This Was October 2026
October was, of course, mostly dedicated to Halloween things. I made a thing about that and instead this issue focuses more on my innermost thoughts & feelings.
How Halloween Planning Works For Someone Who Is A Loner (Something Something Social Anxiety Too)
One thing about me that has changed in recent years is that I have all my Halloweentime weekends activities plan before October begins and many are yearly activities with certain groups/friends. I used to wait for people to invite me to things but now I plan it, and I repeat activities so nothing is too "new and scary" and to create traditions with my people/community.
It's a very nice change and I'm glad I take the effort to arrange time with people who have similar obsessions and can show me things I don't know about too. It turns out that many of my friends are OBSESSED too, so I get to spend the month with people (and kids) who love it as much as I do, instead of being the "leader of Halloween" for everyone. (I don't mind that sometimes, to be clear.)
My social anxiety makes me feel like I have to make sure I see people a certain # of times per year so they don't feel bad I haven't seen them in a while (read: not because I need to see people that often, but because I am afraid of giving others anxiety about it since I have such different needs).
But Halloweentime reminds me it's not about quantity, it's about quality time spent at haunted attractions, discussing Halloween destinations around the world, casually writing spooky dimensions over reality, eating the RICHEST gluten free gooey brownies that I still think about, and leaving Spirit Halloween with Halloween costumes. It's also about my yearly horror franchise movie marathon which I do alone, time spent drawing writing or other creative things related to my loves, my quick in&out shopping endeavors, local events, non-social nature walks to watch the world change over the month, and playing Halloween events in phone/video games (which can be social, if you play the game too).
It's a good reminder that I can be having these sorts of meaningful experiences all year if I could get out of my head about showing up the "right amount of times," as if friendships have rules for how often you see each other. Because it was so social, October therapy sessions also included heavy discussion about my social anxiety and how it presents.
Everyone assumes I don't hang out a lot because of the anxiety, but actually the anxiety only presents when people express that I don't hang out "enough." My therapist is helping me re-frame what "enough" really means in this context. It's not an indicator that I'm not meeting an arbitrary social rule; it's an indicator that those particular friends have higher social needs than I do. And it's still okay for me to say no, even if it's been a while since we last met, because there is no "quota" I need to meet for each friend/group.
I hate having so much anxiety about seeing the people I love, but I'm happy to be building the resources and boundaries I need to express my needs better so we can work together to find ways to make it work without triggering my anxiety. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "can you phrase that sentiment differently because when you say it that way, it makes me feel bad." In your absence I miss you too but it's different for me. "Missing" doesn't mean "let's see each other again soon" in my mind; it means that you're part of my life and I love you and sometimes I miss you. I think maybe I need to be clearer in my phrasing so we don't cross wires, too.
Halloweentime for me is also extra special as a spooky-365 person, not just because "it's finally here," but because everyone is finally living through the lens I keep all year. It does not need to be Oct 1 - 31 for a ghost to haunt you. Even if I don't see people, I get to send everyone mail, receive mail from some, exchange hellos via text or meme sharing, and overall bask in the goodness of the season with everyone I love!
So again, this time of year is reminding me about the many ways I connect with the people in my life, and it's not necessary to put so much emphasis on in-person time if it causes so much anxiety!
Halloween 2026
This year I started a Leaflet to keep my Halloween photos and seasonal overviews. In the past I kept an album but this makes it easier to create/maintain and also puts all of them in one spot.
If you're curious to hear about my season so far, visit the 2026 Halloween season overview! I’ll be adding photos & tales from previous years too, whatever I have in my phone now.
Halloween Seasons
I am a "spooky 365" type of person who keeps spooky decor up all year. Halloween season starts around June/July for me each year so I can soak in spooky sum…
The Intentionally Solitary Life
I've been battling for a long time with this social expectations stuff, and it wasn't until recently that it clicked (in therapy, of course) that I don't need to meet anyone's social needs if they push my limits. Sometimes I can disappoint them, and it's not up to me to make up for the gap they perceive in my performance.
We have talked a lot about past friendships and how those people reacted when I said no or didn't strive to people-please their every desire, when I wouldn't "take their disability into account" and fully give them everything they needed at any time regardless of the impacts on me.
These were not good friendships and I don't have those friends anymore.
Why am I worried that my friends now will react that way? Muscle memory, I guess. Turns of phrase and triggers from past lives that I can't remember now, but which we've broken down into bare bones "What IF" questions.
What if I disappoint them?
What if I don't hang out 3x in a row after they keep asking?
What if I see them a few times in a row but then for the rest of the year I dedicate social energy to other friends?
What if I just don’t feel like being social for a while and I’m thriving inside my house alone?
What if my social patterns are unpredictable and can't be steady based on timelines or external expectations because that's simply not how I operate - there are no standard flows, I can't always be ready, and I'm in progress figuring it out?
And then we role play through my local friends/groups and discover that none would explode in my face or call me mean things. They would instead ask questions to understand me better, or maybe laugh because of course they don't care about my pacing it's fine, or maybe remind me that "we've already had this conversation before and I'm the exact same way."
So in space between, the anxiety presents because I have unresolved friendship trauma.
Among the many changes I've been making the last few months, one of them has been to update my life outlook. It's not just that I'm a "low social needs" person. I live an intentionally solitary life. I have relationships and connections and I love talking to new people, but I also have the wonders of technical communication channels to keep alone most of the time while staying connected. It's a beautiful thing, even though we're all trying to use it less.
