Crab Theory
Every summer, my Dad would begrudgingly throw us in the car and drive south to Maryland. Why he did this I don’t know. He didn’t want to do it and we didn’t want to go. It was always hot, our 70s clothes were made of polyester, the car was always sticky, and the air conditioning in the Volaré never worked. At some point during the journey someone would get slapped and someone would cry. Sometimes they were the same person. Sometimes not. All of this is beside the point, but if I’m going to tell a family story, I’m going to tell it real. So… once again here we were. Driving down I-95 to a friends’ house for the day, with a pitstop at the beer distributor because not even my dad shows up at a crab boil empty-handed.
My parents’ friends had irritating children my age that I was supposed to play with while I was there, but like I said, they were irritating. I avoided them by hanging out in the backyard watching the adults get progressively drunk and grabby while their Sears’ polyester leisurewear succumbed to the stress of their hairy sweaty me-generation flesh. This is also where the food was being prepared.
“Why is there no lid on the crab bucket?” I asked my dad, in his Kiss the Cook apron.
“Get the fuck away from the crabs,” he answered helpfully.
“Seriously though, won’t they escape?”
He takes a deep breath, followed by a long drag on his Parliament, rolls his eyes and attempts some actual parenting.
“It’s like this. You see this handsome crab trying to escape the bucket? He’s almost out. He wants out. But if he gets close to escaping the other crabs reach up and pull him back down. The other crabs would rather everyone be miserable together than have one crab escape.”
“Is this a metaphor?”
“Fuck off.”
Fast forward to 2021, during a pandemic that’s seen the world’s billionaires get $1.9 trillion richer. I’m going for a walk with a friend. They’re telling me they’re exhausted. On top of living through a pandemic, they’re being asked to work really long weeks, while also being treated like shit by management.
“You need a break.”
“I do.”
“Hey, don’t you have unlimited time off?”
“Oh yeah, but I can’t take any.”
“Why not?”
“The other employees treat you like shit if you do that.”
“Crabs in a bucket.”
“Is that a metaphor?”