How to eat Halloween candy in the correct order
This week’s question comes to us from Ashley Chapokas:
What’s the right order for eating your Halloween Candy?
Great question. I’m going to attempt to answer this as my 12-year-old self who just got home after Trick-or-Treating with a pillowcase full of candy, ran into his room, slammed the door behind him, and emptied out the pillowcase on his bed, rather than the 57-year-old man who’s currently sitting here with a plastic Creature from the Black lagoon head full of a five pound bag of candy that he bought last week with zero intention of sharing with any neighborhood children.
It’s not that I don’t want to share my candy. But kids don’t seem to come around my block. I don’t know if I live on one of those blocks that kids avoid, or if kids just don’t do that anymore, or if the city just isn’t very kid-friendly (meaning affordable to working families). Probably a combination of the three.
Let’s get candy sorting.
First of all, let’s agree that candy-sorting is either a solo activity, or a kids-only activity. Your parents will try to get in on it. Either because they want to steal your shit, or because they’ve bought into the Halloween candy panic(Drugs are expensive. No one is putting them in your kid’s candy, Susan), or because they want to impose some sort of limitation on your candy consumption (ACAB includes policing your kid’s Halloween candy consumption, Steve). Hopefully, your bedroom door has a lock, but if not, it should be fairly easy to set up an argument between your parents that buys you enough time to do what you need to do. (Kids know how to do this and I won’t be crass enough to think I need to make a suggestion here.)
Ok, now on to the sorting.
Let’s start by snatching up the thicc boys. You got at least a few full size candy bars. Let’s go ahead and separate them from the pile and stash them safely away for later. You’re not going to eat a whole bar of one thing right now. Tonight is about variety. Those’ll hold. So let’s hide those wherever you stash your weed and the rest of your vape shit. We’ll come back to them later in the week. Most likely after smoking some of that weed.
Next up we’re gonna grab all the fun-size chocolate. Snickers, 100 Grand, Payday, Twix, Butterfinger, anything Reese’s, etc. That’s primo stuff. That’s your all-star selection. Maybe half of those make it to tomorrow.
Below that you’ve got your still-chocolate-but-not-really category. Your Mounds, your Almond Joy, your Milky Way. Your squishier shit. They’ll be fine after you’ve run out of the better stuff, but that’s probably tomorrow.
3 Musketeers flat out suck. This is not up for debate. Throw them in the trash. Or, if you have younger siblings, see if you can use them as trade bait for the better stuff. Younger siblings are probably dumber than you. Make it work in your favor.
After a few fun-sized chocolate bars, I’m probably looking for something in the gummi family. Look around the pile for Sour Patch Kids, those are the best. If you can’t find those look for Nerds, Swedish Fish, gummi worms, etc. Also excellent.
Grab the Starburst.
This is probably around the time that your pile has shrunk down enough that you spot the toothbrush and travel sized toothpaste. Toss that shit.
Your pile should be mostly hard candy right now. Grab the watermelon and green apple Jolly Ranchers and toss the rest of the hard candy back in the pillowcase. Leave it for your parents to find when they make their way into your room. This is the shit you let them confiscate. They’ll offer to let you have a few before they take the bag away for “safe keeping.” Act upset, or they’ll realize what’s up. Ask for more. They’ll begrudgingly give you one more. (Go ahead and give them the win. They need it.)
They’ll feel victorious as they eat your unwanted hard candy while watching a Korean culinary competition show on Netflix, while you get under the covers, eat another 6000 calories that’s mostly corn syrup, and wonder if there’ll even still be a planet left to call home in ten years.
❓Got a question? Ask it!
📖 The next two people who order a Design Is a Job zine are gonna get one of those cool stickers linked to above included for free. Could be you.
📕 Speaking of which… since we were in a book layout place getting the new version of Just Enough Research out the door, I took the opportunity to get Design Is a Job done as a proper paperback. (The zine stash is shrinking!) The good news is no more international shipping cause Ingram prints everywhere. I haven’t announced it yet. But because we’re friends, that link gets you a $10 discount.
👻 It’s Halloween. If you’re not listening to The Cramps right now, what are you even doing?
🎃 Tonight’s movie is It Follows. Read nothing about it. Just be warned that it is terrifying. Ok, maybe you should read a little bit about it.
🚔 Be safe out there tonight. And for god’s sake, don’t call the cops on kids egging your house.
Enjoying the newsletter? Let me know. It’s nice to hear from readers.