This newsletter has mentions of suicidal ideation. Please take care when reading.

Work Notes 

REGISTRATION OPEN : SUNDAY JULY 19 : D A Y  Q U I L T : A 4 hour class to create an improvisational quilt live on zoom (recorded) Payment plans and scholarships available 

SEPTEMBER 11-14 : Quilt Camp returns hosted by Green Door Folk School in Cedar, MI with guest teacher saylem celeste and Ellen Rutt. Sewing machine and all materials provided. Sliding scale pricing and BIPOC scholarships. (Last day to apply for scholarship is today) 

Dear Reader,

I write to you today from a space of hope and a space of self compassion, spaces that I do not often occupy these days. These days of great surrender and astonishment at just how far down the well I can go before it is time to climb out.

Last week I wrote about The Nightmare of PMDD and the evil demon on my shoulder while teaching. What was happening alongside my usual PMDD was starting a new medication with the intention that it would eventually help alleviate the symptoms of said PMDD.

It did everything that could be considered the opposite, including putting me into a dangerous state of suicidal ideation that I have only ever experienced before from a different med adjustment. Every day it would get worse but I just kept pushing through for the promise of Prozac, thinking it would even out or mellow out and I would feel better.

This process felt incredibly lonely, because I was in fact the only one physically experiencing it. It felt confusing to try to tell my girlfriend how I felt, not wanting to worry her too much but also wanting to be honest about the sensations. I started to tell a few friends who shared concern and checked in. Less alone in the aloneness helped me make the decision to stop taking the medication.

I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice, but now that I am off the medication and feeling out of danger I can’t believe how long I stayed on it when the side effects were so bad. If a med makes you want to die, stop taking it. Again, not a doctor but in my current state of hope that I was nowhere near for the last few weeks I can say - it is not worth it. There are other meds, supplements, and actions to take.

I have always hesitated to write publicly about medication, changes in meds, and writing from the unwell. I have questions about what is for the morning pages and what is for thousands of inboxes. I am sure for some people reading along is helpful and for others they will look for the unsubscribe button (it’s always at the bottom). And yet, I find an importance in writing about this experience.

And yet I stay commmitted to writing every Monday, so some newsletters may very well be written from a state of unwellness, of being unmoored, untethered. This is part of the weekly study, to experiment through all moods.

I got a lot of amazing ideas and suggestions for combatting PMDD from my last newsletter and am grateful to be trying some of them out knowing they might work slowly and take a few months. I now know that Prozac, while studied to help PMDD, is not going to be on my team. And that is ok. It’s ok to try something and have it not work.

It doesn’t feel fully out of my system yet, but I felt self compassion emerge today at just how much I have tried for my mental health in the last few years. Meds, supplements, therapy, intuitive healing, money coaching, life coaching, you name it. I have invested a lot of time and money into my wellness, so when I sink below the ship it can feel humbling and scary.

It’s easy to beat myself up and think - why isn’t any of this working? Instead of looking around and seeing all the ways that it has worked. That it is working. My daily gratitude inventory list helps me see where the facts are instead of where my feelings lie to me.

I am practicing being gentle with myself (ugh) as part of my self compassion project. I really prefer to beat myself up until I am a pulp so that I will finish the paper, file the taxes, do the work in some way shape or form. Self punishment as an entry point for finishing.

Not today, today I will be nice to myself. Hi it’s day five of my cycle and I know how to at least attempt this. The last few weeks I thought there was no way I would ever be nice to myself again, hence the dark thoughts of wanting to leave Earth. It feels good to want to stay again, to see this great experiment through.

It all feels like a quilt. Both fragile and beautiful, but made to be used. Made to be thrown around and to keep you warm. Made to me tossed on the dog bed or the back of the couch. Holes emerge that need to be patched. The creation process itself messy and imperfect.

As it often does, my clarity came not just from therapy and coaching and friendship and mentorship but from swimming. From hurling my body into the lake the last two days, cold as the water may be. The air hot enough to not mind the sharpness of the dive. It took everything to drag myself there, requiring other people to drive me and the accountability of friendship and family.

And yet there it was, the big lake. Beckoning me in over and over again. Even when I ignore it for weeks or even months at a time. The lake is always there for me to pop in, hurl my body under, and emerge different.

A state change, the great surrender.

Annie Schuessler-Zam interviewed me for their podast Rebel Therapist even though I am very much not a therapist. I talk openly as all hell about debt and money and solvency.

Need a digital detox for summer? Read 'Your Attention is Sacred Except on Social Media' & this week only: take $10 off with code MONDAY.

Ghosts, god, queerness, illness: Read Two Birds One Stone, a lyrical memoir released as 12 zines over one year as part of a mail club. $5 off - CODY5 

(C)Osmosis x HEALTH: re-imagining Health through the animist lens. A direct experience of HEALTH-substrate. 23-24-25 July | 1–4 pm CET.

Want to work ON your solo biz together? Join the Solo Together Summit, a IRL business summit on Oct. 26 & 27 in Cary, NC. Early Bird ends 8/14

19 Days of August is back: a free anti-hustle creativity challenge with daily oracle cards in your inbox and optional quiet Zooms. 

Summer Design Delight Series will turn your home design dilemmas into delight w/ Habitat Interiors Co. Join NB founder Taylor on 7/10 + 8/14 for free.

Feast of color in Marrakech 🇲🇦 8 days, 10/12–10/19/26. Co-guided by Siham Lahime & Tammi Salas. Only 7 spots remaining! 

Looking for an antidote to the doom and gloom of mainstream news? Journalist Marianne Dhenin covers community organizing. Subscribe with a free month.

EDITING SERVICES: Make your manuscript shine. From developing a theme to fine-tuning punctuation, I’ll strengthen your work while staying true to your vision and voice.

🌳 Before astrology apps, our grandmothers followed the Moon through the trees. Grab this month's free Celtic Lunar Tree Calendar guide.

Stop building alone. The Groundwork: 90 days with 2 OBMs blending systems strategy + EFT for grounded founders. Apply by 7/10 → thegroundwork.club

→ Mutual Aid Request : Help artist Zakariya evacuate Gaza with his 3 kids to study in Vienna

Have a mutual aid request? Email a 150 character blurb to info@codycookparrott.com.
Want to book a classified ad for August? Check it out here

→ info@codycookparrott.com
→ Follow Along on Are.na