All the Saddest Love Songs
I had a different thing all ready to go for today, but then I was on the bus listening to my playlist of love songs that is like 40 percent songs about being in love with someone who does not love you back, or about breaking up, actually about drugs, or a thinly veiled song about Jesus, and I was like, oh right, it’s Valentine’s Day.
So, now, instead: A hastily written Valentine’s Day post.
For a long, long time, I felt like love was something you had to win, and it made sense that it should feel bad sometimes. Feeling bad was just on the opposite side of the coin to feeling good. Sometimes it came up tails, and you felt like shit, but what if you tossed it again?
One of the ways this manifested was that the more improbable a relationship was, the more I wanted it. Like love was the big boss at the end of the video game, and I was going to kick its ass and show everyone (but mostly myself) how I had earned it, that I was worthy of it.
I remember, once, in the midst of a terrible and protracted break-up that I was desperate not to happen, I said I would do anything to make it work, and like, I really fucking meant it. I imagined myself on my hands and knees, climbing the biggest, jaggiest, iciest mountain if that’s what it took.
At the time, I thought that this was honorable, romantic even. But now I think it’s just really sad! I would like to say I learned from it immediately and nailed it on the next try, but that is not true. I pursued more impossible, complicated relationships, all the while thinking, this time, maybe.
But the other thing that happened is that I tried harder to see all the ways I was already loved, and after a while, I felt less like I needed to win it. And sometime after that, I met C.
All the sad love songs are still my favorite, but I’m hoping I’ve learned to long for stuff that loved me back. Maybe sometimes it was exciting to ride the biggest wave, always crashing on the shore. But why keep doing that when you can be the whole ocean instead?