I Have No Title and I Must Scream

I don't know what to say today. It feels like the height of arrogance to think there's anything I could say that would make a difference, and I'm so tired and defeated and scared and angry and I have nothing left to give right now. Tomorrow I'll wake up and find new ways to fight, new ways to love people and move forward and try, in whatever minuscule ways are available to me, to keep resisting, but today I don't have it in me. Today I need to grieve and breathe and try to prepare myself for the years ahead.

Maybe I suck it up and find the soul-crushing, brain-destroying job that will allow me to save enough money to get out of here. Whether here is this town or this state or this country. I would prefer it to be this country, and fuck everybody who scolds marginalized people for wanting to leave, as though we owe something to a place that demonstrates again and again that it would love to see us dead. Some of us are built for war and some are not and I am not. So maybe I get the job and save the money and find another place that won't necessarily be ideal, but at least won't be the United States. Or maybe I at least get out of Oklahoma and go somewhere with more support networks, more spaces for community and growth, more people who make me feel like existing isn't the most pointless endeavor. Or maybe I keep my head down and get through it, find whatever small pockets of joy I can find in the hellscape where I live. Maybe my mom is right that this is my life and I had better figure out how to not hate it.