i wrote the gay f.r.i.e.n.d.s thinkpiece the internet was missing
INTRODUCTION
I’ve been thinking a lot about Friends lately. For some reason. I used to be obsessed with Friends, but it was a hateful obsession — one where I’d watch a single episode and then seethe for hours about how much better it’d be if I’d written it.
We’ve all seen Friends, right? We’ve all been through that hell. We’ve all cringed in anticipation of “WE WERE ON A BREAK,” and we’ve all shared “Joey doesn’t share food” memes. We’ve all done the Thanksgiving marathon, and we’ve all taken showers, unable to think of anything but, “I’m in the shower, and I’m writing a song/Stop me if you’ve heard it.” We’ve all chided ourselves for asking if someone or something could BE any more [adjective], and most importantly, we’ve all said something to the effect of, “GOD, I hate Friends,” before binge-watching another season and a half.
We’ve all seen Friends, and that is why there are so many goddamn thinkpieces about this mediocre TV show. They range from valid (the entire thing is a blatant ripoff of considerably lesser-known early ’90s sitcom Living Single, which featured a Black cast including Queen Latifah, and the more we rake David Crane and Marta Kauffman over the coals for this, says I, the better) to pointless and stupid. One of the most popular topics I’ve seen in my Friends thinkpiece-perusing career is Rachel and Joey’s awkwardly shoehorned-in relationship toward the end of the show’s run, when the plug was surprisingly not pulled after season eight. (Like, quite frankly, it should’ve been.) “Rachel and Joey should’ve ended up together!” cries at least one article per entertainment journal. But I’m going to go out on a limb here, and propose that no one actually wants that. I mean, maybe like, two people do, but that’s not enough to warrant the quantity of online publications about it. What they really mean is, Rachel shouldn’t have ended up with Ross. Rachel shouldn’t have given up a job in Paris to be with Ross. It’s just common sense. Critical re-evaluation of Ross is the only good thing to come out of the show’s resurgence. I’m not going to get into the weeds of why Ross sucks, because you already know. Instead, I am going to attempt to break what seems to be relatively new ground here. No, Rachel shouldn’t have ended up with Ross. But she shouldn’t have ended up with Joey, either.
She should’ve ended up with Monica.
SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS GAY
Everyone (and this is purely an assumption on my part, because I do not often discuss this show with normal human beings out of a completely rational fear that they will immediately cease communication with that crazy bitch who won’t shut up about their 29-year-old comfort show being gay) has their favorite era of Friends, and mine is the stretch between Ross and Rachel’s infamous break, and the beginning of Chandler and Monica’s technically fine but godawfully heterosexual relationship, because this is when it is easiest to read the show as The Charmingly ’90s Adventures of A Lesbian Couple, the Gay Couple Across the Hall, and Phoebe. (Phoebe isn’t straight either — that was canon — but I believe describing her simply as Phoebe is sufficient in this context.) There’s also a Ross in there, but his behavior toward women is terminally off-putting, leaving Rachel free to cohabitate sapphically with the superior Geller.
Here’s how this whole mess begins: the five non-Rachel Friends are hanging out in their favorite coffee shop, and then suddenly Rachel barges in wearing a wedding dress, having just left her fiancé at the altar, looking for her estranged high school bestie, Monica. Who was not invited to the wedding. By the end of the episode, Rachel is cutting up her credit cards with scissors and living in Monica’s spare bedroom. This girl was so unprepared for a straight, suburban marriage that she cuts herself off from her rich parents and moves into a purple apartment in an LGBT cultural hub with another woman in the span of like, a day.
And Monica, if I may speak so plainly, is a lesbian. I mean she’s not in the text, but she is. I am a lesbian, I know a fictional lesbian when I see one, and Monica is one such fictional lesbian. She just exudes those vibes. It is indisputable, Monica Geller’s lesbianism; I’m merely observing at this point. She’s competitive, she’s the family disappointment, she excels in the male-dominated culinary field, most of her friends are guys, she used to be fat, she owns a sweatshirt that says GIRLS, she’s mean but in like a hot way, and nearly every man she dates epitomizes one sort of Men That Lesbians Convince Themselves To Be Attracted To. For example:
FUN BOBBY: He’s fun! Everyone loves him! Who wouldn’t want to date him?
TOM SELLECK THE MILLION-YEAR-OLD OPTHALMOLOGIST WHO IS HER FATHER’S BEST FRIEND: Actually, you know what? This was just David and Marta straight-up antagonizing me, when I was at the tender age of fetus. No lesbian, embroiled in heteronormativity or not, would date this man. No straight woman in her twenties would date this man, either. God, I hated this whole arc so much.
CHANDLER: Her gay best friend. Solidarity at its finest.
Speaking of Chandler, do I even need to put effort into convincing people that the man is not heterosexual? He! Has! A! Quality! Could he be any gayer? Etc, etc. There’s hearsay that the character was originally scripted to be gay, but then when the late Matthew Perry was cast, David and Marta were like, “Well, he can’t be gay now!” Why not? Why the fuck not? Perry — and this is the highest of praise — played Chandler so gaily that I have actual trouble suspending my disbelief at certain points of Chandler and Monica’s relationship.
