September 17, 2026

Hello, these are my updates.

I've been trying to write a post since June 15th and no matter what shape this thing is in it's getting sent out TONIGHT.

I'm currently listening to Tee Noir's The Camera Cums First (the lesbian club as a surveillance state) and I just gotta accept that the newsletter that exists in the world is better than the one I've been making in my head for the past three months. And school starts Monday so who knows when I'll get back to this so here we go. 1 I do remember liking this video because lesbians and the surveillance state are two things I love but since I haven't been a club/outside person since before lockdown, it's a little less relevant to me but very relevant still to my communities.

Okay, I'm seeing a lot of links down here. What the heck have I been talking about. Let me see if I can organize this in any type of fashion.

personal updates:

• i have started school. i think it's my senior year. i do not recommend this.
• after nearly a year, i've finally gotten two of my classes counted for and now my transcripts accurately reflect that i've actually been in class and doing work. the reason this has been held up? my name. if you ever need someone to dissuade you from changing your name, enter the school system as a student.
• i've finally got an answer for a pain that has wreaked havoc on my life for twenty years! why didn't they give me this answer fifteen years ago when i had the same procedure done? were they just not paying attention or is the medical racism more insidious than even i would like to believe? stay tuned for more at six.2
• i regret to inform you that not looking at your phone for the first thirty minutes after you wake up is actually really good for you and i feel a lot better.
• my asthmatic, mask-wearing self got a bike trainer which has improved my quality of life SO MUCH. i loved riding my bike as a kid but due to safety concerns (ya know, being black, fat, asthmatic, and not super sane and then later, everyone pretending covid is over), i stopped. this lets me do something i love and feel safe doing it. i suspect these types of things make life feel worth living. i will report back.

things i've found interesting and think you'll find interesting too3:

• NASA Picture A Day in CLI: space but in the command line

Reading/Writing

• A Case For Trans Joy by Jin of Amplifying Trans Joy and KB Brookins of Trans News That Doesn't Suck!: a good read, a good reminder.

"All is not lost; to think so is to maintain the status quo.

is something i have to return to often. maybe i should put this on a little poster or something where i can see it everyday

• Be Gay, Do Comics by The Nib: learned a bit and just had an overall good time with it

• Burning Butch by R/B Mertz: kicked my ass (apparently religious trauma and queerness is a theme this newsletter) and im glad i read it

• I want a better catastrophe by Andrew Boyd: love me a flowchart and love this about climate catastrophe not being inevitable but also we have a lot of work to do
• Lucky Day by Chuck Tingle: started reading this at like 1am4 and was completely terrified during the first chapter and for some reason instead of letting that drive me off, i said, okay if i can make it through the first chapter i'll probably survive it and you will never guess what happened: i was introduced to a layer of cosmic horror that will probably haunt me for years to come. really good book, but if you are the type of obsessive that is comforted by low probability in order to stave off your obsessions, i would not super recommend this for you.
• Manifesto by nora: about having your own website and one of the reasons i am determined to get this post out today. i need to have my own lil space! i need to maintain that space so i enjoy visiting it! exclamation points!!
• Trans Survivors Zine: Issue #6: **Braided Selves – Race & Culture from FORGE you can read previous zines here
• We Were Singing by Robert Laidler: content warning for abuse, but i really like this poem
• Why Writing Feels So Hard (and How to Make it Easier) by April Dávila: been chewing on this and i like it because people are often like, "why is this so hard, it's not that deep" and this essay reminds us it actually is that deep and fear is necessary when jumping into the depths and hoping to survive it and whatnot

Movies and Television

• 100 Horror Movies in 92 Days: im doing this challenge by sarah stubbs and out of the 33 i've watched so far my favorites are:

  - the devil's mouth: recommend watching with friends who also enjoy shark movies. great time and great way to start the challenge - colony: HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS MOVIE absolutely terrifying concept and the last scene HAUNTS me - borderline: i liked this a lot more than i expected and i'm pretty sure it has to do with jimmie fails kinda stealing the show for me though ray nicholson is a little too good at this role. wait how could i forget i loved eric dane in this. actually this was just a good time you should go watch. - leviticus: i knew from the little description that this is me-coded and BUDDY I LOVE BEING RIGHT. girl that's scary and people under the scares did an episode on it and describe it as conversion therapy meets it follows and they are correct and MAN i love this movie. sadly the queer flavored religious trauma trough is never ending and i will snuffle my nose deeper and deeper regardless of whether i am getting enough oxygen - strange darling: i knew how this movie was going to go and it STILL was great man i love this - cure: i'd been lowkey avoiding it because j-horror is NOT where i am supposed to be, but i watched this at 2am and really enjoyed it - unsane: a woman who says outlandish shit is happening but isn't believed even though we, the viewer, know she's right? i'm ignoring the psychological reasoning behind why that's one of my obsessions but this was good! they got a little lost at the end but i love that this is not a likable character and that that doesn't mean she deserves this anyway! - like.share.follow.: listen. i have WORDS about how this black man being stalked by a white woman to the point of violence is reflective of quite a bit of american history/etc. but suffice to say i LOVED this a lot and ive been thinking about the ending for days - coherence: a person i went on a date with like a decade ago recommended this and i finally sat down and watched it and yeah this fucks. science fiction ass shit that makes my head hurt and even though the ending might be predictable (i mean.... i didn't predict it) it's still satisfying as shit

