can good omens make me experience an emotion? (results)
Previously on this blog…
As soon as I finished writing the preamble, I watched the first episode of Good Omens. The next day I watched the second episode of Good Omens. And then later I watched the third episode of Good Omens. And then the next day I watched the fourth episode of Good Omens. And then the next day I got trapped inside by wildfire smoke again and watched the final two episodes of Good Omens.
EPISODE ONE: “IN THE BEGINNING”
Before the guys show up, we get almost two minutes of rapid-fire, visually insane exposition about the origin of Earth from Frances McDormand as the voice of God. It’s not that hard to follow if you close your eyes, but if you actually look at the screen, you will feel like you’ve taken several tabs of LSD.
If you can make it through this scene without having a seizure, you are rewarded with the first onscreen interaction between Aziraphale and Crowley, right after the latter has convinced Adam and Eve to eat an apple from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and the former has gifted them a flaming sword.
Crowley wonders aloud why God would put the tempting-ass fruit tree in the middle of Eden and not “on the moon”, which just reminds me of that time on Doctor Who when they made David Tennant say “Judoon platoon upon the moon” in an English accent, which I’m told is very difficult if you have a Scottish accent. Leave him alone!
Aziraphale is worried about having accidentally done something wrong by giving them the sword, which makes Crowley wonder if he’s accidentally done something right by setting the events of the Bible into motion. This will be a recurring theme, into which you can read whatever you want.
Eleven years before Armageddon, Crowley is supposed to delivery the baby Antichrist to a Satanic nunnery so that they can switch it out with American ambassador Nick Offerman’s baby. Two other demons overseeing the transaction fucking hate Crowley and call him a “flashy bastard”, which I guess could read as a microaggression if you wanted it to. Why would you, though? Crowley shows up late in his sweet ride, blasting Queen.
They get in a few more sick burns before he parks, accusing Crowley of being on Earth for so long that he’s started posting cringe, i.e. wearing sunglasses at night.
Crowley’s really bad at tempting people into sin these days — his most recent evil deed was breaking every cellular network in the greater London area to piss people off. The other two demons are like, “Whatever loser, here’s the Antichrist, you know what to do,” and Crowley’s like, “Me????” and they’re like, “Yeah, problem?” and he’s like, “Already?????” He very reluctantly accepts the challenge and saunters off into the darkness with the baby, while the other demons glare at him homophobically.
In the car, Crowley’s having an existential breakdown when Benedict Cumberbatch as Satan calls him and is like, “Congrats on breaking the motorway that one time, darling, I knew you were the right man for this job,” and the use of the word darling is the show’s doing, not mine. Crowley’s like, “YEP, MMHMM, YEP, SUCH AN HONOR,” and Satan takes on a much more menacing tone as he begins to relay Antichrist babyswapping instructions.
Meanwhile, Aziraphale is having sushi when Jon Hamm as the angel Gabriel shows up, all, “Why are you eating human food? Are you gay?” The second part of the question is only implied, but strongly. “I DO NOT SULLY THE TEMPLE OF MY CELESTIAL BODY WITH GROSS MATTER,” Jon Hammbriel scoffs when Aziraphale offers him a roll. You could cut the subtext with a knife. He’s like, “Anyway, just letting you know that Armageddon is probablyyyyy underway, so keep an eye on that guy Crowley. Crazy how you’ve both been on Earth forever but he’s never found you,” and Aziraphale’s like, “YEAH, THAT’S WEIRD, RIGHT?” as he tries valiantly to conceal his panic attack.
I must say, I kind of don’t love that the most damning allegorical evidence of these characters’ queerness is that their respective social groups make fun of them for being weird.
The baby swap hits a snag when another woman in labor (played by Sherlock from Sherlock’s secret evil sister, which made me recoil so far in horror that I almost phased through the wall) shows up at the nunnery, so there are now three babies in play. The Antichrist winds up with Sherlock’s evil sister and her husband, and is named Adam Young. Their actual baby winds up with American ambassador Nick Offerman and his wife, who name him Warlock. Their actual baby… disappears. I don’t know where he goes. This is even more confusing than the intro scene, even though Frances McGodmand explains the whole thing with a card metaphor.
