We Are Not As Kind As We Think
How self-compassion can silence our inner critic
We pride ourselves on being kind toward others. We offer support, lend an ear, and extend our generosity to friends, family, colleagues, and even strangers.
But what if we directed that same kindness toward ourselves?
Instead, we tend to push forward relentlessly, ignore signs of fatigue, and engage in harsh self-criticism whenever we fall short of our own expectations. This, as we know, is a direct path to overwhelm, exhaustion, and burnout.
Self-compassion is the kindness, care, and understanding we show to ourselves. It means:
- Noticing: Acknowledging (without judgment) when we are struggling, tired, or overwhelmed.
- Responding: Choosing kindness over self-criticism in moments of perceived failure or difficulty. Allowing ourselves rest and recovery.
- Doing: Taking small, concrete steps to care for our own well-being, just as consistently as we perform our other work.
When we treat ourselves with compassion, we:
- Build the inner resilience needed to continue engaging with the world impactfully and sustainably.
- Move away from the burnout cycle fueled by self-neglect.
Where can you introduce a small act of self-compassion into your day today?
What critical inner voice can you choose to soften, just for a few moments?
Kindly,
/rajesh
I really like the idea of the "compassionate critic," which I thought of based on your response. Above all, I'm striving to align my thoughts with the truth, and to be overly critical without compassion could also deviate from that. You gave an example of "Pathological Kindness," and the opposite end of that would be hyper critical and state something like, "you're a failure and an idiot." Both of these examples are not true (because I AM responsible for my failures, but I'm not an idiot), but your example of a "Self-Compassionate" response to the failure is, not only kinder, but it's the only example that aligns with the truth (failure IS a part of the process, and I CAN improve next time). I often lean towards the harshly critical, but your response above has revealed to me that by doing so, I'm not actually being truthful, which can only bring negative results in the long-run.
Exactly!
Self-compassion, in other words, isn't a mere feel-good thing, but a truly rational tool available to us if we are interested in doing impactful work.
As you also point out so strongly and clearly, self-compassion helps us align with the real world better than the two extremes of Pathological Kindness and Relentless Self-Criticism.
Thank you for enriching this conversation. I appreciate it very much.
I often reject the kindness approach towards myself because everyone around me already does that for me. When I've failed in my previous business attempts, they keep coming up with external excuses as to why I failed, trying to deflect the errors that I'm responsible for which caused the downfall of my previous businesses. I'm also very hesitant to be kind to myself (in the realm of business) because I get this sense that society as a whole is putting on a facade of "pathological kindness." I sense a push towards kindness that is used more to absolve individuals from self-responsibility and escaping uncomfortable truths. For example, the fat acceptance movement wants to avoid hurting the feelings of others (wants to "be kind") and so pretends that being obese is just as healthy as being fit. Or other examples like when people want to blame your failures on immigrants or racism to be kind to you, rather than telling you that you have spent too much time scrolling on social media instead of making yourself more employable. My overall point (whether valid or not) is that I have become adverse to kindness in the business world because it seems to be the first step towards renouncing one's self-responsibility.
Thank you for this incredibly important point. You've articulated a crucial distinction that gets to the very heart of the kind of "kindness" I write about.
I completely agree with your critique of a certain "pathological kindness" we often see – the kind that is used to deflect responsibility and avoid uncomfortable truths. The examples you gave for this are perfect. When "kindness" is used to make external excuses for someone's failure ("it wasn't your fault, it was the market/immigrants/racism"), it's often not kindness at all. It's closer to pity, and as you rightly point out, it can undermine self-responsibility.
This is exactly why it's so important to distinguish that kind of external validation from the self-compassion discussed in the newsletter. They are fundamentally different.
The self-compassion I work with (and advocate for) is not about making excuses or avoiding truths. In fact, it's the opposite:It's about building the inner resilience and emotional stability required to face uncomfortable truths and take responsibility for our mistakes without being crushed by shame or self-criticism. In short, with this type of self-compassion, excuses and failure pretty much disappear from our vocabulary, liberating us to do our work with a clearer, more even-keeled mind.
I think of it this way:
Pathological Kindness says: "You didn't fail. It wasn't your fault." (This avoids responsibility).
Self-Compassion says: "Yes, I failed in this attempt, and I am responsible for my errors. That's okay, because failure is a part of the process of learning. I can analyze my mistakes, be kind to myself for being imperfect, and then take corrective action."
By contrast, a harsh inner critic often leads to burnout or defensiveness, making it harder for us to learn from mistakes and unfamiliar events. A compassionate internal position allows us to look at our errors clearly and honestly because we know that making a mistake doesn't diminish our fundamental worth or our ability to try again.
This is why my personal work ethic includes both "Behave compassionately toward myself" AND principles like "Think rationally" and "Act decisively and impactfully". They don't contradict each other; they work with each other. Self-compassion provides the resilience needed to uphold the other principles, especially when things get difficult.
You've given me a lot to think about, and you're right to be wary of any approach that encourages renouncing self-responsibility. I have found that self-compassion (the way I defined it above) can be a powerful, foundational tool that enables us to be more responsible and effective in the long run.
Does this distinction between responsibility-avoiding "kindness" and resilience-building "self-compassion" make sense from your perspective?
I really appreciate you pushing this conversation to a deeper level.