every movie i watched for the first time in 2023 ranked
A lot of them are horror movies. I often watch horror movies, trying in vain to find that one will scare me. It almost never happens. Almost.
So I tried to rank these films as objectively as possible, but it will quickly become apparent that I tend to rate based on enjoyment rather than quality. I haven't studied film; I don't consider myself an arbiter of quality anyway. Hence the disaster that is this list. Let's get into it.
(PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR HOW LATE I WAS TO SOME OF THESE. I TOO AM KICKING MYSELF FOR SLEEPING ON #1.)
#113: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002) dir. Callie Khouri
I really like, in spite of their myriad flaws, those weepy movies about twentieth-century women in the deep south being friends. Or more than friends. So I’d like this, I rationalized. Maybe not as much as the others, but you know, I’d enjoy it. I’d not dislike it. It wouldn’t piss me off. It wouldn’t be offensive and irresponsible and make excuses for CHILD ABUSE. In an incurious world preoccupied with good taste, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood is brave enough to ask — and answer — the question: “What if Steel Magnolias was fucked up and evil?” I do not want Sandra Bullock to reconcile with Ellen Burstyn, thank you very much! I want her to get individual restraining orders against each member of the sisterhood, and her fiancé, and then leave the country for good measure.
#112: Jessabelle (2014) dir. Kevin Greutert
The less said about this racist mess the better. Moral of the story: don’t watch movies just for the Succession cast.
#111: Dracula 3D (2012) dir. Dario Argento
My friend went on a giallo journey this year, and I joined her for a lot of it, which means I saw a bunch of Argento — giallo and non. Not every film of his, but a decent amount. I also haven't seen every adaptation of Dracula. Despite all that, I am comfortable calling this both the worst Argento movie, and the worst version of Dracula.
#110: Gehenna: Where Death Lives (2016) dir. Hiroshi Katagiri
They had Doug Jones playing his signature long, scary monster, and they barely utilized him!
#109: Friday the 13th (2009) dir. Marcus Nispel
Friend and I were scouring Tubi (the only good streaming platform) for something stupid to watch, and I was like, “Do you want to watch Jared Padalecki die?” and then he didn’t even die!
#108: My Policeman (2022) dir. Michael Grandage
I originally wanted the Harold Styles duology to tie, but then I decided that was the coward’s way out. So help me Chris Pine, I would determine, once and for all, which was worse: bland gay cop movie, or HOT MESS. And when I laid it out like that, of course My Policeman wins! Loses! Whatever!
#107: Don’t Worry Darling (2022) dir. Olivia Wilde
I don’t mean to imply that this movie is at all good. I just had a lot more fun watching it.
#106: The Little Mermaid (2023) dir. Rob Marshall
The Little Mermaid (1989) is a film that haunts and vexes and me, because I don’t like it, but I’ve never been able to settle on a reason why that doesn’t seem biased and petty. Fortunately, The Little Mermaid (2023) is bad in a pathetically straightforward sense, so I never have to think about it again!
#105: Annabelle (2014) dir. John R. Leonetti
The movie itself isn't worth talking about, so I'll tell a story! I was a freshman in college when Annabelle hit theaters, and my Spanish III professor just kind of latched onto it, and mentioned it like, an unusually large number of times. Using the Spanish pronunciation, ah-nah-BAEHL. She'd ask us what we did over the weekend, and inevitably someone would go, "Vi una película en el cine," and she'd be like, "¿¿¿LA PELÍCULA ANNABELLE???" And they'd be like, "...No, la película John Wick." She also said, "Tricky, tricky Halloween," whenever a verb conjugated weird, so that phrase is inextricably linked to la película Annabelle in my mind forever. I miss her so much (my Spanish professor, not Annabelle).