Crowley tries to call Aziraphale from the car, but phone service to London is still fucked. Aziraphale’s in the bookshop he owns when Crowley finally reaches him, all, “We need to talk.” They go to the park for a “clandestine meeting”, (God’s words, not mine) which apparently they do all the time. They half-heartedly argue about whose side will win the final battle between good and evil. Crowley invites Aziraphale to lunch because he “owes [him] one” from Paris in 1793. Which Aziraphale remembers with perfect clarity. They had crepes!
After lunch, they get wasted at Aziraphale’s bookshop. All the while, Crowley’s like, “You know you want to help me stop the apocalypse,” and Aziraphale keeps resisting on the basis of them being natural enemies. Crowley finally wears him down, and they agree to disguise themselves as a gardener and a nanny (yes, Crowley does indeed do drag) so they can work for the ambassador and subtly influence Warlock not to behave Antichristishly. Which works… because Warlock isn’t the Antichrist.
The real Antichrist, Adam Young, is playing in the woods with his friends on his eleventh birthday when a hellhound shows up. As soon as he names the beast, (he names it Dog) Armageddon is in motion. Uh-oh!
And we’re done! So far, I can see what people get out of this, but I’m not ready to uncritically praise Neil Gaiman for it. The most noteworthy gay thing about the episode is that Crowley calls Aziraphale “angel” in what is supposed to be a derogatory manner, but just sounds like a pet name. Like, hauntingly so.
EPISODE TWO: “THE BOOK”
Buncha new characters in this one, therefore less Aziraphale and Crowley. We do start with Aziraphale though, as Jon Hammbriel shows up at his bookshop, all, “I HAVE COME TO PURCHASE A MATERIAL OBJECT I MEAN PORNOGRAPHY,” to secure a secret meeting. He brought a friend with him: Sandalphon, who did most of the smiting during the Sodom and Gomorrah incident. Aziraphale is really, really dismayed to see this particular guy. For some reason.
Those two asshole demons Facetime Crowley for expository purposes. “I didn’t mean to fall [from heaven],” he muses after hanging up on them. “I just hung around the wrong people.”
We spend fifteen minutes with some other characters. War, the first Horse…woman! of the Apocalypse shows up and negates a peace treaty. Centuries earlier, a witch named Agnes Nutter prophesizes everything that’s happened so far, and is put to death by a group of Witchfinders. In the present day, Agnes’s descendant Anathema, and the lead Witchfinder’s descendant Newton, express interest in their respective ancestors’ trades. Anathema travels to England with Agnes’s book of prophecies to stop the Antichrist, and Newton meets another Witchfinder. While biking through the woods, Anathema actually runs into Adam Young the Antichrist, literally playing a witch hunting game with his friends and his hellhound dog, and is just like, “Huh! Anyway…”
Crowley appears briefly to take his frustrations out on a houseplant. I don’t like this scene. Someone calls Aziraphale’s shop asking for Agnes’s book of prophecies, which he doesn’t have, because no one does. Except Anathema. Aziraphale calls Crowley, all, “Hey, do you think maybe that Antichrist baby swap you did went awry?” Smash cut to the two of them in Crowley’s swag-ass car, doing 90 miles per hour through Central London. They have an old married couple argument about finding the real Antichrist and the Velvet Underground’s artistic merit as they drive to the Satanic nunnery. When they reach the general area, they have another spirited discussion about good and evil. Crowley doesn’t call Aziraphale “angel” again, though, so I am relatively indifferent.
The nunnery is closed, having served its Antichrist purpose, so now some randos are using it to play paintball in. Aziraphale remarks that the place feels “loved”, and Crowley doesn’t get it. They each get shot with a paintball, and Aziraphale’s all, “Oh noooo, my perfect white coat that I’ve kept in pristine condition for almost two hundred years!” and Crowley uses… demon magic, I guess, I don’t know, to remove the stain, resulting in an awkward little moment that is… dare I say kind of sexually charged?
