Ridiculous Opinions #197
9th grade was my triumphant year as a person who "participated" in the game of school. It was also my last year of "participation", which is a story for another day. I wanted to be an AWESOME STUDENT, so I PARTICIPATED in MANY THINGS! My goal was to make it onto as many pages of the yearbook as possible.
I was on quite a few, but I knew I was pushing it when I got on the 4-H officer page without actually knowing anything about farming. (My apologies to farmers everywhere for this sacrilege). The photo above is from the student council page of my 9th grade yearbook. Of course, I'm not posting to humble-brag about how incredibly awesome and good-looking I was...that should be obvious! (I mean, seriously, look at the sweater I was rocking in my "swearing in" photo...and consider the fact that, while wearing the tuxedo on the opposite page, I was also wearing a brand new, white-as-snow pair of Nikes, because I couldn't dance in the dress shoes). But I digress...
This story isn't about all of that. This is the story of the curse of being the student council president. Why? Because the student council president had to say the Lord's Prayer at assemblies. The problem wasn't that I had to speak in front of the school. I was not shy about that at all. The problem was that I DIDN'T KNOW THE LORD'S PRAYER!
I went to church maybe four times in my younger years, and most of those times were with other people. It was always fascinating to go to church because it was so weird and foreign. Churches always creeped me out. Bottom line? I was a proud heathen (still am, much to the chagrin of my mother...Hi, Mom!).
But that didn't help me recite the Lord's Prayer at assemblies. I didn't know it and was too terrified to say to anyone, "Hey, man, you know that Lord's Prayer thing they say at the beginning of assemblies? Do you have the words to that or anything?" (Remember, this was BEFORE THE INTERNETS). Plus, I could only imagine how my reputation as a sinner would spread through the Bible-toting student body. (kidding)
Anyway, I developed a method for getting through this uncomfortableness on my first recitation. Our principal would say, "And now, student council president, Randy Girdner, will lead us through the Lord's Prayer..." I would take the mic, walk to the center of the stage, say, "Please bow your heads..." and then say, very loudly, "OUR FATHER..." And like clockwork, every time, the student body would begin to recite the prayer. My voice would instantly decrease in volume, and I would mumble a few other words and lower the mic. I never had to recite the whole of the prayer. And to this day, I don't think I know all the words.
See you in hell, suckers!
