Celebrity Cheat Codes
Balter’s Essays of Mostly Acerbic Witticisms
Do you think when Jeff Bezos has a credit card dispute, he jangles the 800#?
Do you think he presses 1 then #, then confirms, ‘English’; then listens impatiently to too many options, and eventually mutters “operator" into the phone?
I'd imagine Jeff might have an assistant contact his mortgage provider to understand a late fee; do you think they 'understand it's Mr. Bezos, but he'll still need to verbally confirm he's the primary borrower'?
Do you think Jeffy might be step out of a product meeting for a small $9b office supply division for Amazon, just to say the last 4 digits of his social and confirm his birthdate?
You can be pretty sure Beyoncé paces back and forth while she's on hold for Comcast Customer Service. And then says 'one sec' when asked if she's tried unplugging and replugging in the router, or maybe could try logging into her laptop again.
Do you think she ever seethes, "f√cking Comcast" and then throws a dishrag in the sink to emphasize her frustration?
It would seem to me that Zendaya probably gets the occasional email that says The OTP to Reset Your Password is 371159, but has no idea what it's all about.
Does Jamie Dimon ever call into JetBlue's dedicated Mosaic line, and ask them to setup a family plan for points, so that his wife and kids are optimizing their travel bank?
Does he furiously look up his Mosaic #, which he saved in-a-place-he-should-never-forget but always does; do you think he asks the JetBlue rep how her day is going?
I bet Megan Thee Stallion sometimes has to wait at home because her induction stovetop got cracked and her house manager called in sick. I'd like to believe she opens her front door and says, "come on in, the kitchen is right over there" and then taps her reverse stiletto nails on the counter, and makes quality smalltalk about the weather.
Do you think Banksy's aerosol vendor ever calls to ask if he had sent a text about needing some Bitcoin or maybe sending an Amex giftcard? Do you think they get a kick of messing around with the scammer?
I'm pretty sure Mr. Beast personally texts his barber to ask if they can move his time to later that afternoon, because the guy he has living alone in a supermarket for $10,000 a day made it twelve days longer than he thought possible.
And, yeah, to wit, I wonder where to find all the special cheat codes for all the special people.
Because if there isn't one, I'm gonna assume there are some days Elon Musk gets locked out of his X account, because he needs to update his two-factor authorization or his password, but for some reason he just never gets the confirmation email and hits refresh over and over and over and over and over.
And over.