Aziraphale’s like, “Guns are okay sometimes according to me,” which prompts Crowley to replace all the paintball guns with real guns to spite him. But then he’s like, “LOL just kidding, I also made it so that everyone miraculously recovers from their gunshot wounds.” Aziraphale starts to call him a nice person, but then Crowley shoves him against the wall and tells him to shut up.
One of the former nuns shows up and apologizes for breaking up an intimate moment (yes, really). They interrogate her and come up with zero leads. At one point Aziraphale says, “Luck of the devil,” and Crowley says, “How the heaven should I know?” which means they have begun to understand each other. Oh shit.
They keep driving through the woods, and Aziraphale’s like, “Getting a lot of love vibes from this.” So am I. Then they accidentally hit Anathema with their car, and argue about whether to give her a ride back to civilization. Crowley’s like, “There’s nowhere to put her bike!” and Aziraphale passive-aggressively manifests a bike rack. Crowley puts on “Bicycle Race” at max vol, and Anathema just has to sit there and endure it until they drop her off. But oh no, she left Agnes’s book of prophecies behind!
Also, when they help her out of the car, Aziraphale just stands there grinning awkwardly until Crowley rolls his eyes and goes, “Get in, angel.” I’m about to phase through the wall again.
They hang out in a diner for awhile before driving back to London. They consider the possibility of sending their respective “human operatives” to look for the Antichrist. When Aziraphale gets out of the car outside the bookshop, he notices the book of prophecies. “Well, it’s not mine. I don’t read books,” says Crowley. Amazing. As soon as Aziraphale realizes what book it is, he panics and runs inside. And then he uses the book to locate the real Antichrist. Not the gayest note to end on, but how do you possibly follow that wall moment?
EPISODE THREE: “HARD TIMES”
Okay, this is the one. The one everyone talks about. The one with the half-hour cold open of Aziraphale and Crowley hanging out together over the course of human history. Fuck.
First up, Aziraphale is guarding the Eastern Gate of Eden, and God’s like, “Hey, where’s the flaming sword?” and he’s like, “UHHHHHHH…”
One millennium later, in Mesopotamia, Aziraphale is chilling with a group of people waiting to not board Noah’s Ark, and Crowley shows up like, “Wot’s all this, then?” Aziraphale explains, and Crowley’s like, “Jesus Christ man, even my crew wouldn’t drown this many people.” Aziraphale’s like, “God’s doing a rainbow afterwards, though, so pros and cons.” A unicorn runs away before it can get on the ark, leaving only one onboard. Oh dear.
It starts to rain, and then SMASH CUT to an extreme closeup of Jesus’s face as he’s nailed to the cross. Crowley’s like, “BTW, I’m going by Crowley now,” because I failed to notice that he was “Crawly” in a previous era. The Linkin Park song started to get to him, I see.
Eight years later, they run into each other in Rome. Crowley is sporting a new look, which happens a few times. Aziraphale never changes his hair or wardrobe. Crowley’s here to tempt someone, Aziraphale’s here to eat oysters. Crowley’s never done that, so Aziraphale’s like, “Can I tempt you to join m- ah, no wait, shit fuck.” No oysters for Crowley.
In 537 A.D., they’re LARPing as Monty Python and the Holy Grail characters. Is Aziraphale about to cut three of Crowley’s limbs off? Nope, they just state what they’re each fomenting, (peace, discord) and Crowley’s like, “What are we doing? We’re just canceling each other out. We could stay home and submit fake reports to our respective supervisors,” which displeases Aziraphale because that would be lying! He storms off to find a shrubbery or something, and Crowley lowers his helmet and turns around.
Now it’s 1601, and they’re at the Globe to watch some Shakespeare! Hell yeah! A vendor is selling oysters, so Crowley can finally try them. Speaking of Crowley, he saunters up to Aziraphale AND SAYS, “I thought we’d be inconspicuous here?”
