Dear reader, 

Me and Katy spent the past weekend in a permaculture design workshop up the road from where we live. I thought it was going to be just a fun weekend of plotting out garden beds and trellis scapes, but what it revealed to me was all the ways I’ve been burnt out by consumerism, debt, and over working. And all the ways I want to commit to healing from it.

Don’t get me wrong, I did have so much fun in the dream space, but sometimes when you let yourself vision without guardrails, new mysteries are uncovered.

I’ve been tending to the spiral of burnout for the last few years, hitting my biggest year in revenue in 2023 and then crashing and making only half as much in 2024, then slowly climbing back up last year through the mud of physical and mental exhaustion, and then back down to a lower earning season now.

The ebbs and flows of being a working teaching artist and writer are not for the faint of heart. In my thirteenth year, everytime I see someone seek more traditional employment I never see it as a failure, but as a source of self protection. As a way to float instead of paddle upstream. As a way to keep it together instead of letting it all fall apart.

We were given the beautiful assignment to map the acreage we steward with no budget in mind, or better yet the dream budget in mind. Not thinking about dollar signs Katy and I drew a pond, a dance deck, a greenhouse, a chicken coop, a yurt and glamping tents for guests, a patio, a hot tub, stone paths, the famous roadside stand, a free library, swaths of goldenrod up the driveway, vegetable and herb raised beds in front of the house, and an epic flower farm in the meadow.

I am truly a novice to gardening and had a lot of basic questions about when to plant things, planning the soil and compost mixture, the timing of it all. I learned so much about companion planting, choosing plants for the birds and the pollinators, and how the hell to get water to the meadow.

In my dreaming I felt a big wave of grief. Perhaps even some entitlement, my least favorite defect of character. Why can’t I have all of this now, why don’t I have enough saved up to start this vision, why did I not do my taxes for seven years and live so far outside of my means to rack up all this debt?

The grief questions surfaced and I started journaling about it. Sitting in the corner of the room just writing it all out, realizing I’d hit a new form of burn out : Letting my debt define me. Letting my debt rule over me. Letting my debt obscure my dreams and visions.

The thing about debt is it isn’t just the money you owe or borrowed, it’s the interest, the fees, it all grows beyond what is manageable and then feels wet, weighted, and heavy.

I think the feelings I was experiencing were remorse and regret, which I don’t often linger upon. I rarely regret the past, even my worst mistakes, because I see where they are a part of the path that brought me where I am today. But the way I have handled money has made me remorseful, sorry for how I mishandled it, spent it, and borrowed it. Regretful of how I have treated myself in the process of both debting and healing that debt.

This has led me to seasons of overworking and underearning just to to squeak by, not thinking about what it was doing to my mental health.

I have my resources and my fellows and my literature but in the moment in class I was glad I just asked the question - What do you do when the vision you made costs tens of thousands of dollars and you currently have no line item in the spending plan to tend to said vision?

The room came pouring in with ideas. Everyone had been working at their own table on their many years long ideas too. Seed swaps and seed libraries, waiting until the end of a plant sale to see what’s left, starting plants from seeds instead of buying starts, bartering for services, and everyone offered to come over to dig the pond together :)

I felt relieved and remembered what is always true, in person connection will be what keeps me alive. It will tether me, keep me rock solid, will help me to stay above water when it feels like it is time to sink.

And to also remember how many free resources there are, services to be bartered and traded for, and ways around capitalism we can weave ourselves.

This is my answer to burn out today, to say it out loud. To tell the people in the room I’m scared, I’m afraid, and I need help. To tell on myself when I want to give up or throw the towel in.

I cancelled some things today, gave myself more space to just be at rest. Not always learning, not always writing, not always facilitating, not always on.

I also cancelled a handful of subscriptions, ones I actually use regularly, to experiment with life without them. I don’t know if I have replacements for them yet but perhaps I won’t need ones. Maybe the silence will be enough. Or I will find a used blu-ray dvd player so we can rent movies from the library. I downloaded Hoopla and Libby again, cutting back costs at every corner to live more freely. More in tune with the visions of the plants.

The purple crocuses have arrived! They are in the side yard and I couldn’t be more grateful. When I saw the first one I knelt down and wept. It’s been a long winter and I am so grateful for the signs of Spring.

I can’t wait to keep dreaming and seeing what emerges, to go steady and slow, to speed up when momentum takes over. To pause when there is too much noise. The ultimate goal always to be of service, which my exhaustion does not serve.

I pray today for the willingness to rest, not so that I may be more productive in my output, but so that I may be more thoughtful in my input.

→ WORKSHOP CLUB : Three Wednesdays in May, open to eight people. Join the waitlist here Bring your writing to the light!

→ Landscapes returns May 5th with co-working for writers and anyone who wants to write every Tuesday and Thursday 11-1EST plus guest workshops with Amelia Hruby, Podge Thomas, Casey Zabala, Selomé Samuel, and more! Join the waitlist here, registration opens May 1

Dear overstimulated, sensual mood readers and writers: find your next magical, romantic, and queer book recs in this free, curated digital archive.

Dream of the 90s: an actual CAST MEMBER from My So-Called Life will be at Catherine LaSota’s free, online writing party on Apr 16. Join us & watch TV clips & journal to themed prompts!

In NYC? Come to Metrosexuals, a monthly drag show hosted by BK’s most charismatic king duo. We've got great style, dirty minds, and fabulous taste – what more could you need for a night out on the town?

Monthly virtual carving and printing workshops that emphasize creative flexibility and play. Check out E’s website for info on upcoming workshops!

Aries New Moon Workshop: start the astro new year with intention. Join me on Zoom for journaling, visualization, mini-readings & more. Free this month!

Want to book a classified ad for May ? Read all about it here. I love reading them just as much as I love sharing them.

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