This Was September 2026
First, this little essay I wrote with you all in mind.
September was a weird mood month, not in a bad way but a weird way. I've acknowledged that something changed after Ireland but I don't know what it is. I think that's still to be discovered through actions and activities and my next steps in life. In the meantime, I feel weird. But like… good weird.
Here are some highlights from recent reflections:
Fucking around in Ireland by myself gave me more confidence to bebop around life solo. This isn’t an “alternative choice because I’m not getting what I really want” … I like spending a lot of time alone and I want to continue to do so. I don’t know why I had so much anxiety about admitting that.
Much of my anxiety surrounding going to new places has disappeared (I still have adjacent anxieties for things like parking and talking to new people). I went to fucking Europe alone. It seems I'm no longer afraid of entering new buildings.
I’ve been feeling remarkably less (dare I say, zero?) self-disappointment around what I can't keep up with or do because I live alone without daily support with life’s tasks. Stuff people consider "the bare minimum" which I suck at because of disability. Related: the idea that I have to have all my shit together to be worthy of love has disappeared from my brain.
I’m still struggling to show up for myself consistently and keep my boundaries.
I have a hard time having patience for the day-to-day. I like planning and outcomes, I don’t like waiting.
I’ve begun reprioritizing my financial goals to support more solo international travel & so I can hire more support to make up for my executive dysfunction. I still want to keep a happy & healthy home for myself and Zenny.
I’ve been changing up major routines and cycles that I've kept stagnant for too long.
I’ve updated my approach to health - mind & body. I want to live for as long as I can and keep experiencing everything through curiosity and play. I am so jaded right now in the same way we all are, but I don’t want to lose these parts of who I am.
I've achieved a few things I was thinking about for years but never had the guts to do. Small things here and there, but enough to remind how good it feels to take care of myself above & beyond.
It’s a nice moment, even if I am absolutely gut-wrenchingly heartbroken that I won’t get back to Ireland for a while. I know it’s not “all about Ireland,” but something about that trip knocked my reality to the side a bit and now it’s going in a different direction than it was before.
It's not something I feel like I can articulate still, except to say that September was weird, a jumble of emotions and new ideas and major changes brewing from within. I am not interested in living the exact same life I had before August. (I am interested in spending the rest of this administration getting the fuck away from this country as often as I can.)
From what I've heard, people who pick up the solo international travel bug rarely stop, and their lives change dramatically. Mine probably won't because I can't afford to do it often, but it'll still change non-dramatically because I am riding this wave.
I achieved what I wanted and set out to do at 28: I live alone, I'm financially ready enough to travel internationally more often than once a decade, I got my writing job, and I find joy in everyday things.
I have felt stuck and stagnant and like I was playing by everyone else's rules, "go with the flow" because I didn't have goals. I have felt like I was letting the world carry me, sitting in a giant inflatable donut on the life I'd built for myself based on old goals. It was fine for what it was; I needed time to be still, float, process. But that's done now.
It's a scary feeling but it's a good one. I want to be SEEN. I've never felt this way in my entire life, always quiet and hiding and observing from the booth in the corner. Now I want to talk to strangers, make friends everywhere I go, and never see them again. I want to leave impressions and have impressions left on me. I am open for change. I have spent most of my life thinking there was no reason to look for more but now I'm insatiable.
First I must figure out how to handle the day to day, and how to infuse that energy into home life, too. I’ll share it with friends and family. Someday, maybe, I’ll actually articulate a more concrete goal to work towards. Until then I'm excited to walk alone in more places that feel like home even though I've never been. I'm excited to impulsively purchase trips I don't tell everyone about until I leave, or not until after I get back (sorry not sorry).
It feels something like a new lease on life but it's a slow transition, so it doesn't feel like I'm reinventing or disrupting anything. I just am, all the layers that have been bubbling beneath the surface afraid that I'll make people uncomfortable are bursting and I'm not stopping them anymore. I am losing my mind and sleep and I want my heart broken 1,000 times again.
I'm letting go.
🎃 Halloween is Coming! 🏚️
I love watching all the stuff pop up throughout the summer but September is when it gets very heavy and extra fun, full of good things everywhere. Like this big cowboy skeleton.
Every year I do a spooky movie franchise watch and this Halloween season has been Scream! I couldn’t wait until the first of October and started with the first 3 movies in September. They are such beautiful time capsules of the mid-late 90s.
I did get through some of my Halloween mail and I’m almost done with the first batch. Suffice to say, the cards will likely get sent late this year. They are delightful though so maybe it’s worth the wait.
My Posts & Things
I am writing a lot lately but not sharing much of it. It’s intensely personal and necessary.
Water Ripples – seasons
One of the places I take walks only gets water ripples on one side of the lake. I'm not sure what the science behind that is, especially since it's the other...
Flying Circus Airshow - Lone Earth
Sept 20, 2026 in Bealeton, VA
Checking in with myself – seasons
I get very life reflective this time of year. after I get home from my birthday trip every year, I isolate. I go outside and take walks and buy groceries...
Media Reviews & Thoughts
TV: Because of the new Prime series, all streaming services I use started recommending King Arthur / Merlin related series. I’d seen most of them already from a few years ago when I watched a bunch of the shows in a row, but this time (including the Prime series), I was served with two others I hadn’t seen:
The Winter King (2023)
Camelot (2011)
The Pendragon Cycle: Rise of the Merlin (2026)
I was really disappointed that The Winter King didn’t have any additional seasons.
I’ve also been watching Lanterns (2026), I wasn’t into it at first but it got pretty engaging.
Books:
While camping this month without a book in hand, I began the DK Definitive Visual History of Architecture and I’m learning a lot about the different types of columns and the interior structures of ancient ruins globally. It’s bringing me back to elementary school too which is pretty cool.
I started reading The Oxford Handbook of Apocalyptic Literature which is incredibly academic and dense AF but it’s interesting and I’m learning about the mythologies of many religions, which is cool. This is one of those books that I saw & couldn’t keep myself from starting immediately.
Links
There’s a lot going on right now. None of this is bad news.
This Reddit thread: What computer habits do you still have that give away the fact that you grew up with them in the 90s and 2000s?
Just the Recipe: Drop the URL of a recipe and it’ll strip the stories, popups, and ads
It’s OK to tell ICE their actions will haunt them, judge rules in speech fight
Court Decision Prevents Trump Admin from Removing More Than 900 Bison from Federal Land
Thanks for reading!
I hope your October is treating you well and you’re getting a good amount of spooky cheer in your weeks!
Things suck everywhere for many reasons so I hope if you’ve been feeling down you’ll take some time to reflect on your month and the stuff that brought you joy. If anyone you know appears on that list, share it with them.
xo Max
