November 5, 2024

Making a mess | LISB

NB: I’ve been struggling this week, and I know some of you are too. So today is just a simple essay - no links - just a story and a plan. I hope it helps you to read it - it helped me to write it. - HH

Hey y’all,

In the early years of this century, I owned a used book shop, which taught me a lot about retail (including that I don’t care much for it) and buying patterns. Like every year that I owned the shop, February and March were dead months.

People had spent all their gift giving money at the end of the year, and had spent the money they had gotten for Christmas in January, and then… nothing.  But in April, things would pick back up, and I would generally be fine until next February, when the crickets returned. 

I would be filled with anxiety about the mounting bills, worried that this was the year I would not be able to pull through. It was the worst time of the year for my depression, yet it was such a small shop I could not afford to stay home. And we didn’t even have the distraction of customers.

I stood behind that counter every day broke, depressed, and alone. One day, I had stared at those shelves so long they began to annoy me, so I walked over, took all the books off that shelf, and moved it. Then I did it again. Before I knew it, I was in a multi-week reset of the shop, rearranging all the shelves. It was a mess, but one I made on purpose.

The following spring, I did it again. And the next year, again. It became my un-planned ritual - to reset the shop every spring, during the lull. This didn’t cost very much, it gave me something creative to do, and something to look forward to. And when I felt generally out of control, it gave me something very specific that I could control. 

I don’t know how you are doing, but I’m a bit anxious. Actually, I’m a lot anxious. It’s election day here in the States, and this is a consequential election - one that has the potential to shape our country’s future. And, I feel out of control - I have done what I can do, I will vote after I hit send on this email, and generally, it’s then out of my hands. The last few days have been hard. The balance of the day will be brutal. 

---

Yesterday, sitting at my desk, after hours of staring at my computer screen instead of actually working, it occurred to me that I wish I had more desk space in my office. My desk is perfect for computing, which is most of the work I do on it, but it is too cramped to write in a notebook, or a journal, and I don’t have room to spread things out. 

My brain latched onto this problem I have had this whole year, and within 15 minutes I had begun moving things around, and out came the filing cabinets and the leftover hollow core door in the garage and then I moved the desk to face the other way and maybe we don’t need that loveseat in here and… well, I reset my office. Or started to. Last night, when I got home from a work meeting, I was up late moving pictures, reconnecting my computer and running wires and cables. 

This morning, it’s all still a mess, but it’s a functional mess, with a large 24x80 inch new work space to the left of my desk, which now faces East instead of West, and I now have a view of the sunrise in these early hours when I like to write. 

Importantly, I also have something novel to focus on, a project to do that must be done, that will have an endpoint, that has markers of success, and that will, hopefully, make my life better when I’m done. 

---

It’s a trying time for a lot of us. Many of us are just trying to get through it. Maybe today would be a good day to rearrange the kitchen cabinets. Or that junk drawer in your desk - just dump the whole thing on your desk, then you are forced to deal with it. Maybe this is the day to plan what you are fixing for Thanksgiving, or to make a wish list on Amazon of all the tools you will need for the new hobby you are interested in. 

I guess what I’m saying is that when you feel very out of control, one useful strategy is to find something you CAN control, and do that. 

Whoever wins today, they will hardly be the harbingers of Utopia. If the last two administrations - on opposing political parties - has taught us anything, it is that whatever party is in power, it is incumbent on us to fight for the rights of everyone, or else they risk being lost. 

Take care of yourselves today, friends. It’s a good, beautiful world, and one worth fighting for. Your neighbors are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. 

I have to go vote, then come home and clean up this mess. 

HH

Hugh L. Hollowell Jr
(he/him)
web | newsletter | blog