So much of Mondler (as they call it) is just stuff that Chandler and Joey, and Rachel and Monica, have already done. It’s like David and Marta going, “Once more, with heterosexuality!” Moving in together? Seen it. Adopting twins? Do the chick and the duck mean nothing to you? You can interpret these parallels two ways:
Everything Chandler & Joey and Rachel & Monica did together symbolically prepared them for Real, Actual Adult Relationships (Joey’s is purely theoretical).
Everything Chandler & Joey and Rachel & Monica did together was a desperate attempt to maximize their only chance at true, gay happiness before heteronormative societal expectations inevitably snatched it from them.
Even the first one gives me the heebie-jeebies. The concept of same-gender friendship as a low-stakes precursor to long-term, monogamous, heterosexual romantic relationships is tired. You’re supposed to be able to flip a switch and make someone else the most important person in your life? Without hurting that space’s former occupant? And they’re supposed to be able to do the same to you? I don’t get it. I don’t get it, I don’t get it, I don’t get it. Not even in a gay way; I’d say the same thing about an otherwise unchanged relationship between Joey and Miss Chanandler Bong.
Consider the episode where Monica kicks Rachel out so Chandler can move in. They’re at each other’s throats, and Phoebe (who’s supposed to live with Rachel afterwards) gives up on trying to mediate and terminates the new living agreement because she doesn’t want her friendship with Rachel ruined in similar fashion, prompting Monica to break down and say the following:
“She gets tons of catalogs. And she folds down the pages of things that she thinks that I’ll like. When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler… she was really supportive… You were so great… and you made it so easy… and now you have to leave… AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A BOY!”
And it’s like, Jesus Christ! Monica! No one’s making you! No one’s tethering you to the human embodiment of “Undone (The Sweater Song)” except maybe your own personal allegiance to cisheteropatriarchal norms! Which can be hard to unlearn, I get it! Society is often unkind to such nonconformists. But also, you live in the West Village. You’ll be fine.
Anyway, then Phoebe’s like, “Aw, now I can’t wait to live with Rachel! All three of us should live together, actually!” and then Rachel reminds her of the whole Chandler thing, and Phoebe’s like, “You’re still set on that?” which Monica is. “Kinda.” This is killing me. You’re killing your viewers, David and Marta.
AND THEN THERE ARE BISEXUALS
My investigation into Rachel’s sexual orientation begins, like all lesbian awakenings, with Winona Ryder.
So like, three episodes pre-Mondler wedding, we randomly meet Rachel’s old sorority sister, Winona Ryder Melissa, whomst she kissed once. And she’s very proud of this because it’s “the one wild thing” she’s ever done in her entire life. Leaving her fiancé at the altar and starting anew doesn’t count, I guess. Rachel introduces Melissa to Phoebe, all, “This is my old sorority sister THAT I KISSED,” and Melissa’s like, “I have no memory of this,” and this drives Rachel so insane that she eventually kisses Melissa again, and Melissa’s like, “Oh my god, you do love me!” It turns out she’s been in what she thought was mutual romantic love with Rachel this entire time, because “nobody can kiss that good and not mean it,” and Rachel just apologizes profusely and puts her in a cab. And then Phoebe, who’s been standing there the whole time, impulsively kisses Rachel to see what all the fuss is about.
So. I don’t think Rachel is in love with Winona Ryder. I don’t even think she’s in love with Phoebe, necessarily. Textually, she’s in agonizing, destructive love with the worst guy in the world, and I don’t think any lesbian could like, survive that. For self-preservation, I must assume she is bi. But why Ross?
I have a theory. Who’s to say Rachel isn’t in love with Monica, and simply projecting her feelings onto a more socially acceptable alternative? That’s the only reason I can fathom being into Ross, anyway. It’s probably pretty scary to be at your own wedding and think, I don’t want to marry this guy, I want to see my female best friend; less so, I don’t want to marry this guy, I want to see my female best friend’s tall older brother.
And unfortunately, the most compelling textual evidence for Joey’s queerness independently of his interactions with Chandler, is the episode where he and Ross are Nap Partners. Mondler are in the throes of wedding planning by this point, so I think the writers figured it would be weird to keep using Chandler for homophobic joke fodder. Not that it totally stopped them. Because the thing about Friends is that it’s homophobic. Homophobic jokes are the fuel on which it runs. If nothing gay happens, there cannot be homophobic jokes, and without homophobic jokes, it cannot be Friends. And if it’s not Friends, what is it? Just an overrated white ripoff of Living Single?