Are they on a fucking date right now? If they are, they immediately get cockblocked by the Bard himself, who’s like, “Hey, can you heckle my actors more? It makes them perform better.” Okay, Gene Cousineau.
“What does your friend think [of my performance]?” the guy playing Hamlet asks Aziraphale. His response is, “HE’S NOT MY FRIEND, WE DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER, WE’VE NEVER MET BEFORE.” Thank Frances McDormand he said that so inconspicuously.
Both of them are going to be in Edinburgh later that week — Aziraphale has to ride a horse there, which he isn’t looking forward to. I thought Crowley was going to suggest they each totally shirk their obligations and go hang out somewhere else together, (gay) but instead he drops the bomb that whenever the two of them are supposed to be in the same place, only one of them goes, and does both the evil thing and the good thing. That seems totally impossible for the modern Aziraphale we’ve been following for two episodes, so I assume something tragic is going to happen at some point.
PARIS 1793 IT’S TIME FOR CREPES!!!!! I don’t know how because Aziraphale is currently chained up in the Bastille, awaiting the guillotine. He talks to a French guy, and the French guy pronounces guillotine wrong. C’mon, Neil Gaiman.
Crowley shows up to rescue him, which I expected, but he also calls him angel again, which I didn’t. Aziraphale is in trouble with Jon Hammbriel for performing too many “frivolous miracles.” Crowley’s like, “I’ll get in way worse trouble than that if I free you,” but then he does anyway, because of course. And then they go on their crepes date, to which I am not privy.
They have their big fight in the next scene, when Crowley asks Aziraphale for some holy water for “insurance” and Aziraphale refuses. Cut to a cathedral circa World War II, where Aziraphale is delivering some books of prophecy to two Nazis, one of whom is played by Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss. I can’t believe they cast him as a Nazi; his presence was enough of a jumpscare already. They’re mad that Aziraphale didn’t bring the book of true prophecies, (Agnes Nutter’s) so they’re about to kill him when some random intelligence officer shows up with a gun, and he’s like, “HA! You’ve been played!” and the Nazis are like, “No, you’ve been played, she’s one of ours!” and she turns the gun on Aziraphale. I wonder who will save him.
Crowley comes hopping awkwardly down the aisle — stepping on consecrated ground is like stepping barefoot on hot pavement for demons — to rescue Aziraphale, who’s like, “Are these not your guys?” and Crowley’s like, “NO, THEY’RE NAZIS.” King. Also, he’s adopted the first name Anthony, about which Aziraphale has mixed feelings. “Kill them,” says queerbaiting legend Mark Gatiss. “They’re very irritating.”
And then a bomb falls on the church and kills… not all of them. Only the Nazis. Aziraphale’s like, “Oh noooo, my books!” and Crowley produces the unscathed books as the music SWELLS. Then he offers him a ride home. Oh my god…
I thought that moment would summon the opening credits, finally, because they can’t possibly out-gay it. Instead, we jump to 1967, where Crowley meets the younger version of Newton’s Witchfinder mentor, Shadwell. He joins the holy water heist Crowley’s planning, and is like, “JUST SO YOU KNOW I’M PART OF AN ARMY OF WITCHFINDERS. IF YOU EVER NEED ONE.” Crowley gets into the car, and who should be riding shotgun but Aziraphale??? He heard about the heist, and he doesn’t approve, because holy water will kill Crowley, and robbing churches is dangerous… which is why he’s personally delivering Crowley a bottle of holy water here and now. The music swells again.
They both clearly want to run away together hang out, but Aziraphale says, “You go too fast for me, Crowley,” which I remember made a lot of people’s heads explode in 2019. And you know what? I totally get it.
Now that was gay enough to summon the opening credits, after which Owl City the Antichrist and Dog the Hellhound encounter Anathema, who is so upset that she lost the book that she’s smashing some pottery against a bench. Newton learns some more information about Witchfinding. None of this is why you’re here. Shadwell meets up with Crowley in a diner and is like, “Wow, you look exactly like your dad, who I knew in 1967.” He and his team are going to help locate the Antichrist.
