Halloween
I think I have dressed up as something for a solid 97% of Halloweens, minus the few lost years between the ages of 11–14 or so, when everything else about being alive is painfully embarrassing, can’t even imagine putting on a costume that people could see you in with their actual eyes.
There have been misses (very lackluster King of the Hill during the pandemic) and triumphs (when C. had two broken arms, we went as Patrick and hospitalized Squidward). One year, I tweeted that I went as sexy Richard Dreyfuss (C. was Quint, Harpo, of course, the shark). Ben Dreyfuss, who did not follow me, responded, which made me think Ben Dreyfuss routinely name-searched his dad, which is somehow one of the least weird things he has done on the internet.
We’ve been in our house for three Halloweens, and we get a decent amount of trick-or-treaters, though nowhere near the actual hundreds that would come to my apartment when I lived in JP. There, if we didn’t strictly enforce the one-candy-per-kid rule, we’d run out, like, instantly. Down the block from us now, it’s positively bumpin’ — our neighbors go all out decorating with the stupid inflatables, and someone one year played Hocus Pocus on a screen in their yard — but we’re surrounded by a few Halloween defectors, and our part of the street doesn’t look as fun.
So, we decided that next year, we need to figure out how to lure children to our home. Here’s what we’re milling around. Please let me know if you have other, better ideas:
12-foot Home Depot skeleton (unclear where we will store this; may become year-round skeleton)
Competing screening of Hocus Pocus
Putting up flyers that say BEST CANDY (HAS NERDS) with a picture of our home and address
Getting someone to mill around in the busy part of the block, saying stuff like, “Wow, you haven’t been to [my address] yet? You’re missing out.”
Fake graveyard (spooky) with silly epitaphs (fun)
Being in our front yard instead of being inside
Playing “Monster Mash” on a loop until someone tells us to stop