How to accept a compliment
Giving me $2 counts as a compliment.
This week’s question comes to us from Tante:
How do you take a compliment? I mean really take it, accept it, even if you don't feel like you deserve it? How do you let that kind of energy in?
By being kind.
I guess we’re starting with a story.
Many many many years ago I gave my first conference talk. I was incredibly nervous, because it’s a nerve-wracking thing to do. So I showed up in time to listen to some of the other talks, which is the polite thing to do, but it only made me more nervous because everyone else really seemed to have their shit together, and they were all saying Very Interesting Things™, which made me start thinking that I didn’t have Very Interesting Things™ to say. By the time it was my turn to speak I was a mess. And when I walked out on stage, whatever anxiety I was already bringing with me was joined by the adrenaline kick my flight-or-fight response (which is mostly flight, if we’re being honest) triggered from seeing all those people staring at me, which of course woke up my imposter syndrome to remind me that all those people were staring at me To Watch Me Fail™.
Somehow, I didn’t fail. I did the talk. There was polite clapping at the end. And I walked off feeling incredibly relieved that I’d gotten through it without wetting myself, which counts as a victory for a first conference talk. I may have even said one or two Very Interesting Things™. However, I was still coursing with adrenaline when I walked off. The idea of public speaking had terrified me since I was a kid. It’s a hard thing to do, so having gotten through it and emerged… alive, I guess… still had me coursing with adrenaline. Which is kind of understandable when someone does something that they’ve been afraid of for so long. Like swimming with sharks, jumping out of a plane, or… giving a conference talk. (Shut up. You’re probably afraid of bees.)
And it was in this adrenaline state that I walked out into the hallway, where a very nice well-meaning person came up to me and said “I enjoyed your talk.” At which point I screamed “Thank you”, hugged them, and possibly lifted them in the air a little bit. Which, to be very very clear… I should not have done. Thankfully, they were a good sport about it, realized I was in a state, and extended me some grace. For which I was thankful.
But if I’m having trouble falling asleep at night, this incident is part of my brain’s Cringe Moment Highlight reels, along with that one Valentine’s Day in elementary school where the teacher had to make me a pity valentine, along with several gym class incidents. So that’s awesome.
It turns out we’re not very good at taking compliments. Or regulating emotions. Or falling asleep.
My therapist (who reads this newsletter and hates it when I talk about her) and I ended up doing a whole session about how to take a compliment. Because the people who were supposed to be modeling adult behavior to me as a child decided not to (they don’t read my newsletter). The truth is, we’re all a little bad at accepting compliments, possibly because we don’t get enough compliments, which is something we’ll talk about as well, because why not. But also because a lot of us carry around this idea that we don’t deserve the compliments that we do get, which is bullshit.
Accepting a compliment is a learned behavior.
The key to accepting a compliment is to understand that the moment isn’t about you, but about the person offering you the compliment. Whatever it is that you did, you were able to move someone. Moved enough that they’ve thrown caution to the wind, possibly overcome all manner of social anxiety, walked up to someone they possibly didn’t know, and offered the gift of telling you that you did something that moved them enough to go through all those obstacles. That’s really hard to do. This has nothing to do with what you deserve, and everything to do with how gracious you’re willing to be in this moment.
This is not the time to convince them that they need to do the additional emotional labor of convincing you that you deserve the compliment. They’ve already decided that, and it was their decision to make. You can’t assign work to someone who’s handing you a gift.
This is also not the time to turn a gift into a chore by asking them something along the lines of “what did you like about it?” as if the compliment itself wasn’t enough. Again, you’re assigning work to someone who’s handing you a gift, while also making them defend the idea that they should be handing you a gift. (You just guaranteed that person will never pay another human being a compliment ever again.)
This is the time to reward someone for doing something that, frankly, we could all be doing a lot more of, which is reaching out to other human beings and saying “hey, that had a positive effect on me! Thanks.”
The best way to receive (not take!) a compliment is to simply thank the person for the compliment. “Thank you, that means so much to me” usually does the trick.
Since that first talk, I’ve gotten much better at both the talking and the accepting of compliments. Now I take a little time between the talk and going out to wherever people might be. If possible I’ll sit for a bit. Let the adrenaline run its course. Take off my shoes and do the Die Hard trick. (Shut up. It works!) When I’m ready I walk out to people, I go out feeling much more emotionally regulated. And if I see someone headed my way I put out my hand to shake theirs. If they pay me a compliment I say “Thank you, that means so much to me!” Which is 100% true, getting a compliment makes me feel great, and having a standard line for this interaction makes it no less genuine. In fact, knowing what I’m going to say to you means that I can now focus on what you’re saying to me. And if you’re saying something nice, I want to remember that!
Let’s take a quick second here to deal with the dudes that use a compliment as a foot in the door to start an argument. (Yes. They’re always dudes.)
“I enjoyed your talk.”
“Thank you, that means so much to me.”
“I’m wondering if you can elaborate… I have a minor nitpick… From my observation… etc… etc…”
“You know, I’m not really in the right headspace for that discussion right now.”
If they continue, feel free to walk away. Using a compliment as a foot in the door to start an argument is an asshole move and doesn’t deserve your time. Unless, of course, you enjoy that sort of thing. Then go with god. But seriously dudes, don’t do this.
A backhanded compliment is violence, and should be answered as such.
Honestly, the best thing we can all do for one another is to give each other the opportunity to practice accepting compliments by handing them out regularly. Compliments are free and, with enough practice, they make both parties feel good. So when you go to your grocery store, thank them for stocking that ice cream you like. When you go to your barber, tell them what a great job they did on your hair. When you pick up your morning donut, let them know how much you look forward to that delicious donut every morning. When someone at work wrote a good report, or solved a problem, or designed something well—let them know. When your kid brings you a drawing, you let them know that’s an amazing drawing. When you get off the bus, thank the driver. When a policeman helps you… I’m kidding. Cops never help you. Don’t compliment cops.
(And as a special aside to my fellow dudes, complimenting a woman on something she’s accomplished is so much better than complimenting her on how she looks. This may or may not apply to your significant other, but the good news is you can ask her directly, and that’ll be a nice conversation.)
Think of complements as little condensed pep talks, because they can change someone’s day. They should be given authentically, with positive energy attached to them, and with no requirement for reciprocation.
They should be accepted in the exact same way.
Thank you for asking me such a great question.
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