Aziraphale goes to see Jon Hammbriel (my least favorite character) and co., all, “I think the Antichrist was switched at birth; also, does there have to be a war?” After he leaves, the angels muse that they don’t trust him because he’s been on Earth for so long. Meanwhile, Anathema runs into a self-proclaimed neighborhood watchman and asks if he’s seen a beast, to which he’s like, “GO BACK TO AMERICA IF YOU WANNA SMOKE WEED.” Aziraphale calls Shadwell and tells him to stake out Owl City’s place, and as soon as they hang up, Shadwell calls him a pansy. Good fucking god. Again, what if we didn’t queercode characters by having them experience homophobia?
Famine, the second Horseman, introduces his new line of “food-free” food. Sorry, not food. Chow. Crowley calls Aziraphale and tells him to meet him at the “third alternate rendezvous”, which means they have at least four of them. They go to a gazebo and try to break up, but it has more of a “FUCK YOU AND I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW” vibe than anything. Crowley’s like, “Fuck everything else, we’ve been friends for six thousand years, let’s keep vibing,” and Aziraphale’s like, “We’re not friends!” but his voice breaks. “I don’t even like you!”
“You do!” Crowley and I sneer in unison. And then they break up for real, as Armageddon starts. Not saying that’s what started Armageddon, but…
INTERMISSION
Okay, now that we’ve reached the halfway point, I have to say: I do not feel like I am watching an intentionally crafted queerplatonic relationship between two male-presenting, genderless beings. I feel like I’m being gaslit, which is a term I think is grossly overused, but I’m gonna use it anyway, because there’s no court of law or public opinion in which Neil Gaiman’s “they’re agender and in a relationship that transcends human understanding of romance, and I did that on purpose” would hold up. This is just queerbaiting. They’re just doing that again. I’m just watching two middle-aged British guys sit homoerotically on benches.
EPISODE FOUR: “SATURDAY MORNING FUNTIME”
Well. I kind of suspect it won’t be.
Atlantis rises. Owl City the Antichrist says things to his friends that are cryptic and ominous. Aziraphale catches Jon Hammbriel on a jog through the park and tries to warn him about Agnes Nutter’s prophecies, but Jon Hammbriel is like, “L + ratio + you’re fat + you’re too sensitive + this war has to happen so that we can win it + how the fuck did you lose the flaming sword?”
The angel Michael approaches Jon Hammbriel with super secret Polaroids of Aziraphale and Crowley on dates. Man, come on. Jon Hammbriel’s actually more chill with it than I thought he’d be, but he still allows Michael to launch an investigation.
Crowley’s in his office with a globe and a map of the solar system having an existential breakdown trying to figure out where to spend the apocalypse. We meet Pollution, the nonbinary Horseperson, who took over for Pestilence after the advent of modern medicine. Pollution is played by a cis actress, addressed as “sir” by a deliveryman, and referred to with they/them pronouns by Frances McGodmand. This is how Neil Gaiman writes nonbinary characters when he is actually trying to do so, as opposed to when he’s backpedaling frantically in the wake of queerbaiting accusations. The difference is vast.
Anyway, the deliveryman gets run over by a lorry, and meets Death, who is voiced by Brian Cox. God, the episode of Succession where he died was so fucking good. What was I talking about? Owl City and his friends hang out with Anathema, and Shadwell sends Newton off to find them. On the way, he meets some aliens conducting a routine safety inspection. Of the earth. They have very horrifying green, beaklike faces that I will not show you. Newton reports this to Shadwell, who’s like, “YOU’RE A WITCHFINDER, NOT AN ALIENFINDER.” Owl City and his friends talk about how awesome whales are, and Owl City looks into the camera and says, “Yes, we’ll save the whales. All of them.” Smash cut to a ship in peril due to fluctuating sea levels and the sudden appearance of a kraken. This seems to have inspired those orcas.
In hell, those two asshole demons agree to torch Crowley for insubordination. Anathema gets a prophecy notification on her phone that the Witchfinder is due at 12:05. Why was she so worried about losing the book if there’s been an app the entire time? Newton accidentally flips his car right next to Owl City and co., and they bring him to Anathema for help. Owl City behaves increasingly menacingly.
