there are no good songs called "invisible"
^The hill I’ve decided to die on this week.
I mean, can you think of any? No? Exactly.
Actually, I’d like to argue that it’s impossible to compose a good song called “Invisible.” Not only has there never been a good “Invisible”; there will never one. I tried to write my own and got exactly two measures in before giving up because it sucked. I think the root issue here is the nature of invisibility. No one is literally invisible, (THAT WE KNOW OF) so they have to sing about feeling invisible, and that just rings hollow from people with hundreds of millions of streams on Spotify.
Before we get underway, only songs literally titled “Invisible” are eligible to prove me wrong. “Invisible Touch” by Genesis and “The Invisible Man” by Queen do not qualify. Because they’d succeed.
Our contestants:
INVISIBLE BY ANNA CLENDENING
Anna Clendening is in love with someone who doesn’t know she exists. This is the most common “Invisible” theme, and Clendening’s execution is far from the best, relatively speaking. Like, I know I said there aren’t any good “Invisible”s, but there is a spectrum of badness.
INVISIBLE BY HUNTER HAYES
The second most common “Invisible” theme is Upstanding Young Man Reassures Listener They Are Not Invisible. This is my least favorite variant. Like, I’ll be the judge of that, thank you very much. Hayes at least has the decency to admit he too felt invisible once, which I prefer to the variations where the Upstanding Young Men are omniscient. We’ll get to those.
INVISIBLE BY ZARA LARSSON
Guys, I fucking hate music. What is this? No. Shut up.
INVISIBLE BY JONAS BROTHERS
It’s those omniscient Upstanding Young Men, here to reassure me that I’m not invisible! I do love the Jonas Brothers, but their TV show had like, three good songs, and unsurprisingly, “Invisible” is not one of them.
INVISIBLE BY SKYLAR GREY
I like the guitar?
INVISIBLE BY 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER
For once, the Upstanding Young Men are the invisible ones. I wish the thematic subversion and overwrought strings section were enough to make me like this but… I didn’t miss much by not being a 5SOS kid, did I?
INVISIBLE BY LINKIN PARK
I will vouch for most Linkin Park songs, but not this one.
INVISIBLE BY DURAN DURAN
You will not find a bigger new wave fan than me, but I’ve just never loved Duran Duran. The radio in my college dining hall was perpetually tuned to K-Earth 101, and I do believe they played “Rio” at least thrice a day, often coinciding with mealtimes. “Invisible” is better than “Rio”, in that it gets stuck in my head far less often, but it’s still not great.
INVISIBLE BY BIG TIME RUSH
Proof that not only are there no good songs called “Invisible”, but that there are no good songs about when the lights go down in the city.
INVISIBLE BY TAYLOR SWIFT
Taylor Swift released a pretty good song in 2020 called “Invisible String”, which is ineligible for consideration due to that pesky string. In 2006, she released a mediocre song that anyone could’ve written simply called “Invisible”, and I listened to it ninety times a day for the duration of my unfortunate crush on The Only Boy I Knew Who Wasn’t An Asshole. My favorite thing about this song is the way she’s borderline taunting the guy about how his own crush will NEVER EVER EVER love him. Like, ever. Some of Taylor Swift’s old stuff is charmingly bad, because we know what she’s capable of now, but you’re probably better off with any other song from her first album. The bridge in particular is way too high for her. It also was for me, in the interest of fairness.
INVISIBLE BY U2
U2 has released two charity singles for AIDS research. The first was “One” from Achtung Baby, and the second was “Invisible”. And of the pair, I think one of them is a lot better than the other. “Invisible” isn’t necessarily bad, it just doesn’t quite cross the good threshold. I don’t think they brought their A game, you know? And I don’t love the synth. The acoustic version from this year is way better than the original, I will give it that. Maybe a third take would be enough to put it over… the edge (crowd boos).
INVISIBLE BY CLAY AIKEN
This one was supposed to break the mold. Instrumentally, it’s the best kind of mid-’00s adult alternative garbage ballad, the kind I’d affectionately place on a dusty shelf in my heart between The Fray and The Script. More importantly, it’s prime Sad F Major, a technique none of these other “Invisible”s considered. But then! Then Aiken sings. He sounds fine — like, he placed second on American Idol for a reason — but the lyrics that he sounds fine singing are. Jesus Christ.
Sorry????
WHAT ARE YOU DOING CLAY AIKEN. In just two lines, I have lost all sympathy for the narrator. An astoundingly incriminating admission from a guy who would “be the smartest man if [he] was invisible…”
OH! OKAY!!!! SO HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THAT THE WHOLE TIME??????
Unlike, U2’s, Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” did cross my personal good threshold, but then shrugged and turned around. I admire the defiance. And like, maybe it’s just the nonstop exposure to worse “Invisible”s I’ve just put myself through, but I actually kind of love this dumpster fire. It has a gigantic, screamable chorus and some really choice bass drum hits. The incongruity of a nonthreatening American Idol boy like Claiken singing about stalking and coercion with his theater kid voice makes the whole thing so unconvincing that I can’t actually get that upset about it anymore.
CONCLUSION
Everyone sucks here. But this is just a sampling of “Invisible”s I either already knew, or found easily when searching the title. Theoretically, there could be an exception. If you have a good “Invisible,” PLEASE send it to me. I love to be wrong. And if you are Clay Aiken, please do not watch me in my room! I know we aren’t each other’s type, but I feel like I should say this anyway because the song is so scary! Don’t do it!