He Was a 500yo Boy, She Was Girl. Can I Make It Any More Obvious?
Yes you could and I need you to spell this out for me in great detail.
I’ve been thinking a lot of thoughts™️ about this trope lately, because in the last five or so years, iterations of it have popped up in a lot of very popular fantasy books. It’s also pretty prevalent in contemporary movies wherein the age gaps still large but admittedly not centuries wide. In real life, actress Maggie Gyllenhaal was even told that at thirty-seven she was "too old" to play the love interest to a 55-year-old man. The social scripts around women and ageing are interesting, to say the least.
And while I’m sure some people have discussed it, I’m finding it hard to find long discussions on this topic, and I’ve found that there’s a sort of unwillingness to interrogate the trope in big bookish spaces. After all, “it’s just fiction”, right?
I’m not here to judge or yuck anyone’s yums. I just want to look at the yum. Explore the yum. Peel the yum like the skin of an apple and understand the elements that might inform it, inspire it, and keep it so alive in popular culture.
I’m also not here to work out whether the trope is inherently problematic or not, but if you’re interested in my personal opinion: Generally speaking, I don’t mind age fantastically large age gaps when it’s clear that the relationship is built on mutual respect, and there is no abuse of power, coercion, or other forms of manipulation. This also means that the people in these relationships are able to break it off and walk away without fear of consequences. That being said, when the women are so young and inexperienced, I am wary, and it takes a lot of equalising and “proof” that the two are good for each other for me to get invested.
To begin, I have a lot of questions.
Why is it so often an older man and younger woman, as opposed to the other way around? Why is it most often a heterosexual relationship? Why is the woman often on the cusp of adulthood, between eighteen and twenty-one, and the man older than her by hundreds of years? To what extent is this narrative informed by the very real cultural scripts that teach young girls to seek male validation and to believe that older men liking us is aspirational, even sexy?
Does this popular fictional relationship trope help normalise and endorse the very real-life cultural script of this relationship dynamic? When the most popular and promoted fantasy romance books with this narrative do nothing to address why this narrative might be wrong or harmful, and we factor in the fact that our non-fictional society often also endorses and upholds this script… can we really separate the two?
I have a feeling this essay is going to raise more questions than it answers, so if you have any thoughts, please leave a comment! I’d love to hear from you.
Before I get into the more specific stuff, I want to make it clear that I don’t think books and other media need to be completely morally upright—I think that puts way too much responsibility on the shoulders of creators, though that isn’t to say that we don’t have some responsibility to be mindful in our depictions—after all, fiction is a safe medium through which to explore things we may not actually like or want to experience in real life.
So when it comes to this specific trope or narrative, I’m curious as to why it is romanticised in so much popular media, in such specifically gendered ways, and in ways that mimic dangerous or unhealthy dynamics in reality.
romanticized; romanticizing
transitive verb: to make romantic : treat as idealised or heroic
– Dictionary, Merriam-Webster
A large age gap by human standards, paired with economic and social power, in a patriarchal society, can put the younger women in these relationships in a vulnerable position. By fae standards? Unicorn-shifter standards? Vampire standards? Hoooo boy.
I go into age-gap romances feeling a little wary because there’s an arguably inherent power imbalance to them, and oftentimes the writer doesn’t manage to build an equal and consenting partnership, despite framing the narrative in such a way that says they have, while the character’s actions say otherwise. This is especially scary when writers do interviews in which they wholeheartedly believe they’ve created a healthy and safe romance, because it absolutely speaks to the way these insidious behaviours are minimised and overlooked in real life.
Some of these depictions feel like they’re trying, but fail due to a misunderstanding of what relationship equity can look like. Sure, the young woman may somehow become just as physically powerful as the 500-year-old man named Guy, and he might say her choices are her own, but is she wholly financially and socially dependent on him? Does he actually respect her boundaries? Is he giving her choices when she should just have them?
What if we flipped it? Since these women typically hold less knowledge, experience, economic and social power than the 500-year-old men, would the relationship not be even slightly more equitable if the woman were the elder in the relationship? Does that stir any different feelings? I’ll admit that for me, the feeling I get from that premise isn’t the same.