Warlock the fake Antichrist arrives at the Fields of Megiddo, where Armageddon is supposed to start, and we get a throwaway line about Crowley inventing selfies. The demon in charge realizes he’s not the Antichrist, and calls Crowley to yell at him. Newton tells Anathema that Owl City is the Antichrist.
AND THEN, Crowley runs up to Aziraphale and goes, “Angel! I’m sorry, let’s be friends again, please get into the car and run away to Alpha Centauri with me.” I don’t- what do I do with this? Aziraphale says he’s going to talk to God and fix everything, and Crowley’s like, “Nooo, you’re so clever, why are you being SSCHEWPIDT? FORGET IT, I’M TAKING ALL MY STUFF AND I’M GOING TO SPACE AND YOU WILL NEVER CROSS MY MIND EVER AGAIN, GOODBYE.” Thanks, Neil.
“I’ve been there,” says a random guy to Aziraphale as Crowley drives away. “You’re better off without him.”
Crowley goes home and kills one of the asshole demons with holy water, and traps the other in an answering machine with some convoluted demon magic. We get exposition from God about how Aziraphale is the only angel who knows how to dance, and he learned in secret. Neil Gaiman, I’ve just about had it.
Speaking of Aziraphale, three angels apprehend him outside the bookshop like, “WE KNOW YOU HAVE A DEMON BOYFRIEND AND WE’RE TELLING GOD.” They actually use the word boyfriend. I’m not even bothering with reaction shots at this point, because it’s all just me screaming into the pillow.
Owl City, now fully in Antichrist mode, captures his friends and tries to get them to help him rule the world. They are very opposed, so he removes their mouths like the Skinamarink. Also, he can hover now.
Newton and Anathema get caught in a tornado and have sex about it, because Newton’s never done that. Nor has he eaten Thai food or learned to play an instrument.
Aziraphale tries to contact God to report those other angels for homophobia, but he can only reach Metatron. Shadwell breaks in and is like, “I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN SEDUCING WOMEN TO DO YOUR EVIL WILL,” and Aziraphale’s like, “I think you’ve got the wrong shop.” The rest of the show is just gonna be this, huh?
Shadwell knocks Aziraphale into the portal to heaven, prompting him to drop the show’s first F-bomb, and the bookshop catches fire. The end.
EPISODE FIVE: “THE DOOMSDAY OPTION”
Remember how Crowley really likes Queen? Well, in this episode, he’s listening to “You’re My Best Friend” as he drives furiously toward the bookshop. The same “You’re My Best Friend” that bassist John Deacon wrote about his wife, according to the huge book of Queen song origins that I own because I’m Crowley. Wait, Crowley doesn’t read. Never mind. The point is that he’s listening to this romantic-ass spousal ode as he barges into a burning building with no hesitation to save Aziraphale. I mean, I don’t think it would affect him, but still.
The song is also playing on a phonograph so it lingers as Crowley screams, “WHERE THE HEAVEN ARE YOU?” and then, “SOMEBODY KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!” Best friend in this context meaning… you know.
And which Queen song should start playing as he gives up and drives away but “SOMEBODY TO LOVE!” I’m so mad. I can’t fucking take this. What if I started drinking at 9:00 in the morning?
Aziraphale pops up in heaven and gets chewed out by Anderson from Sherlock (just kick me while I’m down) for losing the flaming sword and getting discorporated. Can literally any angel just be nice to him for like one second? He decides to go back to Earth and possess a human body like demons do. My fear is that the body will belong to a Victoria’s Secret Angel (haha get it?) and he’ll use it to make out with Crowley in a distinctly non-gay fashion.
Meanwhile: Shadwell feels bad about shoving Aziraphale into the portal. Owl City continues terrorizing his friends. Newton is like, “It’s so creepy that your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother knew we’d bang,” and Anathema’s like, “Whatever, let’s go find the Antichrist.”
