Archive • Internet Runoff • Buttondown

September 27, 2020

👋🏼 👉🏼👈🏼 I took a bit of a break when the world compound fractured, and between kind of itching for the creative outlet and things probably never looking up...

I Might Have to Put Joe Biden

But COME ON there was what appeared to be a big, wet fart during the recording of his most recent campaign livestream, which is one of the more meta things I...

This Election Is Truly Testing Me

By November Trump is probably going to have something like a quarter million bodies on his head and I’m still going to be refreshing news sites on Election...

Dang This Game Is Realistic

Ashley🦋 @ashleycacioppoabsolutely no one: my dad doing virtual reality: May 16th 2020249,951 Retweets846,192 Likes This man is living my nightmare of getting...

A Name That Sounds Fake

In addition to having all manner of murderous animals, Australia this week revealed itself to be in possession of one Richard Pusey, or: dream song 4...

Much of Today’s Issue

And we’ll lead with a story from The Ringer about the visual effects from TWISTER, a film that, released in the same summer as INDEPENDENCE DAY, was a...

Okay I Promise to Stop Leading with Elon

So let’s talk about this Mario ad: Kim Cattrall @KimCattrall“I’ll always find time for Mario” Marc @MarcSnetikerfully losing my mind over this Nintendo ad...

Okay, So I May Have Broken Everything

So I took a day off, sent Monday’s thing out at a weird time, and then completely wrecked my cadence through unexpected napping is kind of the short of it....

A Quick Jump Out of the Gate

After getting called out the other day for being part of Team Reopen the Country, it looks like Elon took a long, hard look in the mirror and…let me check my...

There's a New Meme in Town

For this transition of months: paige @BonerWizardMay 1st 202038 Retweets194 Likes Even though *NSYNC (Wikipedia says it’s also styled as ‘N SYNC, which seems...

Movie Theaters Are Upset

Just sitting here, silently imagining the entire movie theater industry upending itself over TROLLS WORLD TOUR. What ha-happened was, the big theater chains...

In Another Case Of Accidental Solidarity

As they’re now encouraged to eat fries at least twice a week in an effort to save over *Dr. Eggman voice* 1.5 billion surplus pounds of potatoes and help out...

While states were busy re-opening, the people who were previously chaining themselves to the governor’s desk so that they could die inside the World’s Last...

It Was Literally One Month

Normally the humor of their headlines comes from their outrageousness, but in the case of “Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump...

Just Another Day At My Job

I’ve got a sweet do-nothing gig where I make sure no well-known public figure has endorsed injecting disinfectant into your veins. In all my years on duty...

It Takes A Special Person

But this Xenomorph of Karens has gone and done it. Scottie PIPM @scottiepipmK*ren: "Arrest me" Cop: Okay K*ren: 😲 April 23rd 202039,656 Retweets183,647...

I Can't Help But Think

𝖇𝖎 𝖈𝖚𝖓𝖙 @brokebackboysYALL, DID I SEE THIS CORRECTLY? April 21st 2020650 Retweets4,002 Likes Right, to “greet” you, is that what the wolf said? Later on in...

The Whoosh Sound

When this came through, and I’ve got to say, everyone needs to go to church. I am so sad @HayekandHockeyApril 21st 20209,284 Retweets34,929 Likes Because of...

Starting first with this article about a troubling looking baby, “I Despise the Large Baby”. Before you get upset about an article ragging on the baby…you...

It Looks Like The Original's Been Deleted

This is a problem with the form I suppose, the transient nature of everything, and how every letter relies on ultimately unreliable sources to provide...

Watching All These Re-Open The Country Protests

explaining commodity form to tired grubhub worker @HegelbonSTEPHEN A: Skip I want to ADDRESS this issue. [BAYLESS nods] You KNOW I am sensitive to the...

There’s a Saying Round Here

“Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.” The strongest nominee for Main Character 20200417 is Adam Schorn, the author...

Issue 30: Why Not Number One of Them?

Imagine going into your job at the audio descriptions for movies factory, and finding out they’ve assigned you to CATS: Carter McKendry @cmckendryOk, new...

This Is One of Those Endurance Challenges

I learned a few things when this video hurtled into my life today: Surprisingly, one of those facts was not “Puddle of Mudd is still a thing?” That I already...