#104: Color Out of Space (2019) dir. Richard Stanley
Biggest disappointment here! Look at this fucking poster! Would you believe me if I told you that (despite its best efforts) the poster looks cooler than anything in the actual film? And speaking of the actual film, it’s not scary, but it is really upsetting? Like, I wasn’t expecting pleasantry from Lovecraftian horror, but the bummers take center stage in this one. This is not a flaw, but it did prove fatal to my personal enjoyment factor, which is how it ended up all the way down here. Also, Nicolas Cage is doing a Trump impression the entire time, which no one asked of him! I wanted to see Nicolas Cage experience horrors beyond all comprehension, not a backdoor audition for the questionable Sebastian Stan Trump biopic! Worst Cage performance I saw this year, and I’m counting the Dream Scenario trailer, which I had to see approximately nine hundred times, and hated by the fourth.
#103: The Nun II (2023) dir. Michael Chaves
There's an evil stained glass goat in it.
#102: Whisper (2022) dir. Christopher Jolley
If I manage to remember literally anything about this movie I will let you know.
#101: Ghosted (2023) dir. Dexter Fletcher
Remember the great chemistry between Ana de Armas and Chris Evans in Knives Out? Because it’s not here! Ghosted has exactly two worthwhile moments: Evans’ gay-ass delivery of, “I’M A FARMER!” and Sebastian Stan getting hit by a car. I’m talking about Sebastian Stan too much. What are Joe Biden’s plans to address the sinister pervasiveness of Sebastian Stan? Because you cannot enter a single tag on Tumblr dot com without running into miles of fanfiction about you (yes, you!) and Sebastian Stan running a horse sanctuary or banging in a Target stockroom or time-traveling to stop 9/11. WHAT HAS HE DONE TO WARRANT THIS? And what have I done to deserve seeing it all the time?
#100: Beyond the Gates (2016) dir. Jackson Stewart
I was very high when I watched this, but fortunately I took notes! I think!
#99: Demons (1985) dir. Lamberto Bava
Bava, a birthday twin of mine, is the son of giallo codifier Mario Bava, and this movie is bad! Theatergoers vs. horde of demons is too fun a premise to be this bad! And yet!
#98: Seedpeople (1992) dir. Peter Manoogian
I watched this purely for the poster, because look at it, but all I remember of the movie itself was that it had a bizarre number of things in common with Back to the Future.
#97: Bad Building (2015) dir. Philip Granger
I think this was trying to subvert the Location Is Haunted Because Native American Burial Ground trope by implying that the horrors are a result of genocide, but it’s such an all-around disaster that I can’t recommend it.
#96: Rags (2012) dir. Bille Woodruff
Modern, genderswapped Cinderella starring MAX from the Can’t Get Enough Tour and Keke Palmer. Neither of whom could save it!
#95: Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023) dir. Emma Tammi
I DID ALL THAT WORK FOR THIS???????????
#94: The Nun (2018) dir. Corin Hardy
It made such a valiant effort to be scary, but unfortunately the Conjuring cinematic universe is allergic to scariness. It didn't even have a stained glass goat!
#93: Monster High 2 (2023) dir. Todd Holland
This franchise is very fun to explore with your friends, but the live action adaptations don’t do it any favors.
#92: The Pope’s Exorcist (2023) dir. Julius Avery
Russell Crowe IS! The Pope’s Exorcist. The most transcendent moment in this mess is when a possessed Crowe stumbles dramatically through an attic while a colony of bats swarms around him.
#91: The Girl Who Knew Too Much/The Evil Eye (1963) dir. Mario Bava
There are two cuts of this movie, and apparently The Evil Eye, the one I watched, is the bad one. Which sucks, because I was looking forward to the first giallo ever made.
#90: Amsterdamned (1988) dir. Dick Maas
Can the Dutch make a giallo? I wondered. A geel, if you will? And, um. No. No, they cannot. Although if I were just ranking titles, this would be number one.
#89: Strange World (2022) dir. Don Hall and Qui Nguyen
I’m very glad Jaboukie’s character was undeniably gay, and I’m very sad the movie this happened in is so goddamn mid. I heard it compared to Treasure Planet in terms of marketing (or lack thereof) and worldbuilding and floating blob sidekick inclusion, and I don’t want to be like mean or whatever, but Treasure Planet is everything, and Strange World is nothing. I’m sorry! The effort was there! The environmentalist message was appreciated! Jaboukie was gay! But it was just less than the sum of its parts overall.