We rejoin Crowley in a bar, where he’s drinking enough for both of us, when a sort of Aziraphale ghost materializes in the chair across from him. Crowley’s all, “I LOST MY BEST FRIEND,” and Aziraphale’s like, “Ooh, sucks. Anyway, can you go to my bookshop and get The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter?” and Crowley produces it on the spot. Because he took it. For definitely non-sentimental reasons. They’re going to rendezvous at the Air Force base near Owl City’s village, and Aziraphale’s like, “I need a body… TOO BAD I CAN’T USE YOURS HAHA,” like he just bingewatched Steven Universe or something.
Shadwell has a psychic roommate named Madame Tracy whom I’ve neglected to mention until now, and Aziraphale possesses her in the middle of a séance. Crowley gets stuck in traffic listening to “Another One Bites the Dust”. Shadwell notices Aziraphale possessing his roommate and is like, “GET OUT OF HER, YOU SOUTHERN PANSY.” Aziraphale reclaims the slur, all, “Yes, I am the southern pansy.” You don’t have to do this, man. Respect yourself. He implores Shadwell to go kill the Antichrist, who has just summoned the Four Horsepeople, and set his friends and dog free. His friends chew him out for being the worst and run away, which upsets him so much that he stops Antichristing.
Crowley puts on “I’m In Love With My Car”, bypasses the traffic jam, and drives through a ring of fire to get to the base. Newton and Anathema also start heading there, in accordance with a prophecy, as do Owl City and his friends. The Four Horsepeople beat everyone there, however, and start a world war. Some guys in a Russian Navy sub are like, “Who are we at war with? Ukraine?” which I don’t think I have to tell you has aged like a fucking avocado.
Crowley rolls up in his burning car, bumping “We Will Rock You.” Aziraphale/Madame Tracy and Shadwell arrive at the same time. They all argue with a guard to open the gate, but Owl City and co. are able to bike right in. “HE IS HERE,” says Brian Cox Death. “EVERYTHING ENDS NOW. TIME IS OVER.”
EPISODE SIX: “THE VERY LAST DAY OF THE REST OF THEIR LIVES”
(Or, The Very Last Episode of the Rest of This Post.)
Crowley is on trial for treason. I cannot believe they’re bothering at this point. We flash back to the end of the previous episode, and his car finally explodes. He gives Aziraphale/Madame Tracy a bazooka and tells them to kill Owl City, but they can’t do it because he’s eleven. Owl City’s like, “LOL why are you two people? Freak,” and casts a mitosis spell on them. He and his friends DESTROY War, Famine, and Pollution with facts and logic (and Aziraphale’s flaming sword). Death can’t be destroyed, but he agrees to peace out after Newton accidentally breaks every military computer in the entire world by pressing like, one button.
Crowley reunites Anathema with Agnes Nutter’s prophecy book. Everything seems to have worked out until Jon Hammbriel and Beelzebub show up and beg Owl City to restart Armageddon. “You’re going to get to rule the world,” Beelzebub cajoles him. “Don’t you want to rule the world?” He does not. Aziraphale and Crowley defend him, and Beelzebub’s like, “I’M TELLING SATAN,” and disappears.
A few seconds later, there’s a giant earthquake indicating Satan’s displeasure. Aziraphale points the (now non-flaming) sword at Crowley and is like, “Do something about this now or I’ll never speak to you again.” His voice breaks just like it did when they broke up. Fuck it.
While I’m retrieving my nondescript hard liquor, Crowley screams so loudly that it somehow freezes time and transports him, Aziraphale, the sword, (flaming again!) and Owl City to an uninhabited desert realm. They tell Owl City he has to stop Satan somehow, and Owl City’s like, “I’m just a kid???”
Satandict Devilbatch busts out of the ground to reprimand Owl City, who’s just like, “You’re not my real dad.” Apocalypse averted! Satan goes home and Owl City is a regular human guy now.
A few hours later we rejoin the bois, who are — as you might’ve guessed — sitting homoerotically on a bench. Passing a bottle of wine back and forth. I think this warrants a shot.