Are large asymmetries part of what makes the relationship appealing?
I think that in a world that constantly invalidates us, and in which women have a lot to be wary of, the fantasy of a super powerful and competent man falling in love with us can be very appealing. It doesn’t feel too different to the rags-to-riches fantasy, in which I’d also love to meet someone who is comfortable and wealthy enough to support the both of us, so I no longer have to scrimp and scrounge for money to buy medication, food, and other necessities for survival. As someone who struggles in social situations, it’d be nice to have a partner who thrives in them, so I can rest assured that they can take the wheel.
All that to say, I get it. That being said…
What else is appealing about this trope?
There’s no way that I can list each and every reason this trope appeals to so many, but here are a few of my thoughts™ and feelings based on my consumption of popular fantasy media:
An element of fate, which feels magical or larger than life (whether they’re literally “fated mates” or otherwise)
A feeling of being special (he chose me over all the much prettier women/”females”!)
The “I’m not like other girls” vibe (I often see these two tropes working together)
The men are usually described as sexy, attractive, etc. Instant appeal. Would the vibes be the same if he weren’t explicitly labelled “attractive”?
There may be an element of forbidden/taboo romance in it, even if the text doesn’t explicitly play with or acknowledge that.
This trope often does not challenge the status quo belief system in which women are most desirable when they’re young and “untouched”, while men are most desirable when they’re older and “experienced”.
The sympathy-eliciting tragedy of being born so long before your romantic partner (he had to wait so long to find me!)
I'm nineteen years old! I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents. And I'm frightened. So don't you judge me, Lizzy. Don’t you dare judge me! (my position in the world is now secure and comfortable thanks to this man’s interest in me as a romantic partner).
It often offers empowerment… through the illusion of rejecting expected scripts. The woman often has more power than she did without him, but ultimately she’s now benefiting from the systems of power that kept her down and in which he thrives. (Note: since patriarchy harms men too, they’re both suffering—it’s just that he has more privileges, power, etc).
There’s a sort of romantic element to these men living their lives for hundreds of years, often without falling deeply in love, and then suddenly coming completely undone by a young mortal woman who has “nothing special” about her. She’s just like me!
Validation?
I feel like this romance trope often centres on a young woman being seen and validated (at least romantically) for the first time, and that’s desirable. I really like this quote (and many others) from Shelf Love’s ‘The Personal is Problematic’:
“It’s a beautiful fantasy, to have one’s existence validated by others—constantly. It’s not healthy, in real life…but it’s a satisfying fantasy, especially in a world that invalidates us even when we deserve recognition.”
As I said before, there are any number of reasons why it’s appealing and popular, and my intent here is not to get to the bottom of any of it, so I’ll stop at those, and keep asking more questions.
What about this trope appeals to you?
Why are many age-gap romances in fantasy so questionable?
Spoilers for: A Court of Thorns and Roses series (Sarah J. Maas), The Vampire Diaries (the CW show), From Blood and Ash (Jennifer L. Armentrout)
In Sarah J Maas’ A Court of Thorns and Roses series, the main character Feyre, 19, falls in love with a man called Tamlin who is around 500 years old. He is richer than her, more physically powerful than her, knows more than she does in just about every respect, and he is also her prison keeper. Even when she is no longer a prisoner and is on “equal footing” with him, at least in terms of her staying with him being her choice, the power imbalances remain.
In this relationship, Feyre was unable to leave without consequence, and throughout their later relationship, Tamlin abused his power over her or violated her boundaries/consent, especially in the sequel. The mutual respect wasn’t equal; He thought he knew best and she had little choice but to comply with his wishes. I will note that he is vilified for this and it does lead to a breakup, though his questionable behaviours in the first book are far less questioned.
Later on in the series, Feyre falls in love with Rhysand, who is also over 500 years old, richer than her, more physically powerful, knows more than her about almost everything, all of her friends are his friends, and holds a higher position in society than she does. Even when Feyre comes more fully into her powers, and Rhysand teaches her to read and write and how to protect herself against mental intrusion, he also consistently abuses his power over her by not telling her things so she can make fully-informed decisions, and intrudes upon her mind without consent outside of that training. Personally, I’m not entirely sure I believe that Feyre could walk away from him/the relationship with zero consequences, given how he violates her consent multiple times and threatens to kill her sister for telling her that her baby may kill her, a secret Rhysand knew and chose to keep to himself. He is abusing his power and control over Feyre’s reproductive agency, which is reproductive abuse. Lastly, there’s also the matter of how the mating bond is used to explain and or justify a lot of his possessive and territorial behaviours.
