if i were a heterosexual blonde pop star, this is who i would date
If I were a heterosexual blonde pop star currently touring my entire discography, and I’d just gotten out of a long-term relationship, here are some of the men I might consider worthy investments.
THE GUY WHO DIRECTED MIDSOMMAR
If I liked using my times of great romantic hardship to fuel my artistic career, I think I would have a lot in common with someone whose breakup inspired a deeply unsubtle horror film about a cult.
THE GUY WHO PLAYED EDDIE IN STRANGER THINGS
If I were a heterosexual songstress who once penned an ode to boys from London about seven years after Anglophilia was cool, I would at least look into this dude. His character died, he has nothing else going on!
THE GUY FROM THE BEAR
If I were newly single and had a curious proclivity toward dating (mostly) other white people, I might see this guy think, “Oh perfect, another newly single person whose literal surname is White!”
THE GUY FROM ONE DIRECTION WHO MADE THE SMELLY PASTA HOUSE TWEET
If I were a blonde pop star regularly commended for my deft lyricism, I would perhaps seek out a fellow wordsmith.
TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET
I don’t know I think it would be funny.
NOBODY AT ALL!
If I were a heterosexual blonde pop star currently touring my entire discography, I quite frankly would not have room in my brain for some guy. My PR team would not have room in their brains to mitigate some guy’s steadfast commitment to being shitty, even if I gave them all raises from the $591 million my tour was projected to make. I’d simply just vibe for awhile.