11/20/19

i'm thankful to write that i woke up again at 5:30AM today feeling like i am on an endless treadmill and i am never going to get the things done that i am supposed to get done in the way they need to get done by the time they're supposed to get done, even though that is a horrible feeling, because it is affirming to write out these feelings instead of keeping them completely inside myself. i'm thankful to know, in the back of my mind, that we have savings and that any time i want to, i can quit and we'll be okay and i can get another job. i'm thankful to allow myself to daydream about a future where my work situation is different, either because i finally will get the support i have been asking for at this job or because i get a new job at a better place.

i'm thankful to remind myself that there are nice things that i experience on the treadmill too, like figuring out a difficult component mounting issue and realizing it wasn't as difficult as i had made it out to be in my mind, or pairing with k and talking about how to interact with the DOM, or finding the right git command to do the thing i needed to do after a little while in which it felt like i had ten thousand spoons but all i needed was a knife (i'm thank you alanis). i'm thankful that i tried to reframe a discussion in a JIRA card to be more realistic about what we're capable of doing and to reflect on how i need to be better about establishing expectations for what we can do.

i'm thankful for the feeling of relief i feel at the end of my workday, even though that feeling is also often intertwined with thoughts of the things that i had hoped to accomplish but didn't and how getting those things done the next day, but i'm thankful that i have always been able to compartmentalize. i'm thankful that d made this (https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1020522-spicy-oven-fried-rice-with-gochujang-and-fried-eggs) for dinner and that though, after many an encounter with a sweet potato, i am deeply skeptical of the term "oven fried," the rice was crispy and sesame-oil-y and wonderful. i'm thankful for the interesting multi-layered technique for cooking the various ingredients in the sheet pan. i'm thankful that there were more shortbread chocolate chunk cookies for dessert.

i'm thankful that after waking up at 5:30am i cuddled with miso until my alarm went off and i'm thankful that miso also cuddled with d and i on the couch last night while we watched TV. i'm thankful for TV, which has its issues but has provided me with comfort for my entire life. i'm thankful that d and i watched some more of the new netflix show about nasty cherry, a band charli xcx assembled, which is like if the monkees was the hills. i'm thankful, as someone who loves rock and roll process descriptions and depictions of rehearsals and being in the studio and stuff like that, that i enjoy the show, even though it's pretty plastic. i'm thankful that we also watched another episode of the netflix rap competition show rhythm and flow, and i'm thankful that cardi b is a judge, since she is always ready with a hilarious non sequitur, such as when TI praised a track as being tight and she volunteered "tight like my butthole." i'm thankful for "butthole," which is a funny word that always brings me joy to use.