In the CW show The Vampire Diaries, 18-to20-something-year-old Elena Gilbert falls in love with 160+ year-old Damon Salvator… and if you’ve seen it, you know it’s not great. He proves a dozen times over the first 4 seasons that when he gets upset, he’s going to go lie in the middle of the road and kill some innocent civilian. He literally kills Elena’s brother when she rejects him, assaults her friend Caroline, and later in the show ends up killing one of her friends, Aaron, because he thought that she had broken up with him. Need I say more?
In Jenniffer L Armentrout’s From Blood and Ash, we see 18-year-old Poppy fall in love with 200+ year-old Hawke. To list a few things that make this relationship questionable (to me): Poppy is relatively naive as she’s been raised in a pretty sheltered existence. Hawke important information from her, leading her to make decisions she may not have made had she been able to give informed consent. He violates her boundaries multiple times, uses physical aggression (pinning her to walls, the ground, etc, most times with forced bodily contact that has him touching her in intimate places), and is highly attracted to/interested in her from the beginning, which all together makes a lot of his advances feel predatory to me.
As I’ve already said, I don’t find age gaps like this to be inherently “problematic” (a non-specific umbrella term), and I’m not beyond liking it! I rag on The Vampire Diaries, but the truth is I re-watch it every now and again, and I do get joy here and there from the age-gap romances.
I have to wonder why the heroes of these romance stories are constantly violating the boundaries, consent, and autonomy of the women they “love”, and why it goes largely unacknowledged, or if it is acknowledged, why the women in these fictional stories are so forgiving.
Why do depictions of this trope so often seem to fall into the trappings of unhealthy dynamics? I’m asking the question ever louder when that not only goes unacknowledged but the relationship is held up as aspirational, ideal, or ‘so romantic’.
Well, it’s fantasy, I hear someone say.
But why is this the fantasy that so many creators choose?
Is looking at this trope in fantasy books through the lens of 21st-century human ethics pointless or futile?
I don’t see how critically thinking about what we consume can be a bad thing. I also think that oftentimes when we take a step back and see that the tropes we love are in fact reflecting our own society’s beliefs back at us (such as heterosexual age gaps only seeming to be socially acceptable when the older partner is a man) it’s hard to separate the “21st-century human ethics” from the “fantasy”. Especially when the intersections and cultural contexts these fantasies are informed by or are playing with are relatable (however indirectly). Nothing is created in a vacuum.
And of course I’m going to think about what their experiences are like through a human lens; I am human, and a lot of the women in these stories are human too! Reading also asks for empathy from the reader—that’s why we get so invested in these characters and their lives.
“When you read fiction, you can be someone you’d never otherwise have the chance to become — another gender, another age, someone of another nationality or another circumstance. You can be an explorer, a scientist, an artist, a young and single mother or an orphaned cabin boy or a soldier. When you take off the guise again — set down the book — you walk away changed. You understood things you didn’t understand before, and that shapes your worldview.”
- The Importance of Reading Fiction by Hannah Frankman, 2017
Novels are just one of the ways in which we come to know the world, even acknowledging that they are works of fiction. Through books, we expand our knowledge, thinking, and opinions on things we’ve never seen, places we’ve never visited, and experiences we have never experienced.
Finally, I ask:
What alternatives can we imagine? What alternatives might challenge the culturally-embedded scripts about ageing and romance fed to us through popular media?
I’m curious to see what writers will do with this trope in the future, if they can create alternate depictions that don’t rely on such rigid gender roles. I’m eager to see more fantasy novels explore the complexities of large age gaps and the ways in which two people who mutually respect each other might acknowledge and bridge the gaps between them in order to find equitable footing within their partnerships. I’m even interested to see relationships that are unhealthy, and or don’t work out.
What do you think?