A lot going on at the moment, Faustketeers, and not much of it good. Everything is Terrible, the world is on fire and your Not-So-Humble Narrator has been besieged by various indignities and misfortunes.

First up, although it breaks my cold, black heart, I will not be able to attend or cover Noir City Seattle this year.

It’s a great lineup, featuring several films I haven’t seen, but I’ve currently got way too much on my plate, both workwise and lifewise. I still plan to play along at home by watching all the films that are available to stream. Like Gilda, the hottest bisexual noir of all time.

One of the major things on my plate is this year’s Left Coast Crime. I’ll be interviewing the guest of honor, my occasional partner in crime Gary Phillips, and talking comics on the graphic novel panel. Full panel schedule is here, but if you miss anything, you can find me at the Queer Crime Writers table. Or, as always, in the bar.

Then there’s this broken nose plot twist. Being a crime writer, I’ve been trying to come up with all kinds of cool, two-fisted stories about how my nose got broken. The truth, on the other hand, is extremely Not Cool.

So if you want to maintain the illusion that I’m cool, sexy, and/or bad ass, you should probably stop reading now. You’ve been warned.

The Not Cool Story starts at the other end of my aging and increasingly unreliable meatsuit. In addition to menopause, silver hair and the rapidly decreasing number of fucks left to give, one of the big milestones of later middle age is the dreaded colonoscopy. As a strap-wielding Top and hardcore pegging enthusiast, I’ve spent my whole adult life on the other end of the anal equation. But cancer doesn’t care about your sexual preferences and preventative screening is important, so that’s how I found myself prepping for a knock on the back door.

If you’ve been through it, you know how grueling and awful colonoscopy prep can be. Not only was I banned from enjoying my favorite foods (fruits and nuts!) there’s also the part where I had to guzzle that fifty gallon drum of utterly vile prep solution. Adult performers who bottom on camera are fucking superheroes, and we should all take a moment to tip them extravagantly and thank them for their service.

Anyway, there I was, on my last day of prep. Clear liquids only and the aforementioned jug of vile solution. I’ve posted about this before, but if you missed it let me remind you that I suffer from a chronic inner ear disorder called Ménière's Disease. Just like Huey Lewis! It causes hearing loss and vertigo and (for me at least) is often triggered by salty food or other things with a high sodium content. Like, for example, that vile fucking prep drink. Now I do understand that electrolytes (what plants crave!) are important when you’re deliberately exposing yourself to potential dehydration, but it’s still a form of salt. Which I knew was going to be a problem for me, but I was trying to be a tough guy and just muscle my way through it. After all, how bad could it be?

Spoiler: Very bad.

At about midnight on that last leg of the prep, I got hit with a severe vertigo attack. I figured it would happen at some point, but it turned out to be way worse than I thought.

I fall a lot due to this stupid ear thing and I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the years. Even at my worst, I’m usually able to instinctively turn my body so I fall safely. Not this time.

This time I fully face-planted on the bathroom tile and smashed the shit out of my nose. Remember that thing about me being sexy and cool? You can forget all that shit, because this is what I looked like after that nasty little tumble.

Very Not Sexy. In fact, I looked and felt like punch-drunk boxer Gunboat Johnson from The Set Up after his fight.

It’s not quite so hideous after a fun night in the ER, a ton of ice and fistfuls of anti-inflammatories, but still pretty lumpy and unlovely. I’ll be visiting my ENT next week to make sure I’m not permanently fucked up or bleeding into my brain or anything. Good times!

Time to go lie down with an ice pack on my fucked up face and watch some movies. See you in (virtual) Noir City!