#88: Miraculous: Ladybug & Cat Noir, The Movie (2023) dir. Jeremy Zag
Okay some of my friends really like this show and I… don’t really. I have tried. This alternate canon origin story wasn’t bad, though!
#87: Behind the Sightings (2021) dir. Tony Cadwell
There is a scene, about twelve minutes into this otherwise unremarkable found footage evil clown movie, where the protagonists consult Dr. Adam Walker, Evil Clown Expert.
And the uncredited actor playing him delivers the following lines with some of the most grave seriousness ever put to film.
If I were doing awards, this guy would win Best Performance in a Supporting Role by a landslide.
#86: The Lift (1983) dir. Dick Maas
Finally, a cinematic version of the Eeby Deeby meme.
#85: Children of the Corn (1984) dir. Fritz Kiersch
Stephen King tried unsuccessfully to make corn scary, and then teamed up with Kiersch and co-writer George Goldsmith to prove definitively on film that you cannot make corn scary. You just can’t. But! You can make corn into moonshine, and get very drunk, and then you will have a ball with this movie, particularly John Franklin’s performance as cult leader Isaac.
#84: Red, White & Royal Blue (2023) dir. Matthew López
The best thing I can say about this movie is that it introduced me to “That Thing You Do” by Ellem.
#83: Suspiria (2018) dir. Luca Guadagnino
FUCK your desaturated palette, Call Me By Your Name guy. Has anyone on this wretched planet Earth ever watched the original and thought, Too colorful! Oh god my eyes!? No! No, they haven’t! The colors are the best part! I don’t care if you have Tilda Swinton playing like seventeen different roles!
#82: Insidious: The Red Door (2023) dir. Patrick Wilson
By far the least memorable part of my Big Time Road Trip.
#81: Catacombs (2007) dir. David Elliot and Tomm Coker
P!nk is in this movie, and she dies twice.
#80: Willy’s Wonderland (2021) dir. Kevin Lewis
The passable version of Five Nights at Freddy’s. PASSABLE. As good as Nicolas Cage’s silent performance is, he deserved to go full Deadfall on Willy and co.
#79: Sweet Home (1989) dir. Kiyoshi Kurosawa
Fine, but you can watch this short film instead, and probably have a spookier time.
#78: Revolver (1973) dir. Sergio Sollima
Tumblr told me it would be like Goncharov. It does have a very tragically gay intro, I'll give it that.
#77: Lisa and the Devil (1973) dir. Mario Bava
This Lisa cannot catch a fucking break, I'm telling you. The ending is especially a bummer.
#76: Deep Red (1975) dir. Dario Argento
The best Argento film, everyone claimed! And I disagree! I’m sorry! It’s not even red!
#75: Sinister (2012) dir. Scott Derrickson
I was promised The Scariest Horror Movie Ever According To Science, and I think you can guess how accurate that was.
#74: Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (2023) dir. Sam Wrench
I wanted to be done thinking about Taylor Swift until I have to rank more songs, but then I remembered I saw this! In IMAX! My friend kindly gave me an edible, and then I got very much The Wrong Kind Of High for an experience of this nature. Half the theater was singing along, and I was just like, Oh my god, are they ALLOWED to sing???? Are they gonna get in trouble for singing????????? I love singing, and I have never wanted to do so less. I think the film itself was like, fine. Glad she cut my beloathed “Wildest Dreams”; have not forgiven her for cutting “The Archer” and “Cardigan.”
#73: Hereditary (2018) dir. Ari Aster
I SAY OVER YOU SAY RATED! OVER!
#72: Motel Hell (1980) dir. Kevin Connor
Guy With Pig Head And Chainsaw is unfortunately one of the stupid, cheap horror tropes that gets to me. I am not proud of this. If I see one at a haunted attraction, (this Knott's Scary Farm maze, for instance) I will experience mild apprehension, which for my unscareable ass is tantamount to paralyzing fear. So imagine my disappointment when Motel Hell only put a pig head on their murder guy at the end of the film, for like, five minutes. The Seinfeld episode where Kramer meets a Pigman in the hospital is scarier than this!
#71. Elemental (2023) dir. Peter Sohn
I liked it better than Zootopia?
