Hello,
November is a lot. The clocks go back and it's dark by five. There's an election on the 3rd. Then Thanksgiving, with the relative you've been quietly dreading since Labor Day. It's the month everyone gets on your nerves, so that's what this letter is about.
This month's experiment: the other explanation
Once a day, when someone annoys you, come up with one other explanation for what they did. One that isn't "because they're a jerk."
The car that cut you off: maybe someone just called them from the hospital. The coworker who ignored your email: maybe they're drowning. The cousin who said the thing: maybe they're scared about something they haven't told anyone.
You don't have to believe your explanation. You just have to come up with it. The point isn't to let people off the hook. It's to notice how fast your mind writes the worst story, and how sure it is.
Keep score on a sticky note. One tally mark every time you manage it. Next month I'll tell you how I did, honestly, and I'd love to hear how you did.
(This is for everyday annoyances, not for people who are actually harming you. For those, a boundary is the kind thing. More on that: Difficult People and Boundaries.)
Someone worth knowing: Fred Rogers and the ten seconds
In 1997, Fred Rogers got a lifetime achievement award at the Daytime Emmys. A room full of television people in their best clothes, ready for a speech.
Instead, he asked them all to take ten seconds to think of the people who had helped them become who they are. People who cared about them and wanted the best for them. He said he'd watch the time. And the room went quiet. (You can read the whole speech here. The video is worth finding too, for the faces.)
That's it. That's the whole speech, more or less. Ten seconds of remembering that none of us got here on our own.
Hold onto that one. You'll need it on the 26th.
The month you're actually living
November 3: after the vote. The next morning, some people you know will be relieved and some will be crushed. A few of them will be the neighbors with the other yard sign. Try this: pick one person who voted differently from you and remember one specific good thing they've done. A ride to the airport. The soup when you were sick. Not to change your mind about anything. Just to keep them a whole person in your head. If the news is taking over your evenings: News, Politics and Anger.
November 26: Thanksgiving, or any big family dinner. Before you walk in:
On the doorstep, three slow breaths. Feel your feet. You're about to walk into decades of history. Arrive on purpose.
Do Fred's ten seconds. Think of someone who helped you become who you are. There's a decent chance they're inside.
Pick one person to be curious about. Ask them one real question and listen to the whole answer without planning yours.
Have your exit line ready. "I'm going to start on the dishes." Leaving a conversation that's going somewhere bad isn't failing at kindness. Sometimes it is the kindness.
November 1: the ten-million-times day. Lhabab Duchen, one of the four big holy days in Tibetan Buddhism. Teachers say whatever you do that day counts ten million times, good and not so good. Try spending the day asking: would I want this multiplied by ten million?
Also this month: the November 24 full moon closes the Theravada Kathina season, when people bring robes and supplies to monks and nuns, and Loy Krathong in Thailand follows on the 25th. Pure Land temples remember their founder, Shinran, around the 28th.
Heads up: Europe turns its clocks back on October 25 and the US on November 1. For that week, sessions from European centers start an hour later than usual if you're in the US. The Join from Home page always shows your own time zone.
Something to keep
This month's lock screen, for the moment right before you decide someone's a jerk: What's another explanation?
Join from home
A few regular sessions you can join online, from wherever you are:
Sitting and a short talk with Gil Fronsdal, Insight Meditation Center (Insight). Weekday mornings from California, on YouTube.
Morning zazen, Zen Studies Society (Rinzai Zen). Monday to Thursday mornings from New York.
Lunchtime Medicine Buddha practice, Bodhicharya UK (Tibetan, Kagyu). Daily on Zoom.
Online Dharma Hall, Gaia House (Insight). Three times a week from England.
All of them, in your own time zone: Join from Home
From your replies
Next month, this section is yours. Hit reply and tell me how the experiment went: your best tally, your worst miss, the explanation you came up with that surprised you. I'll share a few, without names, only if you say it's okay.
🐾 Henry's corner
Henry is my dog, the little white one walking up the path with me on the home page. Every month he gets the last word.
Henry doesn't know who you voted for and doesn't care. He's mostly interested in whether you dropped any turkey.
May your month be a little kinder than it needed to be,
do dharma
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