the review
HELLO
It’s me, Your Jonas Brothers Friend. Some background for the uninitiated: I cannot be neutral about these fucking guys. During their prime, I hated them; when they returned from hiatus, I had a manic episode, retroactively decided they’d always been good, ranked their whole catalog, and pitched it to several music publications. Nobody wanted it, which is so fair. But now I’m like, soul-bonded to the work of the Brothers Jonas. Somebody break the curse, please. I don’t care about this album. This Album. They named it The Album. In the very same spring that boygenius released The Record. And now both groups are going on separate The Tours. I hate it here. Remember when albums used to be named things like When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king/What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight/And he'll win the whole thing 'fore he enters the ring/There's no body to batter when your mind is your might/So when you go solo, you hold your own hand/And remember that depth is the greatest of heights/And if you know where you stand, then you know where to land/And if you fall it won't matter, cuz you'll know that you're right and More Songs About Buildings and Food?
PRELIMINARY THOUGHTS
The whole affair is a collaborative effort with Jon Bellion. I don’t really like Jon Bellion. I’m sorry! I didn’t like Overwhelming, I didn’t like Guillotine, I really didn’t like All Time Low — like, how dare he even invoke their name? How dare the Jonas Brothers invoke ABBA’s, for that matter? Disgusting. What the fuck happened to John Taylor?
Anyway, so far there have been two singles and one “Walls”, which they abruptly launched at me on SNL circa 1:00 in the morning. I still don’t know what to do with “Walls”. I hope it plays better as an album closer. God, it’s so annoying that I can never decide when to refer to it as the album and when to actually namedrop The Album. The other singles are “Wings”, which I don’t like, and “Waffle House”, which I do. Begrudgingly. Everything about this endeavor is begrudging.
OKAY, LET’S LISTEN TO THE FUCKING THING
The first word of The Album is “JERSEYYYYYY”, which means that as a New Yorker, I am at odds with it by nature. I should describe this song. It’s called “Miracle”, and it is not my favorite “Miracle.” Joe Jonas sounds good. You can probably infer this going forward. If he manages to sound bad, I’ll let you know. Likewise, you can just assume that Nick Jonas sounds… like Nick Jonas. “Miracle” fades out very awkwardly. It barely crosses the two-minute mark. All right.
“Montana Sky” is (I think) about wanting to live in Montana, because Montana is awesome. I’ve never been, but I agree. Even The Miseducation of Cameron Post couldn’t convince me otherwise. Sonically, this song is really boring. Pleasant, but boring. I think Montana deserves better. They should’ve written “Australia” about Montana.
“Wings” time! I might not hate this, actually. It has a fun bassline. Also ends abruptly, but unlike “Miracle” does not exceed two minutes. Good. I love short things.
Next up is “Sail Away”. It is not the best song about sailing away. Or the second best. Joe does a really long note, as he should.
“Americana” opens with a discount “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” riff. I see you. Not feeling the vocals on this one! Anyone could’ve done them. Actually, I kind of wonder if anyone did. This song is two minutes exactly. Are these all just like, demos?
“Celebrate!” (exclamation point theirs) is good! I like it! They’re celebrating “[making] it through.” I don’t know what they’ve made it through recently. Me lightly dunking on one of the songs from their TV show, I guess.
Oh thank god, “Waffle House” is here. Product placement be damned, I liked this one from the jump. Especially when the only lyrics I had memorized were “Waffle House” and “kill each other.” Are all these songs short to make up for “Walls” being nine years long?
“Vacation Eyes” opens with piano and bass, like a good song. Oh my god, I think it’s gonna cross the three-minute mark! They’re going to have “vacation eyes for the rest of [their lives].” Montana skies do have that effect, I imagine.
THERE IS A GIRL ON “SUMMER IN THE HAMPTONS.” She is just there to say the title of the song. Not even sing. This song is about “sex like summer in the Hamptons.” So sex that’s overrated and for rich people.
I think Joseph just said “I’m your baby spider”, which will sustain me comedically for at least a month and a half. I don’t care if that isn’t the real lyric. This song is called “Summer Baby.” It’s better than “Chillin’ in the Summertime”, I will give it that.
OOH IS THAT A TWELVE-STRING GUITAR????? “Little Bird” opens with canned applause, which is only okay if it’s “Bennie and the Jets.” I’m going to hazard a guess that this song is about fatherhood. I can’t really relate, but technically I couldn’t relate to “Year 3000” either.
And now, “Walls.” “Walls” featuring Jon Bellion, for whose work I do not care. This song abounds with iv chords, and I’m always here for that. Thank you, Jonathan. I still have no idea what to do with this song, but I am not bored. I was bored for a lot of these.
LET’S LISTEN AGAIN, BUT PASSIVELY
The Independent gave the album three stars, calling it “pure, safe sonic ketchup.” This is the most amazing descriptor I’ve ever heard in a music review. I think I’ll not read anything else. I’m already back at “Wings.” “Miracle” and “Montana Sky” left that little of an impression. None of these have left impressions! Even ketchup leaves an impression! Oh wait, okay, “Celebrate!” is back. “Celebrate!” to “Waffle House” is the best stretch of album. Of Album. They put two entire good songs in a row. I’ve decided “Vacation Eyes” is bad. I mean, not bad. It won’t like, offend your senses. But it’s boring. OH, HE SAID “I’M YOUR BABY’S FATHER.” Whatever. No you are not, Mr. Perfectly Fine. Spider forever. I like “Walls” more every time I hear it, but “Kids of the Future” is not getting dethroned as the best closing track anytime soon. They really are not good at picking closing tracks.
LET’S LISTEN ONE MORE TIME, IN THE SHOWER
These songs are fine. What was I talking about? Okay, “Summer in The Hamptons” still sucks, actually, but the rest of them are so very tolerable. Do play them at your outdoor summer gathering. When I inevitably drop a half-empty can of Twisted Tea in someone’s grandparents pool by accident, I want this as the soundtrack.
Then again, everything sounds better in the shower. You can’t check the title and runtime of every song; you just have to vibe. “Summer in The Hamptons” wasn’t even bad enough for me to get out and hit skip, but I’d definitely have done so otherwise.
LET’S RANK THE SONGS FROM BEST TO WORST
Waffle House
Celebrate!
Walls
Miracle
Summer Baby
Sail Away
Wings
Montana Sky
Vacation Eyes
Little Bird
Americana
Summer in The Hamptons
None of these songs would’ve cracked the Top 25 on my comprehensive ranking from 2019.
Can I terminate my contract as Your Jonas Brothers Friend? Like, do you still need one at this point? They’ve achieved their final form: three dads who like falsetto. Good for them. But I don’t think we’re ever getting another “Sucker”, let alone another “S.O.S.”
CONCLUSION
2.5/5 stars. The Album could’ve been The Email.