#70: House of 1000 Corpses (2003) dir. Rob Zombie
Nobody told me Dwight from The Office would be there.
#69: From Beyond (1986) dir. Stuart Gordon
Great colors! Not my favorite Stuart Gordon adaptation of a Hovecraft Povecraft Lovecraft story, though.
#68: Doppelganger (1993) dir. Avi Nesher
Drew Barrymore stars in Horror Breakfast at Tiffany’s! Why!
#67: We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (2021) dir. Jane Schoenbrun
Made me so nostalgic for scaring the shit out of myself on the internet in middle school.
#66: Pulse (2001) dir. Kiyoshi Kurosawa
I feel so bad about being underwhelmed by another Kurosawa film. It is thought-provoking, but I just wish the ghosts had been scarier. A personal preference, granted, but...
#65: Santa Sangre (1989) dir. Alejandro Jodorowsky
God, I love weird movies. Except when I have to explain why I love them. Just watch it?? It's on Tubi!
#64: The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas (1982) dir. Colin Higgins
The best little musical I saw this year, and I'm not just saying that because the other one was the godforsaken Little Mermaid remake.
#63: Skinamarink (2022) dir. Kyle Edward Ball
Of all the movies I was hoping might scare me this year, I had the most riding on Skinamarink. I wanted it to be a cultural reset on par with The Blair Witch Project, but it was just Skinamarink. I respect this movie, but…
#62: Elton John: Farewell from Dodger Stadium (2022) dir. Paul Dugdale
Go Grandpa!
#61: The Black Cat (1989) dir. Luigi Cozzi
An okay movie about what a great movie Suspiria is.
#60: City of the Living Dead (1980) dir. Lucio Fulci
I'll be honest, I have no memory of watching this. Like, at all. I read the Wikipedia plot summary, and none of it rang a bell. The only reason I know I watched this movie is because I gave it 3.5 stars on Letterboxd. This is probably the 3.5 stars on Letterboxd region of the list. I'm sorry, Fulci!
#59: The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
One of my self-imposed side quests this year was to watch every Hitchcock film I hadn’t seen, and I did not come close to meeting that goal. But I did make time for this one, since it’s a proto-giallo. The chair fight is the best part.
#58: The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
Both of them have their moments, but this one is simply longer, and has more room for moments.
#57: The Descent (2005) dir. Neil Marshall
This was the scariest movie I’d ever seen UNTIL the monsters showed up. If Marshall had just made a normal cautionary tale about the dangers of caving, it’d be an 11/10.
#56: The Minus Man (1999) dir. Hampton Fancher
If you’ve ever wanted to see Owen Wilson play a serial killer, with his patented Owen Wilson affability completely intact, you’re in luck.
#55: Night of the Comet (1984) dir. Thom Eberhardt
Zombie apocalypse movie starring two Valley Girls, as all zombie apocalypse movies should. I would trust Sam and Reggie Belmont with my life.
#54: Apollo 13 (1995) dir. Ron Howard
I am not immune to Tom Hanks Oscar bait based on historical events. Unfortunately.
#54: The House by the Cemetery (1981) dir. Lucio Fulci
This is the good version of Sinister.
#53: Shock (1977) dir. Mario Bava
And this is the good version of Sinister 2.
#52: Midsommar (2019) dir. Ari Aster
A much better movie than Hereditary and Don’t Worry Darling alike!
#51: Annihilation (2018) dir. Alex Garland
Very okay sci-fi (I've heard the book is better) that is miraculously about a group of entirely women investigating an anomaly.
#50: Last Night in Soho (2021) dir. Edgar Wright
I think the general consensus is that this movie is bad. I don't give a shit.
#49: Tenebrae (1982) dir. Dario Argento
Mid Argento. HOWEVER. There is a lesbian couple in this movie that I think about at least once a week.
#48: Pearl (2022) dir. Ti West
Fun! Mia Goth is so good in absolutely everything. (Even the Suspiria remake.)
#47: May December (2023) dir. Todd Haynes
The discourse this inspired has been absolutely fucking unbearable, but Charles Melton, man…
#46: Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) dir. Chris Columbus
Just reiterating my plea not to @ me for how long some of these took.
