One last series of thoughts on the Marvel Cinematic Universe…

Tomorrow, I will be going to see the re-release of Avengers: Endgame in the theater. It is an odd feeling. The MCU is completely dead to me and I’m a bit shocked at how quickly it died on the vine. I’ve seen all the Marvel films. Let me tell you about a few of those experiences. So I present to you:

Randall P. Girdner’s History with the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Haters Gonna Hate Edition!

I saw Iron Man in Ghana when it came out. Wait…let me rephrase that. I saw a bootlegged copy of Iron Man in Ghana. When I first heard they were making an Iron Man movie, I thought, What? Iron Man is the worst! Turns out I was wrong. Feige and his team managed to turn that movie into something pretty good. After watching it, having illegally downloaded it from the internet on a connection that took me approximately three days to download, I was excited at the prospect of more Marvel movies. However, I would have been content to just see 90 minutes of Tony Stark putting on the Iron Man armor. I didn’t need a story (and I didn’t get much of one either). Downey Jr. had a nice little comeback from his prison time! (Oh, how quickly we forget Robert Downey Jr.’s past…everybody in Hollywood gets a second act…including Michael Jackson!).

Next was The Incredible Hulk. Edward Norton is supposedly a douche, so I don’t think I liked this film. And considering I only saw it once in the theaters (I think), that must be true.

I didn’t see Iron Man 2 in the theaters. I wish I didn’t see Iron Man 2 at all!

I saw Thor in Shanghai. First, I couldn’t believe they were making a Thor movie. He was the worst character. Even worse than Iron Man. I never collected Thor comics, even when he got popular. I always found him to be stupid. When I think back on the Thor movie, I remember it looking super-cheap. And sometimes, I laugh at the fact that they dyed Chris Hemsworth’s eyebrows. He looked like a poor-man’s professional wrestler, which probably contributed to my dislike of the movie. However, Kenneth Bragnagh directing it also contributed to my dislike of the movie. I have disliked that man ever since I sat through Hamlet in 1996, his four-hour, uncut exercise in egotism that he directed. I’ve never understood how or why he got famous. His movies are baaaaad. Anyway, they dyed Chris Hemsworth’s eyebrows blond for Thor. I know I mentioned that before, but I thought I would mention it again, because it’s awful. As is the movie.

I saw Captain America: The First Avenger the day it came out. It was a bit lackluster, but it was neat to see a character I never thought I would see on screen. But every time I think about the movie in retrospect, all I can remember is Chris Evans’ gross, oily, hairless chest when he changes into Captain America. I was repulsed. He also looked like a second-rate professional wrestler. Two things worked for this film: 1) Joe Dante directed. Dante directed Gremlins and one of my favorite movies of all time, The ‘Burbs. That movie is highly overlooked. 2) It had Haley Atwell. That woman deserves more fame.

In 2012, The Avengers came out. I took a group of students and my daughters to see it. My daughters were probably too young. It was something I never, ever thought I would see on screen. Though it was directed by sexual predator Joss Whedon, I quite liked the film and walked out totally jazzed. I’m not sure it totally holds up today, mainly because of the incredibly bad costume they gave to Captain America. However, this introduced the world to Tom Hiddleston and my wife would like to thank this film for that (*cough*cough*The Night Manager*cough*cough*). Avengers was comic books super-heroes writ large. If you had told my ten-year old self that I would one day see an Avengers movie and that the world would love it, I would have called you a liar and homewrecker.

Iron Man 3 was awful. I remember nothing about it, other than it was based on a comic book storyline by sexual predator Warren Ellis. Man, men suck. I’m an ally, friends. let’s run them all out of entertainment.

Thor: The Dark World was really bad, but deserves its accolades for not dying Chris Hemsworth’s eyebrows blond. Natalie Portman is not good. I don’t know why she keeps getting jobs, but I’m pretty convinced that she built a whole career from her young turn in the 90s film Beautiful Girls. That movie does not hold up well either.

Captain America: Winter Soldier was where they started cooking. This is a legitimately good film. No notes.

I really don’t know why people really like Guardians of the Galaxy. Though I’m sure James Gunn is a fine human being, his directing style is not for me. His films are too busy. His designs are too busy. And the man relies WAAAAAY too much on needle drops. He bases half his films on the music he wants to play in them. Chris Pratt gives me the creeps. Bradley Cooper gives me the creeps. I don’t remember a single thing about the plot of this film. Let’s just all admit that this isn’t a good film.

I saw Avengers: Age of Ultron in the theater in Bangladesh. Let me just tell this one story: When you’re watching a movie in Bangladesh, in the middle of the film, they stop the movie for a 15 minute intermission. Boom. They just stop it. We saw this movie in a gigantic, concrete monstrosity of a mall in Dhaka. The mall was half-empty, no stores whatsoever, just concrete shells. I remember it being very dark inside and confusing and the theater was at the top of the mall. I was firmly convinced that if there was an earthquake, this mall would collapse. I still feel this way. Anyway, the movie wasn’t very good because the plot point was that they were going to drop a city and destroy the world with it, I think. Sokovia. The whole time I was watching it, all that kept running through my mind was, Why was James Spader famous at all? He always reminded me of the creepy older guys from my hometown who used to come to high school parties.

Ant-Man wasn’t very good, but would have been VERY good if it had been directed by Edgar Wright, who was the original choice to direct it. This is where Kevin Feige went wrong.

