and it feels like the community I really need right now. There’s probably a chapter in your area.
🏳️⚧️ Now more than ever, donate to Trans Lifeline if you can.
🍉 Now more than ever, donate to the Palestinian Children’s Relief Fund if you can.