#45 Mandy (2018) dir. Panos Cosmatos
Should you ever have the urge to watch Color Out of Space, just watch this instead!
#44: Lifeboat (1944) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
I didn't love the ending, but Tallulah Bankhead absolutely crushed it.
#43: Sinister 2 (2015) dir. Ciarán Foy
I know I ranked this ahead of its good equivalent, Shock, but Sinister 2 is simply an unparalleled drunk watch. Everyone involved made the funniest possible choice at every opportunity.
#42: Cat in the Brain (1990) dir. Lucio Fulci
A Lucio Fulci movie about Lucio Fulci (played by Lucio Fulci) being driven to madness by making other Lucio Fulci movies. Every director should do something like this. The Fabelmans wishes.
#41: Jacob’s Ladder (1990) dir. Adrian Lyne
I knew this inspired the Silent Hill franchise, but I vastly overestimated its influence, so I spent the whole film like, Where's the pyramid guy??? Embarrassing of me. Anyway, this was my favorite Tim Robbins performance from this year, but not my favorite movie of his. You'll know that when you see it.
#40: M3GAN (2022) dir. Gerard Johnstone
I don’t know, guys. I wanted to love it. I liked it! It's better than Annabelle, obviously. But it wasn't transcendent.
#39: Nimona (2023) dir. Nick Bruno and Troy Quane
The script is rough at times, I won’t lie to you. But otherwise, the movie, like its eponymous character, is so unapologetically itself that it’s almost impossible not to be charmed.
#38: Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret (2023) dir. Kelly Fremon Craig
Sometimes you read a book in sixth grade, and you’re like, “That was good,” and then a decade and a half later, the writer/director of your favorite teen angst movie is like, “Remember that book? I’m adapting it for the screen?” and you’re like, “Oh god, why?” but then the movie is really good?????
#37: Chopping Mall (1986) dir. Jim Wynorski
Good, but its main impact is that every Friday, I go, “FUCK the fuchsia, it’s Friday,” as soon as I wake up.
#36: Dial M for Murder (1954) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
Really great for the first twenty minutes, and then mediocre for the next eight-five. You’re better off with that other movie Hitchcock made in 1954 starring Grace Kelly.
#35: Barbie (2023) dir. Greta Gerwig
I still don’t know what I think of the Barbie movie.
#34: Oppenheimer (2023) dir. Christopher Nolan
SORRY. SORRY I LIKED THE LONG-ASS BOY MOVIE BETTER. I’M AS DISAPPOINTED AS YOU ARE.
#33: The Phantom of the Opera at the Royal Albert Hall (2011) dir. Nick Morris and Laurence Connor
I didn’t think I had strong feelings about The Phantom of the Opera, and then the long-running Broadway production closed, and I was like :’( This cast is amazing, and my only complaint is that they (understandably) couldn’t do the chandelier drop at this particular venue.
#32: Eraserhead (1977) dir. David Lynch
What do you want me to say about Eraserhead? I have nothing of value. What even is value?
#31: Ringu (1998) dir. Hideo Nakata
The American remake was one of the first horror movies I ever saw, and this is just as good. Maybe even better, since it doesn’t have a blue filter.
#30: A Tale of Two Sisters (2003) dir. Jee-woon Kim
This movie scared me for almost four magical minutes, and then was merely good for the rest of the runtime.
#29: In the Heat of the Night (1967) dir. Norman Jewison
This is my dad’s favorite movie. And every time Sidney Poitier was on screen, I got why.
#28: The Old Dark House (1932) dir. James Whale
So so so so so much fun. A bunch of strangers (including a young Old Rose from Titanic) get stranded in an old dark house during a thunderstorm. Premise fulfilled. And then you just get to watch them encounter spooky situations for seventy-two minutes. Boris Karloff is even there.
#27: Lake Mungo (2008) dir. Joel Anderson
One of the only horror films where I've successfully guessed the twist in advance, and what a twist it is.
#26: Inferno (1980) dir. Dario Argento
Incoherent plot be damned, my boy can light a scene.
