thank you notes(kflo)(3)

i'm thankful that on friday, my grandmother and i's city hall legal transactions were finished after enduring the hassles and inconveniences of marching on to government offices for four consecutive days. i'm thankful that we have the energy to go out and attend to these government-related paperworks, which if i'm being totally honest are a bit frustrating. i'm thankful to see my grandmother walking around, despite her rheumatism and arthritis, to see her under the warm light of the sun, to see her thrive under the glass globe of life, even in such a little thing as following-up necessary legal documents, and such. i'm thankful to notice that when we're together, we balance each other out: i, the grumpiest, grouchiest teenager alive; she, calm and centered, kind and peaceful. i'm thankful for grandmothers, in general; how their warmheartedness never seems to fade out, or burn out. i'm thankful to know that when i'm trying to be kind, like my grandma, my choreographed kindness always fades out after an hour or two. i'm thankful to know now that kindness is as visceral a thing as anger, frustration, rage, and that one should never fake it. i'm thankful that right after we payed for our land and building taxes, grandma asked me where we should eat for lunch. i'm thankful that i paused to consider that question, thankful that i didn't forget that we just paid a ridiculous amount of taxes (for me, at least), thankful that i assessed our present cash money situation. i'm thankful that there's one brunch place that i liked way back freshman year, and thankful to have the audacity to tell her i like for us to eat there, and that she should worry a bit coz it's a bit expensive for brunch.

i'm thankful for headaches, thankful that it's one of the constants in my life. i'm thankful that i hate it, and sometimes hate myself for it, and hate the world for it, it all circles and evens out somehow, thankfully so.

i'm thankful for people who don't understand that my face's default look is always a bitchy one. i'm thankful that i've grown tired of explaining myself to anyone, so i never bother with it anymore. i'm thankful to have gone through a time of surreal, deep-seated insecurity, where everytime i'm not understood, i go out of my own way to explain myself. i'm thankful for the idea/concept of validation, how ridiculous it is sometimes. i'm thankful that the other night, my friend kim asked me three times if i'm okay because i, according to her, ""look annoyed at life."" i'm thankful i managed to look even meaner than i do when i heard this, and just shrugged, with burning fire in my heart, silently screaming ""why can't you understand that this is my default face!!"" and thankful to have surpassed this moment of pure anger, bitchiness, meanness, ""ratchet-ness.""

i'm thankful to have learned how to consciously be mean, thankful to realize it's an important life hack, like knowing how to set up a tent, or something (thankful to note that i should learn how to set up a tent for a beach camping trip i'm going to take alone soon). i'm thankful to remember this beach camping trip i signed myself up for, and of which i now partially regret. i'm thankful that at the moment before signing up, which was about a month ago, i felt like i can handle it, financially. but now i'm thankful to realize and understand that i really can't because i'm going back to college two months from now (i want to be thankful for this, despite this ruining my hastily-planned, poorly-decided beach camping trip, but which i think would still be awesome anyway).

i'm thankful to just pad my fingers through this thought-flow of thankfulness, which i'm experiencing and thankful to describe as meditative. i'm thankful that i don't have to worry about grammar, or punctuations, or coherence here, even though i'm thankful to think that justin wolfe is a really excellent writer and that i'd regret or be too embarrassed in the future about these submissions. i'm thankful that i can tell you that now i'm beginning to get anxious, thinking of you reading this, maybe rolling your eyes at my corny-ness? maybe scoffing at my incoherence? whatever, it's fine, i'm thankful that you're reading this. i'm thankful that i started thinking of writing this three hours ago, when i felt that i need to get off an incoming anxiety fit, for lack of coffee in my system, and thankful that now, even though i started this off recounting a moment that has passed, i am back in the present. i'm thankful that i am here, and that you are, too. i'm thankful."

- kflo (4/24/16). 

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