spirit halloween animatronic pitches
You know how every Spirit Halloween has a bunch of six-foot, $300 animatronics set up just inside the front door? Ostensibly they are available for purchase, but I’ve never seen it happen in-store, on the spot. Because it’s weird, I think, to expect trick-or-treaters to suspend their candy quest to stand in front of a robot while it delivers a deeply unsubtle, pun-laden spiel about the specific manner in which it’s going to kill them. What’s even weirder is the idea of having one in your house, for you. I mean, if someone wants to share their home with the Death Stalker for a month in a half, that’s their prerogative, but where the hell do you store it?
I’m making it sound like I hate these things. I do not. When I was of trick-or-treating age, seeing them in someone’s yard rarely impressed me, especially if they were chatty and wasted my time. My friends and I had like, three and a half hours to hit ~120 houses. We did not allot time to stand around and learn Young Crouchy’s whole deal. But I’ve always loved going to Spirit Halloween before October 31st to experience the animatronics in their natural habitat.
(It’s vitally important to me that you note “Rock You Like a Hurricane” playing in the background. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard a thematically-appropriate song in Spirit Halloween, whereas the Bath and Body Works next door took great care to remind me that the All-American Rejects cover of “Jack’s Lament” exists.)
See, unlike Gourdo there, most of the Spirit Halloween animatronics a little bit — how can I put this? — in need of an editor? They’re verbose, these things. An effectively scary animatronic simply needs to make sudden loud noises and abrupt, jerky motions. But the typical Spirit Halloween animatronic comes equipped with an elaborate backstory that takes three or four phrases to explain. Take Strawman, for instance — the first one I encountered this year at my local store.
Hell yeah, a giant, scary scarecrow! If I walked past that thing at night and it came to life, I’d probably get spooked! Simple as that! But Spirit Halloween seems to regard that as unsatisfactory. It’s not enough that there’s a 6’6 sentient scarecrow menacing at you. They need you to know why. Quoth his listing on their website:
Back in the day, Strawman was a gentle farmer who loved the great outdoors and tending his crops. Then the chemical plant exploded nearby, contaminating the fields. Now, instead of protecting the lands he once cultivated, he feeds on destruction, and is always on the prowl - setting traps for the unsuspecting, eagerly sinking his razor-sharp tools into their tender flesh and stuffing their mouths full of straw before they can scream in terror.
Oh, duh! The chemical plant nearby! I’m so glad you clarified, Spirit Halloween; I would be unable to suspend my disbelief without that critical piece of information. Did CinemaSins commission these things?
Of course, the average Halloween enjoyer is unlikely to purchase an animatronic, and therefore unlikely to go online and read its description. So Strawman himself has to tell you all about his hopes and dreams and shit right there in the store, like he’s chatting you up in a bar. Fortunately, his “product sayings” are also listed on the site, so I don’t need to go back and film all two and a half hours of his introduction:
You aren’t afraid of little me, are you? Why, I love this time of year, with the dead leaves all around us, and the darkness wraps around us like a mildewy blanket. Perhaps we can get acquainted while I sharpen my tools. Ha ha ha!
It’s nights like thisss, when the border between worlds grows thin… you never know what is lurking in the shadows, or RIGHT behind you! Ha ha ha! Stay close and keep your limbsss closer, you wouldn’t want to lose any!
Did you know that this land is cursed? The original farmer buried his victims in this very field! They say it helped to keep his soil nice and fertilized… would you care to see where their remains lie? Hahahaha!
I’ve been keeping these tools nice and sharp, just in case the farmer’s spirit returns this year… I think he will very be pleased with how I’ve been running things. And I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see you, hahaha!
If you are looking for somewhere safe, you can hide in the hole I dug out back. It’s six feet deep and very cozy. I’ll even tuck you in with a few layers of soil on top, to have a nice long rest… I know the worms would appreciate you! Ha ha ha!
So that’s probably the second-longest scarecrow monologue in recorded history, and your odds of coming in at the beginning are only 20%. Chances are, you’ll have to cycle through it a few times if you want to be a true Strawman scholar (like myself). You know who I bet loves that? Absolutely no employees in the store whatsoever. If you activate this guy as many times as I did, you will start to feel increasingly like you deserve to be killed by him in real life.