I saw Captain America: Civil War through an illegal download in Bangladesh. We weren’t going back to that theater to watch it because we were in lockdown in Gulshan for fear of terrorism. We could not leave our neighborhood. I do not regret missing this in the theater, though I did like the movie and thought Spider-Man was awesome.

I saw Doctor Strange in Canada. I never in my life thought I would ever see a Doctor Strange movie. It wasn’t a very good film, but I did like the weirdo ending of the whole thing. They should have leaned into that more.

I saw Guardian of the Galaxy 2 in the theater in Orillia, Ontario. I fell asleep about midway through. I’m not sure I’ve seen it since. See my earlier opinion regarding James Gunn.

We recently watched Spider-Man: Homecoming and it wasn’t that bad. Michael Keaton was pretty good and it was my introduction to Zendaya, who I found to be quite charming. I no longer like Zendaya. She is no longer charming. She’s famous. Tom Holland doesn’t look like Peter Parker, but I don’t mind him.

Thor: Ragnarok was great. No notes.

Black Panther was even better. No notes, although I would venture to say that they didn’t need any white people in it at all.

Avengers: Infinity War was pure nerd heroin to me. We just watched it tonight and it’s best not to think about it too much, but man, oh, man, that was one of the best endings of any movie in history. Well done.

Ant-Man & The Wasp was the first true sign that things were going wrong. Just not a good film.

I liked Captain Marvel when I saw it, if only because I got a little teary-eyed at the notion that my teenage daughters now had someone cool to look up to. However, I have not watched it since and I’m not sure I will.

Avengers: Endgame was a colossal disappointment. It was so disappointing that I ended up rewriting the whole thing. If you ever want to read it, let me know. My whole problem with it was the simple fact that when you introduce time-travel and the multiverse, you have lost because nothing matters anymore. Ruined the whole franchise.

Spider-Man: Far From Home. We rewatched this this summer. It was much worse than I remembered. Why would you take Spidey out of New York? Bad choices all the way around.

I saw Black Widow while in a two-week quarantine in Toronto at the height of Covid. I might go into convulsions if I had to watch it again, simply for the awful memories it might rekindle.

Eternals. I saw this. I liked it. I have not watched it since. I’m not sure anyone has.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings was a movie I liked. My daughter says it’s still good, but I don’t trust her, so I’m scared to watch it again. Simu Liu’s appearance in this made me watch an episode of Kim’s Convenience and I wish I had that thirty minutes of my life back.

Spider-Man: No Way Home. Perfection. No notes. AND it holds up well.

Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness had the world’s worst wig on Benedict Cumberbatch, and yet that wasn’t even the worst part of that movie. The tease of John Krasinski as Mr. Fantastic was a cruel move and I hated the movie because of it. It was really, really bad.

Thor: Love and Thunder was an embarrassment. Natalie Portman is not very good. Did I say that already? I loved Taika Watiti before this film. Now, I don’t like him at all. Sorry, Taika. I don’t even remember the plot of this movie.

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever was a movie I saw and forgot. They were never going to recover from the loss of Chadwick Boseman, so why did they even make it. Namor was pretty good, tho. I should rewatch.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania was awful. No notes.

The Marvels happened. I don’t know when it happened, but it happened. I never made it through the whole movie.

I guess Deadpool and Wolverine was an MCU movie? I liked it, but I saw it with a good crowd. Hugh Jackman deserved Best Actor for that scene in the car and that is a hill I will die on.

Fantastic Four: First Steps was a dream come true for me. They were my favorite characters and I always wanted to see them on screen. I couldn’t make it through the previous versions of their films. I saw this one in Quebec City. Needless to say, I was underwhelmed. Everyone was pretty much miscast and why the hell did they let Pedro Pascal keep that goddam mustache???? That was so obnoxious. I hate the mid-century modern aesthetic and they should have never allowed that to happen. Vanessa Kirby was bad as Sue Storm. I don’t even know the Johnny Storm guy, but they dyed his eyebrows blond (you know how I feel about that). The Thing was pretty good, but they gave him a beard! WHY???? There were so many weird choices about this film that I have no idea what they were thinking.

Spider-Man: Brand New Day was good, but was riddled with flaws. The Punisher was the WORST. And the big twist ain’t so hot either.

The fact that it made over a billion dollars at the box office speaks to the notion that people want super-hero movies. But if they want to keep making super-hero movies, then you occasionally have to make some good super-hero movies. My negative opinion is that Avengers: Doomsday ain’t gonna be it.

Look, when your selling point is, Look, we brought back Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr., then you’re already trying to mine the nostalgia from eight-years ago. Hollywood just needs to give up the notion of Intellectual Property. Movies suck nowadays. It’s rare to see something good. I’ve been dying to go see a movie over the last few weeks and nothing is ever on. In fact, I’ve only seen three good movies this year: The Odyssey (which I had my problems with), Spider-Man (which had MAJOR problems), and The Invite (wonderful film; no notes). Now, the only way they’re bringing me back to the theater is to mine my nostalgia for Endgame? A movie I disliked enough to write another version of, just for fun?

Maybe Endgame should be retitled Endtimes. Because that’s what I think the current state of Hollywood might be.

So there’s your swath of negativity for the day. I hope you enjoyed my snark.