(m)
i'm thankful this will be really difficult to write because it's about me being an absolute knob head, asshole and piece of shit.
i'm thankful for n, who is an absolute angel of a person and has been nothing but patient with me.
i'm thankful that for some reason, i've treated him like rubbish in the past few weeks. i'm thankful there is no justification for how horrible i've been.
i'm thankful it was him who called me out on my rubbish. i'm thankful for how difficult that must have been for him because he's one of the least confrontational people i know. i'm thankful he did.
i'm thankful when he told me, i didn't feel the need to go on the defensive. i'm thankful to apologise to him again and assure him that it was and will never be my intention to hurt him. i'm thankful to accept that my apology will never be good enough.
i'm thankful to try to offer myself some grace and forgiveness even if i still replay the conversation in my head all the time. i'm thankful for moments like this which humble me beyond words and remind me how much of a piece of crap i am.
i'm thankful to try to be a better and more intentional friend going forward. i'm thankful to try to stop hurting the people that love me. i'm thankful for difficult conversations, introspection and all the things that are unearthed through them.
i'm thankful that i feel crap now but it will help me remember to be a more considerate and graceful friend. i'm thankful though i can't see it now, i hope i'll be.
i'm sorry n, i know you've forgiven me already but i need to do this because nothing will ever be enough to say sorry.
m (9/10/17).
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