Your Junk Drawer
Balter’s Essays of Mostly Acerbic Witticisms
Do you have a need for forty-three mismatched pens?
Or keys of unknown origins, to unlatch non-existent locks?
Nah. Me neither. But that doesn't stop us from jamming them in a junk drawer in our kitchen, now does it?
Know what? This seems as good a time as any to organize that squirrelly rats nest of a heap of disreputable clutter. What say we do it together?
Go ahead, I'll wait a minute while you open yours. This is a task best done in pairs. Support systems and all that.
Ok, let's get to organizing.
First thing, please begin with a few deep breaths.
In out, in out, in out, in out
See the drawer.
Be the drawer.
Go ahead and find your chakras, and ensure you're pleasantly centered.
Now, gaze deeply into the junk drawer depths, what do you see? Keys, yes. Pens, sure. But also, a variety of knick knacks and hob nobs: dull-ish scissors (two pairs, one shorter, one with a broken tip), coins from a trip to Europe mixed half-crumpled stamps of astronauts and Louie Armstrong blowing a trumpet; cords to an iphone that you no longer have, paper clips you'll never use, a tv remote that turns on a fan, a stale gumball (in case you get hungry), three filthy air fresheners, that lighter you bought from an insta ad, unnecessarily two-sided scotch tape, a...
What's that? You ok? Hey, hang in there, we're just getting started.
Ok, here's what's easiest, we're going to Marie Kondo this shiznit. Go ahead, take out that gumball. Hold it in your hand, gaze at it. Does it, make you feel happy? Does it fill you with f'cking joy? Right? Ok, go ahead, you can toss it out.
<bites gumball. cracks molar. kicks dog>
Ok, let's try another tact. Let's just organize so that you can find whatever it is you need when you wonder, "hey, does anyone know where the [thingy] is?
Start here: take everything out of the junk drawer and create piles. You can organize by type (keys go with keys) or by hue (all reds over here) or by shape (oblong diagonal hexatrapezoids go here); whatever suits your total fancy.
Ok, now create a grid on the floor. How? What do you mean how?
Go get some popsicle sticks and some dental floss (waxed & minted ok). Now create a 10 x 10 grid on the kitchen floor (precisely, with the toy tape measure - and use chewing gum to stand the popsicle sticks upright, then horsetie the dental floss around them). If you did it right, it should look like the markings of a crime scene - or remind you of the pattern your skin doctor uses to check for moles.
Now place each set of items in its own space in the grid. Yep, that's good. (And, no I don't know why you have eighteen different colored marbles in a mesh sack).
Now that everything is neatly arranged and the junk drawer is empty, go ahead and get some baby wipes and give that drawer a good scrubbing. Yes, get the crumbs (from that char you removed from your toast and swept into the drawer 2 years ago) and the legs of some long-decayed insects (attracted by the bug-be-gone spray you stashed), and some sticky stuff of unknown origin (it was yogurt once, you think).
Cleaning is fun, isn't it?
Ok, now - carefully, very carefully - go back to your grid and take a close look at what you have there. Create an inventory.
We're now going to attempt some math, so please pay attention.
For anything that has more than 3 items, just throw out 1/14th of them. Now every 6th square, I want you to light all of the items on fire (it's a gift to the gods). That's right. What? You already threw out all of the working lighters? Ok, ok, well at least you're good at following rules.
Now, you're probably feeling frustrated so - may I suggest - just go ahead and take your heel and stomp down on any set of items you'd like.
Anything that hasn't been burned or isn't smashed, well, that's what you should keep!
Well done.
Now, I'd recommend you scoop all that up with a bucket, and shake it like you're making James Bond a martini - then go ahead and just dump the whole shebang into your junk drawer because it will never, ever be organized, so you might as well get started messing it up right about now.