May 5, 2023

guys in '80s movies could just be named anything

I mean it. Your fun romp around Chicago is led by Ferris Bueller. One of the murdered jocks in Heathers is named Ram Sweeney, and he is buried in his football uniform, helmet included. The Dead Poets Society membership was ALMOST 100% normal, but then a guy named Knox Overstreet joins the squad. You see what I mean. Gardner Barnes. Wyatt Donnelly. Flash Jensen. Ren McCormack. I haven’t seen St. Elmo’s Fire — and I won’t unless I lose a bet — but I’m told Emilio Estevez’s character is named Kirby Keager. WHY???

So, like with absolutely everything, my pattern-seeking brain has latched onto this phenomenon and reverse-engineered it for purposes of parody. These things are really easy to imitate. Here, I’ll show you.

HOW TO NAME AN ’80s BOY

First name: Noun or surname (love interests get cool nouns like “ember”; comic relief gets silly nouns like “lamp”)

Last name: Normal surname that sounds just weird enough when paired with the first name (Ember Sullivan, Lamp Dupuy)

Allow me to name your totally ’80s original character and/or son for you:

Protagonist

• Garland Downing

• Coop Cooper

• Rhodes Hogan

• Harper Benderson

• Jenner Hess

• Smith Shipton

• Wiley O’Leary

• Beck Bennett

• Conroy Dietrich

Love Interest

• Camp Watkins

• Frost Nance

• Cash Breckenridge

• Biker Randolph

• Chive Durand

• Ellison Farrell

• Car Gallagher

• Irony Jenkins

• Aldridge Montclair

Comic Relief

• Kleenex Mapplethorpe

• Foley Upchurch

• Bench Figgs

• Wheeler Jameson

• Jeans MacLeod

• Quark Tully

• Grass Vox

• Satchel Corrigan

• Rice Wilson