What follows is… Let’s just get this over with. Aziraphale thinks he should head back to his bookshop. “It burned down,” says Crowley in the softest voice he’s ever used, before inviting Aziraphale to stay with him. Aziraphale makes a deer-in-the-headlights face, then recovers and says, “I don’t think my side would like that.” Crowley points out that neither of them has a side anymore. “We’re on our own side,” he concludes. They board a bus back to London with plenty of empty seats, but sit right next to each other anyway. According to Neil Gaiman, they hold hands here. In the immortal words of Lil Jon, shots. Shots. Shots. Shots, shots, shots. Everybody.
Thanks to Owl City’s confrontation with the devil, reality has undergone a hard reset. Aziraphale’s bookshop and Crowley’s car are restored, and a bunch of dead side characters have been resurrected. Owl City is grounded. Newton and Anathema are a couple.
In the park where Aziraphale and Crowley have all their clandestine meetings, a brass octet plays “Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon”. They’re hitting a lot of songs from A Night at the Opera, which means “Love of My Life” over the credits is NOT out of the question. I feel ill. Not from the vodka. Crowley buys Aziraphale ice cream.
AND THEN THEY BOTH GET VIOLENTLY CAPTURED BY THEIR RESPECTIVE FORMER COWORKERS?????????
Oh right, Crowley’s trial. The verdict? Guilty. The sentence? Death by holy water. And in heaven, Jon Hammbriel summons a plume of fire in which to incinerate Aziraphale.
Meanwhile, Madame Tracy and Shadwell have tea and decide to retire to the countryside. Newton and Anathema receive a package from Agnes. I DON’T CARE HOW WELL THESE HETEROSEXUALS ARE DOING. THE GAYS ARE BEING EXECU- oh, they’re fine. Time for more homoerotic bench-sitting!
We learn that they now have the ability to Freaky Friday themselves at will, which is how “Crowley” survived being dunked in holy water, and “Aziraphale” survived incineration. Crowley asks if he can tempt Aziraphale to lunch, and he’s like, “Temptation accomplished!” and then performs a frivolous miracle to free up a table at the Ritz, just so a pianist can play noted romantic love song “A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square” while they eat. Aziraphale calls Crowley a good person again, but he accepts it this time. (I’m reminded of those guys from my favorite show in 2019, who have a very similar conversation, and then kiss.) Aziraphale and Crowley toast to the world. Fin.
CONCLUSION
Um. It’s good? Good TV show. Looking forward to Season Two, especially if that spoiler is anything to go by. But that’s not what we’re here to determine, is it? No, this was an inquiry into whether I can overcome my cynicism and perceive the so-called groundbreaking portrayal of male-presenting nonbinary characters in a queerplatonic relationship that Neil Gaiman did not intentionally write, instead of the stale, tired queerbaiting that he did. AAAAAAAAAND no. No, I cannot. If other people can, great! They probably had even better viewing experiences than I did. Neil Gaiman’s not the party upon whomst I’d bestow kudos, though. Like, give your own imagination and optimism some credit here.
WAIT HANG ON
DO NOT READ THIS SECTION IF YOU ARE TRYING TO AVOID SEASON TWO SPOILERS. I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE LEAKED SEASON TWO SPOILER REAL QUICK. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE LEFT IN THE ARTICLE AFTER THAT. THANK YOU FOR READING. HAVE A NICE DAY.
So if they kiss in Season Two, doesn’t that kind of invalidate the queerplatonic read of their relationship??? Like yes, in real life people can have gender/sexuality awakenings and change their minds and redefine the nature of their partnership(s) and all that jazz, and there’s no criteria for what one can and cannot do within the confines of a queerplatonic relationship anyway. But I don’t think that’s how the average viewer would interpret it. They’d just think it was two gay (or bi) guys finally figuring shit out after a six thousand year slow burn. Neil Gaiman is quite possibly inviting accusations of betrayal from the very crowd that deified him. And the other crowd that denounced him as homophobic could end up forgiving him! We’re gonna get the same discourse but inverted! Fuck!