Ridiculous Opinions 202
My name is Randall P. Girdner and I play Fortnite.
It’s tough for me to admit that, being a fifty-year old man. I mean, for real, I’m jumping on there and having a high-old time killing and being killed by nine-year olds. For the longest time, I felt shame for this. No one must know about the time I spend playing Fortnite! I must, as they say, keep it in the closet…
But I’m ready to admit it now. I’m ready to acknowledge that this is a fun game and that I enjoy playing it. I’m ready to tell the world that Fortnite has a lot of merit to it and that I am a proud player of this game at the age of fifty.
Fortnite is kind of one of those games that people don’t like to admit that they play, even though they do. In particular, I’m talking about teenagers. Most of my students will mock my playing of Fortnite.
YOU play FORTNITE? they will say, and then they will look at their buddies and laugh.
He plays FORTNITE! they say to each other.
I can’t believe he plays FORTNITE, they say and then they giggle as if they can’t believe a teacher of theirs will play such a baby-game.
They look at me with derision, puffing out their chests and shaking their heads, saying aloud, Nobody plays Fortnite, Mr. G.
But as soon as the initial wide-eyed looks and giggles die down, eventually one of my students will break the ice and say, What’s your username, Mr. G?
So, despite all the mocking and guffaw-production on behalf of my students (mostly boys, mind you…girls are much more open to the concept of playing different types of video games), and though none of my students will outwardly say that they play Fortnite, most of them will, strangely enough, want to know my username.
What’s your username, Mr. G?
“Why do you want to know?” I ask.
I don’t really care, they say. I don’t play Fortnite.
“Of course, you don’t,” I say.
Seriously, though, they say, What’s your username?
“I thought you didn’t play.”
Sometimes, I do. Not a lot, but sometimes.
Yes, dear readers, everyone wants to know my username for Fortnite. In fact, amongst some students, there is a quest to find my username.
Back in 2018, some students managed to find my (now-defunct) username for Fortnite. They inevitably pop-in when I’m waiting for a match to start, or they slot me into playing Duos (two-player) games with them without asking me. One time, I played with two other students. They both had headsets on, but I don’t play video games with headsets, so I don’t understand the whole talking-to-friends-while-you-play thing. I would have loved it when I was a teen. Not so much now.
Anyway, I was playing the game with the two students, but I could hear them while I was playing. Eventually, they kind of forgot that I could hear them and they started having the most mundane conversation that I actually felt a little bit stupider once I’d listened to them. After that, I swore that I would never play Fortnite with students again.
But they still ask me. Constantly. More than anyone realizes.
Sometimes, students will ask me confidentially. Hey, Mr. G… they will say, as if they’re making some kind of drug deal, Tell me your Fortnite username!
I never tell them.
I offered a prize at an assembly one time, where the winner of a contest would receive my Fortnite username, and a non-Fortnite player won the contest, which made the other students furious with rage. For six months afterward, they would bemoan the fact that that student won the right to know my username and that student never asked me for it. He should never have won! they would say in the hallway. He doesn’t understand the value of what he has!
So, yes, I play Fortnite. I’ve been playing it all this week, trying out the new map; advancing up the charts of ranked players; killing nine-year olds, left and right, with ruthless precision; being killed by players with infinitely better aiming skills than me and the ability to build things in a way that makes me think they have super-human attributes when it comes to playing video games.
I like Fortnite because it’s fun. It’s like playing hide-and-go-seek combined with the stupid war games I used to play when I was a nine-year-old. Fortnite is a great waste of time. You should come play alongside me.
My username is…
This week in Maurice the Beaver!
