okay marvel, now it's personal
Sometimes the Walt Disney Company emails me. This is very creepy of them and something that I actively discourage, but am unsure if I can prevent. I know I’ve hit unsubscribe before. They persist. It’s like they read this blog. Anyway, I usually don’t care enough to do anything more than say, “Ugh,” out loud, except now they’ve really gone and done it.
Here is an abridged timeline of the events that have led us to this outright attempt on my very life:
1923: Walt and Roy Disney found what is then known as Disney Brothers Studio to produce animated shorts. They later branch out into feature-length animated films and live action films.
1939: Publisher Martin Goodman starts what is then known as Timely Publications to publish comic books.
1955: Disney opens their first theme park, Disneyland, in Anaheim, California.
1959: With the success of Disneyland, Disney begins planning an east coast equivalent called Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida.
1961: Timely Publications changes its name to Marvel Comics, and becomes primarily known for superhero comics following the release of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby’s Fantastic Four series.
1971: Walt Disney World opens. Unlike Disneyland, which is in the middle of an extant city, Disney World sits on tens of thousands of acres of undeveloped swampland, allowing for expansion.
1982: Disney World opens its second theme park, Epcot.
1989: Disney enters a licensing agreement with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, and Disney World opens its third theme park, Disney-MGM Studios Park (now known as Disney’s Hollywood Studios. This is confusing because it’s in Florida).
1994: In desperate need of an “E ticket” attraction for the new park, Disney licenses the rights to The Twilight Zone from CBS and opens The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror ride to (entirely justified) critical acclaim.
1996: I am born.
1998: Disneyland razes their parking lot and begins constructing a second theme park, Disney California Adventure.
2001: California Adventure opens to negative reviews.
2004: In an attempt to improve the park’s standing, California Adventure imports a vastly inferior modified Tower of Terror.
2009: Disney acquires Marvel Studios.
2009: Screenwriter Nicole Perlman begins working on a script for a film based on the 2008 version of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
2010: A group of friends from Calabasas, California starts an indie rock band called The Mowgli’s (i.e. the character from Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book — a story best known to modern audiences from Walt Disney Animation’s 1967 adaptation).
2012: The Mowgli’s release their debut LP Sound the Drum, including lead single “San Francisco.”
2012: Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige announces Guardians of the Galaxy at San Diego Comic-Con.
2013: Seventeen-year-old Ashton, deep in the throes of Some Bullshit, hears “San Francisco” on a nearby alternative station, and it fundamentally alters her brain chemistry.
2013: Actor Chris Pratt, known for his role in the NBC comedy series Parks and Recreation, is announced as Peter Quill, aka Star-Lord, in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy film (beating out It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s Glenn Howerton).
2014: Guardians of the Galaxy premieres, grossing $773 million at the box office, against a $232 million budget. A contributor to the film’s success is its accompanying “Awesome Mix”, named after the mixtape of 1960s and 1970s hits on Peter Quill’s Walkman.
2016: At Comic-Con, Disney announces that the California Adventure edition of Tower of Terror will be rethemed into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride. This makes a lot of people very angry, even though that Tower of Terror is not that great.
2017: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is released, earning even more at the box office against an even smaller budget. Like the first film, it has a tie-in ’60s and ’70s Awesome Mix.
2017: Guardians of the Galaxy — Mission: Breakout! opens in California Adventure. It’s… better (?) than modified Tower of Terror? It's fine. It’s not an insult to its predecessor like the Incredicoaster. Or, you know, like a Florida GotGMB would be. Songs from the Awesome Mix are featured.
2017-Present: Star Chris Pratt’s public image takes a hit after he divorces actress Anna Faris, begins dating author Katherine Schwarzenegger, and is alleged a member of notoriously anti-LGBT megachurch Hillsong.
2019: Disney acquires 20th Century Fox, garnering backlash for its monopolization of the film industry. Marvel Studios has released eighteen films (and counting) since the Disney acquisition, and a tangible Marvel Cinematic Universe fatigue begins to set in among the general public, and also Martin Scorsese.
2020: The Mowgli’s break up.
2023: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 hits theaters, so far grossing $668 million against a $250 million budget. Like its predecessors, it has an Awesome Mix, but this one is not confined to music from the ’60s and ’70s, because Peter Quill has a Zune now.
2023: Walt Disney Records emails Ashton about the new Awesome Mix.
2023: Ashton (whose Marvel fatigue began long before 2019 and has zero plans to see this film) is like, “Psssht, what ’70s jams have they incorporated this time?” and clicks the Spotify link in the email.
2023: Only to be fucking blindsided by the inclusion of “San Francisco”, a relatively obscure song from 2012.
2023: Ashton, in a daze, opens Tunefind (the only good website) to see where, exactly, they’ve put “San Francisco.”
2023: Tunefind is like, “During a fight scene!”
2023: You’ll recall the lyrics to “San Francisco”:
2023-Forever: Everyone is all, “Oh my god, I love ‘San Francisco’ by The Mowgli’s from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3! That’s your favorite song too? You also must know it from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3!”
Darkest Timeline: Walt Disney World, tired of paying CBS for the Twilight Zone rights, and finally allowed to incorporate Marvel characters into their east coast parks, as I’m sure they eventually will be, rethemes the good Tower of Terror — their indisputable best attraction — into another Mission: Breakout! They include “San Francisco” by The Mowgli’s — the best song ever written — on the ride’s soundtrack, due to its association with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3.
2023-The Heat Death Of The Universe: Understandably so, no one gives a shit about this but me.
Conclusion: Targeted attack.