The first thing you should know about taking pictures is that you should always add a little tremor to your wrist when snapping.

Gives it color and motion. Double whammy.

(No, no, don’t shake it. Just like a mini jump scare.)

Blur is art, but you already knew that.

Before everyone got all digital, a high schooler might have been offered a class in darkroom printing. Kids were given 35mm manual SLRs and told to find things to photograph in nature. So they’d snap close-ups of each other’s pimples. They’d leave reams of photosensitive paper near an open window, switch the developer tray with the stop bath - and put the fixer in the teacher’s water bottle.

Once developed, they’d announce they found a volcano in the woods, win an award, and visit their teacher in the hospital.

I look forward to your holiday cards every year, knowing this is how your family looks in real life.

How did you get so perfect, and how does everyone get along so splendidly? I love your matching sets from Tommy Hilfiger.

And your babies are so cute, the cutest, cuter than everyone else’s who are ugly as sin and frankly look like someone dropped hot butter on their heads before slamming them with a frying pan.

What of candid photographs, you ask? Easy, that just means spontaneous, so there’s no harm in asking, “Hey, can I take your picture?” Then you should grab their underarms and pose them like a mannequin, stand back and say, “cheeeeeeeese” (everyone loves that part).

Then say, wait, one more. Then one more again. And then you need one horizontally, and forgot to adjust the f-stop, and if only they could raise their double chin it would seem really candid.

If you’re a concert photographer, you know it’s not the size of your lens but how you use it. That’s why you always stand right in front of me, crouching with two inches of kindness.

Anyway, I’m here to ask you what everyone wants to know: “What do you really have in that diaper bag you’re carrying by your side?” I don’t see your kid around here anywhere. Weird.

Selfies are something one should do in the privacy of their own home. It’s not wrong, and you won’t grow hair on your palms if you do.

Almost everyone experiments with selfies at some point. Some people use a selfie stick, but I find that entirely unnecessary.

Once I took a picture of a horse. Check it out. No, no, wait, it’ll only take a second, let me scroll a bit. Seriously, it won’t take long. I swear it’s worth it, look I almost have it, I like to sort by color and then season which makes it so much easier for me to find things.

Where you going? Hold on.

C’mon, it’s a blue picture in autumn.

No no, that isn’t a picture of someone’s genitals, and no most certainly they aren’t mine.

Yeesh. I don’t know what that is. Maybe a pickle that fell into some moss?

I once modeled; I hate to tell you that because it feels like bragging. That’s right, I’m not sure why you seem surprised, hook noses are in. Anyway, I didn’t mind paying the photographer for the Polaroids up front, and then later Walgreens to have them developed.

I sell them 8 for $1, plus postage. I’ll send you one, just tell me where you want to hang it on your wall so I can size it right.

I like filters on my photographs because I’m an artist, damnit.

Do I use AI? What kind of question is that, everything on social media is exactly as it happened in real life. Because real life always has filters, but you already knew that.