#25: Exte (2007) dir. Sion Sono
So. My friend and I were perusing Tubi for silly horror movies, and we were like, “They tried to make hair extensions scary?” and put this on, and they succeeded in making hair extensions scary!
#24: The Shawshank Redemption (1994) dir. Frank Darabont
Here's that other Tim Robbins movie! And I… yeah. I see why this is one of Stephen King’s favorite Stephen King adaptations.
#23: Sweet Smell of Success (1957) dir. Alexander Mackendrick
Nastiest guys of all time.
#22: Phenomena (1985) dir. Dario Argento
Jennifer Connelly solves a series of murders at her Swiss boarding school with her supernatural ability to talk to bugs! Not my favorite Argento, but I am weirdly fond of it.
#21: Vampire’s Kiss (1989) dir. Robert Bierman
American Psycho for people who like bad silly movies, starring PEAK Nicolas Cage. He puts on an accent that no living soul has ever had, screams the alphabet at his therapist, eats a pigeon, inspires an elite meme, and convinces himself apropos of almost nothing that he’s turning into a vampire. And then tells everyone in New York about it.
#20: Re-Animator (1985) dir. Stuart Gordon
PRACTICAL EFFECTS AND HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT EVERYBODY GIVE IT UP FOR PRACTICAL EFFECTS AND HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT!
#19: The Banshees of Inisherin (2022) dir. Martin McDonagh
Everything Everywhere All At Once is obviously a masterpiece, but I think this deserved at least one Oscar. The nature of the conflict is so relatable, yet so rarely portrayed on screen.
#18: Perfect Blue (1997) dir. Satoshi Kon
One of the few movies in the world that has scared me is Black Swan, and I know that’s only because Darren Aronofsky is a little bitch boy who bought the rights to Perfect Blue so he could copy it. And Perfect Blue is a better movie than Black Swan, obviously, but it didn’t scare me because I guess what I’m actually scared of is red contacts and distorted Tchaikovsky. That doesn’t mean it’s not severely uncomfortable at times, though. If you’re gonna check the DoesTheDogDie page for any movie I’ve mentioned, please let it be this one.
#17: Strangers on a Train (1951) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
Succession ended this year, and if you find yourself missing Tom and Greg, you can just watch this! The dynamic is identical! There’s also a comically long tennis scene, a genuinely tense carnival murder, and the final confrontation between the titular strangers occurs on an out-of-control carousel. And Nicholas Braun isn’t there.
#16: Daisies (1966) dir. Věra Chytilová
I wanted this to change my life, but it was simply a very good movie.
#15: Carnival of Souls (1962) dir. Herk Harvey
Seventy-eight minutes of an organist losing her mind, soundtracked accordingly.
#14: Kill Bill: Volume 2 (2004) dir. Quentin Tarantino
That foot guy unfortunately made a pretty good movie.
#13: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) dir. Tobe Hooper
It’s honestly kind of ghoulish how many iconic horror films Ed Gein inspired.
#12: Opera (1987) dir. Dario Argento
When people talk about how good Deep Red is, I'm always like, "Did you watch Opera by mistake?"
#11: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) dir. Stanley Kubrick
Why does everyone talk about HAL but not the fucking insane vortex sequence?
#10: Paganini Horror (1989) dir. Luigi Cozzi
My favorite bad movie ever, lest anyone forget.
#9: Huesera: The Bone Woman (2022) dir. Michelle Garza Cervera
I didn’t research anything about this movie before I saw it. All I knew was that it was in Spanish, and there would be a bone woman. And what I got was the first movie ever to convey the extreme dread I feel at the mere concept of a) having a baby b) with a man. It’s just not for me, but if you saw the flashback sequences in isolation, you’d never think it was for protagonist Valeria, either. It’s less impossible to find yourself in personally undesirable situations than it seems, and what’s scarier than that?
#8: Citizen Kane (1941) dir. Orson Welles
It’s Citizen Kane.
#7: The Thing (1982) dir. John Carpenter
Jed the Dog gave the best performance in this movie, and it’s not close.
#6: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023) dir. Joaquim Dos Santos, Kemp Powers, and Justin K. Thompson
The best-looking movie of the year. The decade, so far. The century, millennium, the MEDIUM OF FILM so far.