The thing about Friends is that it aired when being gay was at best a punchline and at worst a contagious disease. And the thing about Chandler’s sexual orientation in particular is that if it was anything other than heterosexual, it would kind of adhere to the latter. See, Chandler’s father is a drag queen who abandoned the family and left Chandler traumatized. Now, per ’90s standards, wouldn’t it be problematic if Chandler were also queer? Wouldn’t it lend credence to the contagious disease theory? Or worse, the theory that queerness is hereditary? And like, no, it wouldn’t. There could’ve been a heartwarming scene where they reconcile over this. I mean, there is a scene where they reconcile, when Chandler and Monica attend Chandler’s dad’s extremely tame drag show in Las Vegas and invite him to their wedding, but that wouldn’t be as poignant even if it weren’t excruciatingly transphobic. So imagine a version of this scene where Chandler’s engaged to a man instead of Monica, and it’s just two gay men from two generations with two very different life experiences and interpretations of their respective identities. Who happen to be father and son. And they apologize to each other for abandonment and for lashing out respectively (I never said their crimes were equal) and Chandler’s like, “This is my fiancé,” and his dad’s like, “This is what I do for a living,” and there’s some lesson in there about the multitude of avenues by which gay people can find happiness, and I have to stop now because not only am I essentially writing fanfiction, but I’m getting emotional over it.
INTERLUDE: SHOULD PHOEBE HAVE MARRIED PAUL RUDD?
No. Okay fine, I’ll elaborate. I’m not saying I don’t want Paul Rudd there, especially since he was able to leverage his appearance to create his infamous recurring Mac and Me prank. But with Phoebe? Phoebe? I can think of five Friends that fit better with Paul Rudd, including the one I’ve spent like nine million words insisting is a lesbian. Phoebe is the most interesting character on the show bar none, and Paul Rudd is the most boring, vanilla dude. You know he just sits at home with his wife having a bland spaghetti dinner, talking about his day. I’m calling him Paul Rudd because that’s how little I actually remember of Mike Hannigan. So no. We’re not doing this. Especially now that we’ve raised the possibility of a Phoebe/Rachel/Monica polycule. Because Phoebe is bi. As I said, that was canon.
THE ONE THAT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN
Because Friends is the most annoying show of all time, it has a two-parter called “The One That Could Have Been”, which depicts an alternate universe where Rachel goes through with her marriage, Ross stays in his, Joey’s acting career takes off, Chandler is a struggling writer, Phoebe is a stockbroker, and Monica is fat. And they’re all! Still! Straight! All of them! Chandler and Monica get together and it’s supposed to be heartwarming or something that they would still pretend to be straight for each other even if they weren’t hot and rich like in the actual show. Rachel and Joey nearly have an affair, Ross is still married to his lesbian wife, and to mirror my own stress, Phoebe has a heart attack at the age of 29.
THE ONE THAT STRAIGHT-UP HAUNTS ME
(But IMDb calls it “The One with the Joke.”)
This is an unremarkable, nothing episode, except it has a dyke drama subplot where Phoebe says she’d rather date Rachel than Monica, because Monica is high-maintenance, and Rachel is a pushover. And I’m just like, Guys. Guys. What happened to that polycule you wanted to form? You can still do that. Please do that!
They don’t do that because David and Marta hate me, but they do stop arguing about it. Rachel and Monica both tell Phoebe they’d choose to date her, and then quickly confirm with each other that they’d actually rather date. By the credits, it’s a non-issue. Such a non-issue that Rachel casually gives Ross, Joey, and Chandler the same thought experiment.
And Ross and Joey don’t take the bait because that would be gay.
But Chandler…
CHANDLER,
“What’s the big deal?” you ask. “It’s just another homophobic joke.” Look at these images again. Look at the HORROR on Monica’s face. The pensive look on Rachel’s. Joey’s heartbreaking intrigue, Ross’s disgust.
It’s Monica’s reaction that really kills me. She and Chandler moved in together just six episodes ago, and now she’s a) spent the past twenty-two minutes contemplating the idea of dating Rachel and/or Phoebe, b) finding out that the boyfriend she has because she’s very heterosexual, and he’s very heterosexual, doesn’t even have to think about accepting a hypothetical date with his homoerotic ex-roommate.
The saddest part? At the end of the season, they still get engaged.
CONCLUSION
I’m worried I’ve made it sound like I think Friends would be good if they’d produced the version that exists in my head. Because I assure you, it would not. It would still be a pile of trash and rusty nails and shit, surviving only on the strength of its cast and their performances. It would still be Mediocre, White Living Single, just Mediocre, White, GAY Living Single. Featuring Ross.
I know they make TV shows about actual gay people now. They made shows about gay people in the ’90s. And yet, for some reason I often prefer to do this — to play in the homophobic sandbox that is Friends. Am I even having that much fun in here? Not really! Like I said, rusty nails and trash; I’m so getting metaphorical tetanus eventually. But I just thought I’d share. Because I’m sorry, but if I see one more overconfident chucklefuck insisting that Rachel/Joey could’ve fixed the show, or worse — that the show is perfect as is — I’m gonna lose my goddamn mind.
This piece was partially written during the 2023 SAG-AFTRA strike, which has come to a tentative end as of November 8th. Since I wrote most of it prior to the end of the strike, I still thought I’d say that without the labor of striking actors, this show would not have existed.