Other methods of communication to me are the same type of tangible connection as seeing someone face-to-face. These are vulnerable monologues updating my closest friends on life. I know in the past I might have sold or offered these types of things widely, but my recent mailings only go to people I want a lasting connection with. My zines, letters, and postcards, of course, but I also treat texts with photographs similarly. Instead of posting on social media for 75 people to see at once, I'm piecemeal sending photos from my life/experience to people if they might like it. In the contrast, it feels much more tangible than posting something online. I'm sharing my life with you 1-1.
Each season I try to compile my lessons learned and summarize what we went over in therapy. September/October were so intense with social anxiety sessions that I am excited to share some of my wins early. I'm learning to deal with my ghosts and learning how socially rich my life actually is, how satisfying and full, even though I interpret it in a different way than many other people.
All social connection is "social time" to me, even if brief, even if not in person. It's a gift to feel so much of someone's presence through digital means
However, it does make the balance and expectations a little wonky if other people don't feel the same way about mail and meme drops. I get it's probably annoying for local friends to see me as often as distant friends, or less.
There's much to learn about compromise and boundary-keeping, having difficult conversations where I have to try to explain it's not personal I'm just a weirdo loner, and spending less of my free time worrying about all of it.
Writing Workshop
In October I also did a second digital writing workshop from Sundress Academy for the Arts (safta). I found this from a writing blog a few months ago and went to one in summer, but then lost the link. Recently challenged myself to find it again and I’m hoping to go more often.
It’s nice to refresh those skills in different ways, learn alternative perspectives on writing and get prompts from creatives across the board. Many of the monthly workshops are poetry-focused which I don’t have much practice with, so it’s a little challenging!
https://www.sundresspublications.com/safta/workshopsThey are free and virtual but donation suggested for each host. You don’t have to participate, but there are opportunities to share.
October’s workshop was called “Ghosting the Self: Writing Through What We Avoid Confirmation.”
The facilitator gave prompts and time for everyone to respond, and started thinking I was going to process the potential for something lost and ended up weaving through sensory experiences, confrontational statements, perspectives/angles/reframing, hidden details, ghosts (of course), and a quick reset, and out came a poem that describes the lives we lead as segments in the portals between eclipses.
The workshops are not all meandering like that. It’s fun to engage in different styles and approaches and I’m looking forward to writing more, and being vulnerable about sharing it too.
Great American Eclipse, 2017
Great North American Eclipse, 2024When you come back, I hope my heart feels settled, my back straight and centered, and my body bold and wiser.
I didn't even recognize it
I didn't even recognize myself
I didn't even recognize it in myself
I was lost.I remember I went crazy.
That is not how it happened; I hung out with people more often, drank maybe too much, and processed the loss and confusion through movement and connection and touch.
I missed the opportunity, the potential, the shadows of the pieces that fell on the ground after they were crushed beneath the dance of time.When you came back, I was still building the scaffolding
When you return, I wonder who I'll be when I step through the portal again
Pencilbooth Newsletter Archives
On December 11, Pencilbooth is shutting down and all archives will be irretrievable. This is where I started my newsletter in January 2025, and issues continue to February 2026 (I moved to Buttondown for March).
I have saved my archives as PDFs; there’s no easy way to transfer here. I don’t know if I’ll upload or share them again, make them into a zine, or just let that die with the site. I wanted to give you the opportunity to review them if you had interest before they’re gone Dec 11 (there are a lot of neat links, at least!).
PencilBooth
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Media
Since I was so social, work was busy, and I had other things around home going on, I watched way less movies than I normally do in October. Instead, I mostly stuck to TV shows and stuff I could complete in an hour.
Movies:
I watched all the Scream movies and it seems based on people’s Letterboxd reviews I loved them more than the average bear. Consolidated reviews and thoughts coming soon I’m sure.
The Third Man (1949)
Haunted (1995)
Practical Magic 2 (2026)
TV:
I finished Outlander, which I stopped watching mid Season 7 because I was burnt out from going through S1-6 and having to wait week-to-week for 7. Followed up with the spin-off Blood of My Blood, which was difficult to get into at first but now I’m HOOKED.
VisionQuest - I think this show might be too smart for me, but I am enjoying it visually.
Carrie - The new series on Prime is fantastic and it created a lovely October leadup to Halloween.
Widow’s Bay - I finally caught this one that everyone watched earlier this year, and I love it. I can’t wait to watch it again and catch hints that I missed.
Links
Neat things
FrameXTV: Decrypted HD streaming for movies, TV, anime
Machado: Web-based writing tool
A Mystical & Whimsical Autumn: Cool autumn art!
Zines
News & AI things
Oct 20: Why Calling Anti-Trans Hate a “Distraction” Is So Troubling
Oct 22: Meta’s AI could still scrape news sites, legal experts say
Oct 23: Just Eat apologizes after AI turns food into literal potato jackets, tiger cubs & bacon soda
Thanks for reading!
I feel like with all the things that have been changing about how I spend my time recently, some of the stuff about this newsletter will change too. Not sure what that looks like but I’ve been musing on the idea of updating more sporadically. Instead of month-in-reviews, I might share more about what I’ve been thinking, reading, or doing “lately.” A quick hello when I feel like it, not a time-bound, structured missive.
Luckily Buttondown is fairly flexible about how often you can send mails and I don’t have enough subscribers to worry about it, so nothing else would need to change in any new delivery plans.
As always, I appreciate you for reading and for your interest as I detangle my thoughts and feelings about life and how I can live it well.
I hope you’re taking some time to get out and enjoy the visual and colorful changing of seasons and crunching leaves beneath your feet often!
xo Max
