Keep Your Head Up, Keep Your Heart Strong

I want to write you a post gentle like a hug from the person you love best in the world, sweet like a birthday cake baked for you by someone who treasures every day of your existence and wants you to know it. I want to make something soft for you because I want someone to make something soft for me. Everything is so scary and so overwhelming and so exhausting right now, and I'm sure I'm not the only one whose brain never stops screaming and the only way I know how to deal with that is through words. But sometimes there aren't words formidable enough to stand against everything trying to kill us. Sometimes being formidable isn't what saves us. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't.

I have been severely sleep-deprived recently, even by my own standards which have been skewed by a lifetime of sleeping poorly, and on Sunday I just couldn't keep going. I pushed myself so hard to do all the Sunday tasks, of which there are many, and I wanted to push a little farther and get in a walk because unfortunately I have discovered the benefits of physical movement over the past year and I feel the lack of it now. But I couldn't. I hit a wall and there was nowhere to go but to bed. So instead of walking, I made myself an evening coffee, something I'm able to do because coffee doesn't energize me and instead mellows me out and provides me with more restful sleep, and I brought four pillows to bed with me to prop myself up, and all three cats joined me and I read a book while I drank it. Specifically, I read Clown in a Cornfield 3: The Church of Frendo. It was so nice, and it felt so luxurious without actually being all that luxurious, because it's not something I often allow myself.