What I will say is that these animatronics and their dialogue seem super fun to brainstorm. So, in honor of the company’s 40th birthday, watch this.
Topher the Undead Frat Guy
Rushing Zombicron Boo when he was a sophomore was like, the best decision he ever made, man.
Product sayings:
“Me and the boys are having a party at the house tonight. It’s gonna be wild. Everybody’s like, dying to go, dude.”
“Yeah, I had to sell my soul or whatever, but it was soooo worth it, bro.”
“We don’t haze… anymore.”
“Pick your poison.”
Spirit Airlines Fright Attendant (Officially Licensed)
It’s her pleasure to serve you on this 666-hour flight to Certain Death, now boarding at the Gates of Hell.
Product sayings:
“Sorry, we only serve BLOOD…y Marys.”
“Don’t worry, the wing hasn’t broken off… yet.”
“This turbulence should only last… the rest of your life.”
Shailyn the Girl Who Is Better at Halloween Than You’ll Ever Be
She and her husband Craig spent Memorial Day weekend decorating their McMansion with ghost-shaped string lights from Pottery Barn so it’ll look festive for their Hocus Pocus watch party on August 29th. Do you want to try the pumpkin pie she just baked while you were standing around like an idiot? The crust is actually made of those Pillsbury Halloween cookies. The recipe is linked in her Instagram bio. She’s taking her four-month-old apple picking next week, even though he doesn’t have any teeth yet. Yeah, that’s right. This woman has a baby, and she still found the time to sync her outdoor lights with the Disneyland Haunted Mansion soundtrack. You haven’t even purchased one gourd yet.
Product sayings:
“I have two thousand scented candles going right now, and honestly, that’s low for me. Don’t tell the fire marshall!”
“I can’t believe you’ve never been on the haunted hayride at Cobbler’s Knob. It’s only $750 a person, and they actually behead someone with a chainsaw at the end. No, obviously it’s a volunteer!”
“Did J. K. Rowling do something problematic?”
Ron DeSantis (Unlicensed)
Because I want him to sue Spirit Halloween and lose.
Toilet Paper Mummy Who Ran Out of Toilet Paper Before He Was Able to Finish Wrapping Himself With It
Embarrassing!
Product sayings:
“Hey, would you mind, like… going to the store… and- yeah. Yeah I need. Yep. Maybe three rolls? Definitely at least two. You can take my Costco membership card, but I don’t know if they’ll let you use it. Maybe try Aldi?”
“Oh thank god, you’re back. Wait, what do you mean they were OUT-”
Evil French Horn Player
He just stands in a shadowy corner and plays normal music on his evil French horn, which is full of spiderwebs, maybe.
Product sayings:
Nondescript Puppet That Chains People to Pipes, But It Has Nothing to Do With the Saw Franchise
Product sayings:
“Hi. I would like to engage in a recreational activity with you.”
Literally Just Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen (Officially Licensed)
Get a load of this blast from the past. He doesn’t want to be here any more than you do. Look at his Abercrombie and Fitch fit; his dead, golden-brown eyes. “It’s the fluorescents,” he says, and can you really argue with him?
Additional product sayings:
“You better hold on tight, Spider Monkey.”
“This is the skin of a killer, Bella.”
“I had an adrenaline rush. It’s very common. You can Google it.”
Girl Who Read The Haunting of Hill House and Now Fervently Hates the Netflix Adaptation and Wants Mike Flanagan to Go to Jail
Product sayings:
“Why the fuck did he make them sisters?”
“No but like, why?”
“MICHAEL,”
Malfunctioning Disneyland Abraham Lincoln (Unlicensed, But Should Really Just Be In The Public Domain By Now)
Guys, I think that story is fake. The one about the Lincoln animatronic leaking red hydraulic fluid from its head, I mean. It’s not even on the Wikipedia page.
Product sayings:
“The world has never had a good definition of the word li-li-li-li-li-li-li-”
“At what point shall we expect the approach of danger?”
“I answer-” [twitching] “-amongst us. It cannot come-” [ominous sparking] “-DESTRUCTION-” [explosion]