  night of the reaper had one kill that absolutely shocked the fuck out of me and my friends and i'd recommend it off that alone. i enjoyed a tale of two sisters! otherwise, match can go straight to hell5 and the shrouds should actually pay me for the damages it caused me6. the other ones were either okay or terrible but i'm ready to move on to another paragraph so.

• Is God Is: i am YELLING this movie it's for me! it's for me!!!! even though i am actively fighting patterns due to religious trauma to even watch it. i think the movie is really effective because for a split second, i believed all the women had gotten it wrong, that maybe it was an accident. and i hate to say that, but it's true and evidence (to me) of strong ass writing and direction and really reflective of believing black women and girls in the community. really love this and janelle monae's character got what she deserved because why the FUCK would you spit like that ew.

• Jennifer's Body 2: i need you to understand that jennifer's body is actually a big part of my dna and how i move through this world and this news has done more for my decision to keep living than i want to admit

• ListenToAMovie: this sustained my joy for two weeks straight. i used to fall asleep to television/movies (like we all have, probably, but stay with me here) but i always wished that i could do that without the unforgivable sun-like radiating beam of light the television emits. and here. HERE WE GO. it has one of my favorites to fall asleep to (coraline) and now i can do my self-soothing routine of repeating a whole movie to myself til i calm down.

• Obsession: i know i watched this five times before july and i will STILL watch it at least five more times before november. i love this movie. nikki, i am coming to beat everyone up for you in every timeline.

• Sinners Movie Syllabus by Jemar Tisby & Keisha N. Blain: movie continually slaps, knowledge is necessary and whatnot.

• The Drama: this movie stressed me out so much because 1) second-hand embarrassment mounting into full anxiety and 2) OH MY GOSH Y'ALL HATE BLACK GIRLS AND BLACK WOMEN SO BAD. i already knew point number two but having a movie where a black girl planned to do some terrible shit superceding white boys and girls who ACTIVELY did terrible shit is so on point i want to scream. and it took TOO MUCH TIME before anyone even asked her why! truly one of the lessons of this movie is do not trust white women in particular (white men too but usually that's a given, i'm talking about the insidiousness of "comradery" between white women and black women). zendaya and robert did an amazing job, i will fight the world for emma, and i didn't know there could be a movie where i actually hate robert.

• Unity: is a feature length indie film about a person with dissociative identity disorder navigating being stalked. a recommendation through a social media and i'm glad i watched it. i don't super have thoughts beyond that because it can be pretty triggering if you're a child abuse survivor but i wanna mention it because i'm on the lookout for more media about dissociation and stuff.

Games8

• Hamayumishi: Night Parade of a Hundred Yokai: renkon and daikon of nice gear games/indie tsukin have dropped Hamayumishi, a side-scrolling twin-stick shooting game that looks so cool! this is what i think of when i think of Gamers and i am DETERMINED to get into this
• Spiritfarer: Farewell Edition: PizzaYeti wrote this essay on games and grief and when they started talking about spiritfarer my eyes got all watery? the thing is, i've had this game for a long time and just never played it9 but i think someone on Intelligame mentioned it and that's usually enough to convince me to play it (see: will i ever slay the spire). i think i played the week after i did a 40-hour trauma training (lol) and for a while, my girlfriend definitely got me just sobbing at characters as my main form of communication. i can still feel how watery my throat felt and how heavy my gut and you should probably play this.
• Our Wonderland: this is a game i played i think either late last year or early this year and i was gobsmacked at how much story it is and it's FREE? it also makes me want to make my own visual novel because how did they DO this and also its a queer horror story that uses time loops and the fact that i love it so deep despite that (time loops give me so much anxiety AND you're making me make my own choices? why would you do that.) means you should play it. maybe. if you're not against gore and extremely questionable choices and morally grey (this is being generous) characters.
• Laugh Track: i played because there was a snippet from ChoiceBeat Magazine where they were like some people don't like works that are so obvious/aggressive adjacent about their political views and that got me, to be honest. i can see people feeling like this is too preachy/on-the-nose but i'm tired of people tiptoeing around fascism as if that's going to solve it and i'm glad there's at least one game i can play that doesn't pretend like fascism is a new thing just because white people are experiencing it. i have over 100 screenshots from this game and i'm still excited to go back and play soon
• The Shadow Over Cyberspace: i'm one of those people who, if i like an author, i'm gonna read the entire collection10 if i can and i find comfort in them potentially talking about the same obsessions in slightly different flavors. this is more of a cosmic horror type game (also free), and it features: old school websites and chat, gods who do not want to be gods and gods that do, and the possibility of hating reagan11. i love that i can see how this, the arcade spirits series, and laugh track are related and it makes me really excited for more of fiction factory games' work!
• Disco Elysium: after just accepting that i will never finish this game, i'm having fun playing this game! i'd been hesitant to get back into it because i just don't remember what the heck is going on but after a few round abouts, im mostly caught up and i just really enjoy the atmosphere and the knowledge that i have barely scratched the surface of this story. the theory can sometimes go over my head because theories in general feel so extra to me12 but ive been seeing fanart on various timelines and that's reminded me to go in with curiosity about the characters and that helps
• Ultrapool: mint recommended this game and it's had a hold on me for weeks13. the sound effects, the line up of shots that make me feel like i paid attention in geometry, the hold music, my obsession with getting the cute looking balls and mixing them into monsters that would make frankenstein blush--i love this game. im not winning but i love it

