How to actually be helpful
This week’s question comes from Milly Schmidt:
What's your most annoying bad habit?
My most annoying bad habit is that I like to help people.
Wait! Don’t delete this email yet. (I saw you roll your eyes!) Let me explain. (Men should pay particular attention.)
To slightly rephrase: my most annoying habit is that I don’t ask people if they want help before just offering it.
Imagine you’re having a conversation with a friend and they’re telling you how their day went. Eventually, they’ll start talking about something that annoyed them because our days contain lots of things that annoy us. Sometimes it’ll be a tool that didn’t work, or a person with an irritating demand, or a set of keys they couldn’t find. My natural inclination is to jump in and say shit like “Have you tried this other brand of tool?” or “Have you though of responding to the irritating demand in this fashion?” or “Have you thought of getting a hook for your keys?” This is me trying to help. It is also—and trust me on this—really fucking annoying to the person you’re theoretically trying to help.
Thankfully, my therapist gave a really great tool for dealing with this annoying habit. I wait until my friend is telling their story and then I ask them “Are you venting or looking for advice?”
Sometimes people just need to vent. Oftentimes, venting is part of their solution process, which you need to honor. And if the goal really is to help people, making sure they’re in a place where they want, and have room for, your suggestions really is the helpful choice. So huzzah, you’ve achieved what you set out to do.
Answering questions is fun! Send me more by replying to this email with one.
If you’re looking for a zine, they are here. If you’re looking for Sofa Stories, the delightful book I co-wrote with Betsy Streeter, it is here. You should purchase both to be happy.
My friend Dan Hon has made some excellent Reply Guy stickers, which you will also want to purchase.