Much Like The French Guy Yesterday

Well, the time that wasn’t spent watching baseball anyways, but more on that later. This dog though: The Slithy Tove @TKDanoOmfg. My friend got some giant...

This Skittish Frenchman

Even from the headline and subhead from this Buzzfeed story alone, there’s so many things to ask about with this particular story. Before we go on, just know...

When You Get Caught

That’s what the headline that starts with “I research porn” is telling me. Just admit that you were honking off, going through and getting a whole career in...

Not that there was a ton of content Online today, but I got down a rabbit hole for awhile with my newest YouTube, Woodturning YouTube (with a side of art...

Normally We Keep This Stuff To Other Corners

Today, two exhibits from the Department of Excessive Online Horniness: Luke Mones @LukeMonesCould be the quarantine talkin but I want one night with this...

In A Throwback To A Simpler Time

Two Names That We All Learned About: Much like Staind said, it’s been awhile since we’ve been able to indulge in the bygone pleasure of just laughing at...

On the One Hand

On the other hand maybe I’ll just enjoy the joke. B. W. Carlin @BaileyCarlinAbsolutely losing it at this April 7th 202058,799 Retweets228,523 Likes Ah damn I...

There Are Certain Times

And seeing this tweet is definitely at least one tick mark in that column. Adam Egypt Mortimer @adamegyptThere’s never been a satirical sci-fi mind in all of...

Panda Horniness Will Never Be Understood

Question 1: Does the zoo keep someone on hand to get photographic evidence of this sort of thing? The angle of the photo makes it seem very voyeuristic, like...

This combination headline/bullet point list takes you on a journey. Right away, I started with being certain of what a Celta Vigo is (a soccer team it looks...

But Wait, Before We Act Impulsively

One of the strangest phenomena of following politics is seeing the particular subclass of grifter known as The Reasonable Republican. A quick trip through...

I’d be lying if I said that expectations were high for how Amazon, or really any company in Jeff Bezos’ portfolio would treat its workers during these times....

It Does Truly Take All Kinds

And it’s been very surprising to see which corners of my social feed have discovered this game. So this really spoke to me and is a nearly-perfect summation...

In Which I Find Out About Embeds

Even in the less-bad of times, April Fools’ Day online is hell, full of dumb, bad humor from brands (even Mariah Carey agrees!), which is second only to...

I think everything’s a little topsy turvy but which dimension pays you to do this: The big question is do I get that payout every time I finish one of those...

It All Started When They Killed Mr. Peanut

I don’t spend a ton of time wondering what would happen if Literally Anyone Else was in charge of getting us all through this thing, because it’s generally...

Return of the "Listen Here," Mack

It’s very rare to see the goalposts get moved this quickly, but to go from “it’s a hoax and not a thing at all” to “it would whip ass if I can keep us below...

I can’t place exactly when it happened, but this year I’ve spent more time down random YouTube cultural wormholes than ever before, and that was pre-...

I've Never Been Great At Titles

This video isn’t very recent at all, about 4 1/2 years from the YouTube description, but the premise is very dumb and simple, yet the execution is brilliant....

This Basement Has A Cold Glow

So a new Half-Life game is out which would be very exciting except it’s completely virtual reality and I’m not really at a place where I believe in or want...

Imagine There's No Landlords

Today’s cold open will be brief, and only exists to say that jazzcentric t-shirts should find more appropriate things to sub in for the letter ‘A’, or maybe...

The Following Takes Place

Happy March 24th to you, or, as it’s known around here, happy anniversary of the day pitcher Randy Johnson absolutely vaporized a bird with a fastball. This...

We're On a Road to Nowhere

Before we get going, another possible outlet for any generosity you may be feeling during this time of mass shutdowns: this is a site that will connect you...

An Unexpected Face Turn

Literally within minutes of yesterday’s edition going out I happened across this video, which is of a player in Animal Crossing getting sneezed on by a...

It may surprise you to know that ladder acquisition launched me into an extra four hours of playing that game, and how great it is even though the very heart...

Day 1 Post-Animal Crossing

But that game wrecked my already tenuous sleep schedule. After starting it up and midnight and running through the intro period, I was very close to ending...