A Quick Word From My Special Interest:

i do victim advocacy or am trying to and one of the things i like learning about is how to center victims, not perpetrators, when it comes to covering their stories. victims of crime does a good job of this and gets me thinking more about it. i think it's good to have this in the back of your mind, especially if you love true crime. it's more realistic to add these thoughts than to destroy the true crime market, you know?

• Media Ethics from Victims of Crime
• Media Crime Victim Guide
• Parallel Justice: victim centered podcast from victims of crime

also look at Olivia Miles get blocked by Awa Fam and immediately give her a high five because it was a good block! I love the WNBA so much14

i forget that since this is my blog i can say what i want. PLEASE PUT ON A MASK. MASKS ARE COOL. MASKS ARE ANTI-FASCIST. YOU LOOK SO GOOD IN A MASK. PLEASE WEAR A MASK.

• Reasons To Wear A Mask
• The Wildfires Will Only Get Worse — and Queer People Are on the Front Lines | Them by Quispe López
• "We Cannot Abandon Cuba" by Angel Marie in Scalawag Magazine

Reference and Miscellaneous

• Death Sucks Resource PDF: pdf of resources and advice to deal with death
• Free Resources from Library Freedom Project: Posters, bookmarks, presentations, and more resources to help with teaching and promoting information democracy, privacy, and intellectual freedom. All resources are licensed CC-BY-NC (NC in an attempt to avoid AI slop).
• How to disable or avoid intrusive AI
• How to Spot AI Hallucinations Like a Reference Librarian By Hana Lee Goldin
• Riot Medicine: Free manuals for practicing insurrectionary medicine
• United States Disappeared Tracker Map
• Urine Color Chart: i never know if i'm dehydrated or whatever and color charts can be helpful
• What Words We Use — and Avoid — When Covering People and Incarceration by The Marshall Project

Odds & Ends

fam, i'm so tired.

Destroy the systems that seek to destroy you!

What Ella Enchanted Says About Consent

i'm actually gonna watch again but i remember this floating around in my brain for a good week after watching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ax7YPEFIO1U&list=LL&index=57

Notes

1 Okay so this must've been around end of August because it's definitely been weeks of school by now. ↩

2 do not stay tuned ↩

3 there is no guarantee that you will find this interesting ↩

4 as i usually find new books in libby between 1am-3am to ward off the Terrors ↩

5 im not hyped about incest at the best of time but Jesus what the fuck was that they really spent film and time and brainpower and existence on this earth to film that scene ↩

6 you look at that poster and tell me i shouldn't have gotten an alien or at the very least a weird bug out of this movie! ↩

7 i know i've said this about pretty much all these movies, and i still mean it, this is my post i can say what i want. ↩

8 although everything else is alphabetized im gonna have to go in order of how ive played/am playing the games for it to make personal sense so. ↩

9 which of course means littleish because look at my backlog but i didn't really try to play games til maybe a decade ago. was it a decade? time is weird. maybe it was five years. when did night in the woods come out. but also life is strange even though i gave up on it. anyways. ↩

10 an emilay austin work HATES to see me coming ↩

11 which i consider a necessity to healthy living ↩

12 i want everyone to be free and for systems of oppression to be eradicated and replaced with communities of care. what theory is that and why do i have to name it? also im not naming shit like that on this internet lmao ↩

13 ? i'm not sure about time but you get it ↩

14 except for the Indiana Fever and other transphobes and racists, obviously ↩