How to choose a donut
This week’s question comes to us from Jamie Thingelstad:
How do you decide which donut to get?
First off, congratulations on your donut. Donuts are fucking amazing and everyone should have a donut. Some of you might be thinking about donuts and attaching the word “deserve” to it. Fuck that. Deserve has nothing to do with donuts. You want a donut. You should have a donut. You should be walking to a donut shop as you read this. Some of you — and bless you, I see you — might have to walk a little further to get your gluten-free donut, but they exist and they are good and you are very invited to the donut party.
“But Mike, I’m watching my weight.”
Cool. I’m watching the end of the world. And I’m having a fucking donut.
Now the amazing thing about donuts is that they can show up in your life in multiple ways, and deciding which donut to get kinda depends on how they’ve come into your life.
If you’re at your local donut shop you have free range of everything in the case. Me? I’m probably getting a Boston cream, but if you ask me again in ten minutes I might give you a totally different answer because donuts are highly dependent on mood fluctuations. (In fact you have no idea whether Boston cream was the first donut I wrote in the previous sentence or whether I’ve changed it several times.) I might be walking to the donut shop and be totally craving a cake donut, picturing it so clearly in my mind, thinking about how it tastes, salivating over that cake donut, thinking about the amazingly dense, solid texture of a cake donut—and then I get to the shop and spot a pink icing donut in the case and my world immediately changes. We were always wanting the pink icing donut. We have always been at war with cake donuts.
Donuts are one of the very few things in life that reward a lack of commitment. And while those things should probably be very few in number, it’s important that we have a few and that we’re very clear on what they are. Donuts are one.
And since we’re at our local donut shop, let’s ask ourselves a question that’s even more important than “which donut,” and that is “how many donuts” and for “whom.” Because why not pick up a couple dozen assorted donuts to give away to your neighbors, the kids playing pick-up ball in the park, the skate punks at the corner, the folks in the dogpark?
It is hard to doomscroll while eating a donut. A donut demands and deserves your full focus.
If you’re picking up donuts for work, always get an assortment. Let people enjoy the variety. Let there be diversity in the donuts! Make sure you get enough donuts for everyone. Let there be equity in the donuts! And if you have co-workers who can’t do gluten, grab some gluten-free donuts. Let there be inclusion in the donuts! (Seriously, gluten-free donuts aren’t that hard to find.)
And if you walked into the break room and there were donuts on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday? That means Friday is your day to bring donuts.
“But Mike, what if multiple people bring in donuts on the same day?”
Then you have twice as many donuts. I’m not seeing a problem, Brad.
If you go to a party and there are donuts, have a donut. If you’re dropping off your kid at a children’s party and there are donuts, have a donut. If you walk by a random table in a hotel lobby and there are donuts, grab a donut. If a neighbor offers you a donut, grab a donut. If you’re in the waiting room at the oil-change place and there are donuts, have a donut.
If you’re called for jury duty, bring donuts. If they tell you that food isn’t allowed inside, stand there and slowly eat every fucking donut until the problem is gone. ACAB includes telling people where they can and can’t bring donuts. If you’re going to the DMV, bring donuts. If you’re getting on the bus, bring donuts. If you’re going to your monthly DSA meeting, bring donuts. In fact, the only place you shouldn’t bring donuts to is a donut shop, because they already have donuts. But while you’re there—get donuts.
If you’re a designer consider swapping out stupid phrases like “white space” with “donut space.” Elegant, elegant donut space.
Normalize walking into a job interview completely covered in powdered sugar. Normalize taking a three hour nap at your desk because you ate too many donuts. Normalize eating a donut in the church confessional. Normalize walking into your colonoscopy appointment with donuts for everyone. Normalize meeting your accountant with the lower half of your face completely covered in donut glaze while they explain why you still have to file federal taxes in the middle of—waving hands in every direction—all this.
I am living a full-on donut-positive existence.
“But Mike, what if they’re those little donuts covered in chocolate that tastes like wax?”
Shut up. Those might be the best donuts.
🍩 Huh. The donut emoji is chocolate glazed with sprinkles. That’s a good donut.
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