#5: Kill Bill: Volume 1 (2003) dir. Quentin Tarantino
Vastly superior to the second volume, due almost entirely to the efforts of one Lucy Alexis Liu. The anime sequence is really good, too.
#4: Rope (1948) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
I was prepared for how brain-breakingly gay it would be, but no one told me how fun this movie is???? I was like, “Ohh, that’s why people voluntarily go to murder mystery dinner parties. I get it now.” All of them should have evil gays who are also incredibly stupid, elderly amateur astrologists, and Jimmy Stewart being a weird guy. As approximately seven hundred different people on Letterboxd have quipped, “Rope is dope.”
#3: Suspiria (1977) dir. Dario Argento
I am finding it difficult to say anything meaningful about Suspiria. It’s just good? It’s really good, and it invented the color red, and it also invented the color blue. The soundtrack rules. It’s on Tubi. Few movies meet any of that criteria, let alone all of them.
#2: House (1977) dir. Nobuhiko Obayashi
Middle school girls are the coolest and most creative people in the world. This is evident in House’s seven protagonists, but even more so in the contributions of Obayashi’s daughter Chigumi, who is credited for the film’s concept. The studio asked Obayashi to make a blockbuster on par with Jaws, and he asked his daughter for inspiration, and she was like, (I’m paraphrasing) “THERE’S A HAUNTED HOUSE WITH SHEETS AND A PIANO THAT EAT PEOPLE AND SOMEONE’S HEAD TURNS INTO A WATERMELON,” because she was a genius.
So the plot of this Jaws-caliber blockbuster is that a thirteen-year-old brings her six best friends to her spinster aunt’s mysterious house in question, and they wind up in these situations, and deal with them very thirteenishly, and it feels exactly like a sleepover. Except for the part where they all die for real.
I think what compels me the most about House is that, despite the zaniness, it ends tragically. “And then everyone died,” was the pinnacle of comedy when I was in middle school, but no one actually wanted to see it happen. The deaths in House are so absurd that I didn’t start thinking of them as permanent until a good hour into the movie. So then I was left with the dissonance of children dying in objectively hilarious ways, and what my brain decided to take away from all that was, I will never have the creativity of an eleven-year-old again. This is the movie I wanted Daisies to be. It’s so awesome that Obayashi took his daughter’s ideas seriously enough to put them in a movie that was supposed to rival fucking JAWS, and now it’s part of the Criterion Collection. As it should be.
#1: Alien (1979) dir. Ridley Scott
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my fucking god. Listen, okay, listen. I knew it would be good. But I thought it would be good in the way that Citizen Kane is good. Like, you watch it, and you’re like, “That was indeed good!” and then you continue living your normal life. No.
My friend and I went to an absolutely packed screening of this at a local theater. So packed that the parking lot was already full by the time I got there, and I had to park on a side street. The speaker who introduced the movie was like, “Who here hasn’t seen it before?” and we both sheepishly raised our hands, (AS DID MANY OTHER PEOPLE) and he just laughed at us. And then we all got our shit rocked by the (director’s cut of) the scariest and most amazing movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I was shaking. I was still shaking when I left the theater, and then I had to walk all the way to my remotely parked car IN THE DARK, and then I white-knuckled it all the way home. I don’t think I fully relaxed until I took a shower.
The next night, I watched the theatrical cut. The next night, I watched the theatrical cut with the late Jerry Goldsmith’s alternate score, a lot of which Scott didn’t use. A few nights later, I watched the director’s cut again. None of these rewatches made me afraid for my actual life on this mortal plane the way that the initial watch did, but it’s such a good movie. Oh my god. I wish I could say I regret waiting nearly TWENTY-SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS to see it, but I don’t think I’d trade the primal terror of walking to my car after that screening. In a long existence of being underwhelmed by horror movies, Alien felt, dare I say, alien? In the best possible way. I’m genuinely worried it’s all downhill from here.
I still haven’t seen Aliens, let alone anything else in the franchise. I almost don’t want to? I doubt they’ll have the same effect, so I might as well pretend they don’t exist. For now. I hope I get to see a movie even half this good in 2024.